C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Bathory. Cathedral
. Into Eternity. LA Guns
. Racer X. Loudness
. Mudvayne. Slipknot
. Carpathian Forest. Mondo Generator
. Perzonal War. Neck
. Twelfth Gate. Goatwhore
. Nazareth. Ring of Fire
. Advent. Legend
. Dr. Butcher. Valley's Eve
. Carnal Forge. Vyndykator
. Hammerwhore. Goat Horn
. Ion Vein. Tungsten
. Evolution. Kilfast
. Victory. King Diamond
. Hypocrisy. Pharaoh
. Lacuna Coil. Project: Failing Flesh
. Soul Reaper. Doro
. Black Stone Cherry. Superchrist
. Jaw. Ebony Ark
. Cans. Deep Purple
. Wolf. Skyfire
. Disarmonia Mundi. Gamma Ray
. Zaius. Judas Priest
. Schenker/ Pattison Summit. Krokus
. Goatsnake. Bonfire
. Skeletonwitch. Black Destiny
. Saxon. Dio
. Polterchrist. Slowlife
. Six Feet Under. Made of Iron
. Twisted Sister. Kinetic
. Scenteria. Image
. Rottweiller. Corrosion Of Conformity
. Crionics. Hellfueled
. Kamelot. Veni Domine
. Apocalyptica. Chuck Schuldiner
. Stormwarrior. Kaamos
. Axis Of Perdition. Drunkard
. Holy Moses. Kinrick
. Fastkill. Shade Empire
. Goddess Of Desire. Voyager
. Dam. Gaia
. Alice Cooper. Morgana Lefay
. Iron Maidens. The Scourger
. Lake Of Tears. Eternal Reign
. Russell Allen. Evergrey
. Blood Thirsty Demons. Winterfell
. ASG. Ewigkeit
. Vinterriket. Akercocke
. Crystal Ball. Gojira
. Mastermind. Celebratum
. Torture Killer. Nocturnal Rites
. Nobody's Fool. Craft
. Totalisti. Powerglove
. Naked Beggars. Tandjent
. 286. Fields Of The Nephilim
. The Berzerker. Boris
. Cryptopsy. Event Horizon
. The Smashup. TK-421
. Ensoph. Upon Infliction
. Theater of Tragedy. Ynis Vitrin
. Woodtemple. I
. The Finals. Myon
. Oblomov. Semargl
. Eyes of Ligeia. Twinball
. Lupara. Panzerchrist
. Extium. Kotipelto
. Steve Cone. Warbringer
. Static-X. Necrophobic
. Merciless Death. Cattle Decapitation
. Trouble. Five Finger Death Punch
. Mithras. Pentacle
. Lipstick Magazine. Throneum
. JR Ewing. The Wonderfools
. Hearse. Fight
. Randy Ellefson. Ensiferum
. Night Ranger. Mass Extinction
. Dantesco. Orthodox
. Jesus Martyr. Blood Haven
. Mar De Grises. Bible Of The Devil
. Sin. Papa Roach
. Faded Hope. Sotajumala
. Giant Squid