C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Leng Tch'e. Scanner
. Slipknot. The Great Deceiver
. Children Of Bodom. Karaboudjan
. Twelfth Gate. Symphorce
. Ring of Fire. Ravage
. Legend. God Dethroned
. Power of Omens. Cage
. Tungsten. Exawatt
. Nicta. Supervillain
. Saint. The Graveyard Boulevard
. Morbid Angel. Assrockers
. Dream Weaver. Mnemic
. Tad Morose. Drillpoint
. DevilDriver. Defiled
. Brides of Destruction. Fairyland
. Dreamaker. Neverland
. TNA. Gothic Knights
. Jaw. Madison Paige
. Deep Purple. W.A.S.P.
. Wolf. Disarmonia Mundi
. Donnerkopf. Van Helsing’s Curse
. Nova Lex. Gary Moore
. Destructor. Insomnium
. Ungodly. Imp
. Shadows Fall. Division
. Age Of Silence. Z02
. I.C.E.. Throcult
. Conquestador. The Project Hate
. Incantation. Within Temptation
. Negative Creeps. Blind Guardian
. Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Jackyl
. Napalm Death. Sonata Arctica
. Rottweiller. Divine Fire
. Blood Red Throne. Samael
. Crimson Moonlight. Bruce Dickinson
. Frantic Bleep. Magica
. Thunderblast. Callenish Circle
. Sinisthra. Impiety
. Burden Of Grief. Embraze
. Manntis. Agents Of Man
. Brand New Sin. Communic
. Ektomorf. Slough Feg
. Circus Maximus. Voyager
. Ritual Killer. The Father Panic Riot Orchestra
. Power Quest. Devil Lee Rot
. Widow. Resurrecturis
. Havochate. Octavia Sperati
. Pagan's Mind. Orphaned Land
. Evergrey. Blood Thirsty Demons
. Mabon. Balatonizer
. Asrai. Define Divine
. Chain Collector. Bronx Casket Company
. Zero Down. Dogs Of Winter
. Gorefest. Grimfist
. Fallen Wisdom. Powerglove
. Katatonia. Cardinale
. Wolves in the Throne Room. Daylight Dies
. The Berzerker. Manngard
. Cavalar. Cataract
. TK-421. Apiary
. Spawn of Possession. Michael Orlando
. Before Silence. Unsilent Phenomenon
. Time Requiem. Ynis Vitrin
. Death Breath. Jeff Walker und Die Fluffers
. Pump. Setherial
. The Abominable Iron Sloth. Enochian Crescent
. Zoroaster. Sathanas
. Panzerchrist. Middian
. Lecherous Nocturne. Centinex
. Lost Eden. With Passion
. Throne of Katarsis. In This Moment
. Warbringer. Static-X
. Lord Belial. Satariel
. Trouble. Five Finger Death Punch
. Gotthard. Hacride
. Pentacle. Warner Drive
. Wuthering Heights. Trenchfoot
. Destynation. Pathosray
. Demonic Symphony. Souls Of We
. Uriah Heep. The More I See
. Son of Eric. Place Of Skulls
. Winterfylleth. Mustasch
. Raven