C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Into Eternity. Vehemence
. Grave. Solemnity
. Grave Digger. Deceased
. December. Kalibas
. Queensryche. Ring of Fire
. Vaginal Carnage. Steel Attack
. Rawhead Rexx. Legend
. Metallica. Powergod
. Ion Vein. Evolution
. Endless Time. Black Sabbath
. Iced Earth. Thunderbolt
. Artension. Crystal Eyes
. Malstrom. Rob Rock
. Attacker. Whitesnake
. Edguy. Project: Failing Flesh
. Royal Anguish. Neverland
. Death Angel. Killik
. Superchrist. Funerus
. Construcdead. Exodus
. downBleed. Cans
. Madison Paige. Deep Purple
. Outworld. Disarmonia Mundi
. Van Helsings Curse. Jorn
. U.D.O.. Gary Moore
. Marillion. Zaius
. Black Zodiac. Juggernott
. Ungodly. Goatsnake
. Lilitu. Occult
. Marshall Law. Tartharia
. Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Angra
. Cryme. Triumph
. Betrayer. Divine Fire
. Miles Beyond. Kamelot
. Requiem Aeternam. Veni Domine
. Soilwork. Astral Doors
. Shatterpoint. Yyrkoon
. Heartcry. Mechanical Poet
. Carina Alfie. Angtoria
. John Sykes. Wolverine
. Antares. Stormwarrior
. Kaamos. Marduk
. Oathean. Freedom Call
. God Fear None. Boomerang
. Impiety. Graveworm
. God Among Insects. Vicious Art
. Ektomorf. Kult ov Azazel
. Dynamic Lights. Nuse
. Holy Blood. A Lower Deep
. Nuclear Assault. V:28
. Pagan's Mind. Twilight
. Mabon. Even X
. Spellbound. Cryogen
. Urizen. Dismember
. Grimfist. End My Sorrow
. Pile of Heads. Tandjent
. Cannibal Corpse. Ephel Duath
. Beyond Fear. Thyrane
. Firehouse. Clawfinger
. Elvenking. Speed/Kill/Hate
. The Furor. Non-Human Level
. Gorgoroth. Suzukiton
. Swashbuckle. Hydrogyn
. War Within. Paul Bonrud
. I. Battle Bratt
. Rotting Christ. Sathanas
. E-lane. Panzerchrist
. Cheva. Quest of Aidance
. Centinex. The Gathering
. Diagnose: Lebensgefahr. Hardcore Superstar
. Lost Eden. Onslaught
. Battered. Warbringer
. Mindgrinder. Zyklon
. Cruachan. Blood of the Black Owl
. Almah. Mendeed
. Warner Drive. Lipstick Magazine
. Ulcerate. Funeral
. Architect. Ensiferum
. Pathosray. Diamond Dogs
. Mass Extinction. Pathology
. Gutted With Broken Glass. Father Befouled
. Aetherius Obscuritas. Puscifer
. Hacksaw Surgery. Souls Of We
. Medieval Steel. Mar De Grises
. Alestorm. Kiuas
. UFOmammut. Wolfgate
. Giant Squid