C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Bathory. Demons and Wizards
. Sinner. Children Of Bodom
. Twilight Odyssey. Karaboudjan
. Commit Suicide. Celestial Ode
. Ring of Fire. Iron Maiden
. Legend. Late Nite Romeo
. Valley's Eve. Carnal Forge
. Pyn Siren. Tungsten
. Endless Time. Byfist
. Nicta. Biomechanical
. Dragonforce. Curriculum Mortis
. Guardians Of Time. Thunderstone
. Slayer. Fraise
. Brides of Destruction. Doro
. Neverland. Scala Mercalli
. Cans. Amityville Whore
. Skyfire. Cyst
. Estuary. Feinstein
. Scorpions. Dream Evil
. Saxon. Rhapsody of Fire
. Shadows Fall. Beaten Back To Pure
. Occult. Medusa
. Megadeth. Annihilator
. Haunted By Angels. Silent Force
. Overlorde. The 7 Method
. Tristania. Triumph
. John Oliva's Pain. Mercenary
. Legion. Audiovision
. Loudblast. Maze Of Torment
. Soilwork. Seige of Hate
. Astral Doors. Sabaton
. Tarot. Darkthrone
. Argument Soul. Freedom Call
. Operatika. Slumber
. Raging Speedhorn. Communic
. Taake. Voyager
. Prowler Inc.. Leaves Eyes
. Alice Cooper. Sheavy
. A Lower Deep. Nuclear Assault
. Armored Saint. Violent Storm
. Dirty Americans. Winterfell
. The Firstborn. Third Degree
. Ewigkeit. Phantom X
. Thrones. Even X
. Akercocke. Mastermind
. Dragonlord. Grimfist
. Enforsaken. Thryfing
. Cardinale. Lair Of The Minotaur
. Daylight Dies. Tris Katone
. Boris. Phoenix Mourning
. Pyramaze. Ampast
. Athanator. TK-421
. Apiary. Non-Human Level
. Upon Infliction. Bloodbound
. Amon Amarth. Mouth of the Architect
. I. Zero Hour
. Belphegor. Myon
. Teeth of the Hydra. Lesbian Bed Death
. Escape The Fate. Winger
. Starkweather. Deicide
. Steve Cone. The Gathering
. Diagnose: Lebensgefahr. Terry Sullivan
. Warbringer. Manticore
. Madking Ludwig. Dezperadoz
. Blood of the Black Owl. White Willow
. The Prophecy. Katrina Johansson
. Aborted. Glorior Belli
. Nation Beyond. Fight
. Himsa. Keep of Kalessin
. Ensiferum. Keldian
. Alkemyst. Averse Sefira
. I Shalt Become. Bilocate
. Jesus Martyr. Aetherius Obscuritas
. Blood Haven. To-Mera
. Kreator. Souls Of We
. Sin. Coffins
. Caliban