C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. The Kovenant. White Skull
. Vicious Mary. BloodDuster
. Exmortem. Perzonal War
. Solace. Steel Attack
. Rawhead Rexx. Ravage
. Sickspeed. October 31
. Johnny Lokke. Pyn Siren
. Circle of Nero. Tungsten
. Sevendust. Artension
. Mourning Beloveth. Victory
. Malstrom. Sludge!
. Beautiful Creatures. Axenstar
. Mnemic. Stalker
. Hypocrisy. Murdercycle
. Edguy. Secret Sphere
. Iron Savior. Dreamaker
. Neverland. F5
. Fear Factory. Soil
. Drowning Pool. Funerus
. Construcdead. Cans
. Graveland. Skyfire
. Nova Lex. Ministry
. De Lirium's Order. Bonfire
. Killswitch Engage. Beaten Back To Pure
. Occult. Dark Age
. Necrodemon. Jamie. St. James
. Karmakanic. Angra
. Tristania. Helgrind
. Audiovision. Kamelot
. Requiem Aeternam. Loudblast
. Astral Doors. Hibria
. Heartcry. Soulscar
. Angtoria. Ravensthorn
. Chaoswave. Axel Rudi Pell
. Chastain. Neil Turbin
. Ignitor. Ramesses
. Pro-Pain. Disbelief
. Rudra. Astarte
. Mirador. Sothis
. Naglfar. Darkane
. Subterranean Masquerade. Monolithe
. Cannon. Fates Warning
. Love Forsaken. Flotsam & Jetsam
. Nuclear Assault. Painmuseum
. Mercyful Fate. Peccatum
. Black Majesty. The Firstborn
. Savage Circus. Vinterriket
. Phantom X. Damnation
. Dragonlord. Virgin Steele
. Beecher. End of Level Boss
. Fallen Wisdom. Powerglove
. Katatonia. Intronaut
. Nightmare. Hell-Born
. Tris Katone. Clawfinger
. Elvenking. Cataract
. Candlemass. Nicodemus
. Psycroptic. Skid Row
. Agalloch. Wednesday 13
. Abominant. Anata
. Myon. Semargl
. Isis. Escape The Fate
. The Showdown. Lecherous Nocturne
. Twisted Into Form. Warmachine
. Melechesh. Threat Signal
. Static-X. Manticore
. Old Man's Child. Dezperadoz
. Blood of the Black Owl. Pantera
. The Prophecy. Manes
. Nation Beyond. Faith And Fire
. Hellveto. Keep of Kalessin
. Keldian. Pathosray
. Mongrel. Heresi
. Pathology. Orthodox
. Ost Est Ima. The Obsessed
. Witchfinder General. Manilla Road
. Hacksaw Surgery. Papa Roach
. Battleroar. DC4
. Raven. Giant Squid
. Suffocation