C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Cathedral. Hate Eternal
. Into Eternity. Nightwish
. Steel Prophet. Dokken
. Exmortem. Neck
. Impellitteri. Machine Head
. Gun Barrel. Seven Witches
. Sickspeed. H.I.M.
. Brainstorm. Supervillain
. Godiva. Steel Preacher
. Axenstar. Duke
. Mnemic. Primal Fear
. Wicked Sensation. Out of the Lair
. Tesla. Mother Misery
. Black Stone Cherry. Construcdead
. Scala Mercalli. Evanescence
. W.A.S.P.. Wolf
. Epica. Low Earth Orbit
. Jorn. Marillion
. Black Zodiac. Dimmu Borgir
. De Lirium's Order. Krokus
. Ungodly. Dream Evil
. Killswitch Engage. Black Destiny
. Metal Church. Dio
. Theocracy. Eternal Flight
. Megadeth. Internal Bleeding
. House of Shakira. The Last Act
. Negative Creeps. Agnostic Front
. Mirror of Deception. Hanzel Und Gretyl
. Cryme. Legion
. Paradise Lost. Emerald Sun
. Gods Of Fire. Audiovision
. Yyrkoon. Icarus Witch
. Nevermore. Kaamos
. Severe Torture. Novembers Doom
. Omegalord. Frantic Bleep
. Soul SirkUS. Holy Moses
. Operatika. Fastkill
. Pro-Pain. Raging Speedhorn
. Agents Of Man. Python
. Graveworm. Naglfar
. Darkane. Dark Funeral
. Circus Maximus. Prowler Inc.
. Sebastian Bach. Ritual Killer
. Dam. Thor
. Love Forsaken. Agents Of The Sun
. Scar Symmetry. To The Bone
. Lake Of Tears. V:28
. The Atomic Bitchwax. Russell Allen
. Armored Saint. Ignarus
. Savage Circus. Vinterriket
. Even X. Wolfmother
. Skullshifter. Dragonlord
. Dogs Of Winter. Detonation
. Hate. Grimfist
. Thryfing. Sepultura
. Katatonia. Tandjent
. Upwards of Endtime. Thyrane
. The Berzerker. Clawfinger
. Event Horizon. Warrant (Amer)
. Ampast. Imagika
. The Strongest Proof. Ensoph
. Upon Infliction. Michael Orlando
. Unsilent Phenomenon. Amon Amarth
. Agalloch. Fleshgore
. I. Zero Hour
. Setherial. Belphegor
. The Abominable Iron Sloth. Teeth of the Hydra
. Hardcore Superstar. Dream Theater
. Madking Ludwig. Incrave
. Hacride. Antigama
. Manes. Tears
. Glorior Belli. Ulcerate
. Hearse. Fight
. Sworn Enemy. Echoes of Eternity
. Averse Sefira. Glenn Hughes
. Gutted With Broken Glass. Deceiver
. Father Befouled. Witchfinder General
. Puscifer. Moonshine
. End of Man. Cursed
. Papa Roach. Faded Hope
. DC4. Giant Squid