C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. The Kovenant. Steel Prophet
. Grave. Immolation
. Karaboudjan. Neck
. Anthrax. Goatwhore
. Symphorce. Celestial Ode
. Overkill. Ravage
. Firewind. Manowar
. Angel Dust. Power of Omens
. Pelican. H.I.M.
. Brainstorm. Paragon
. Biomechanical. Chainsnap
. Nordheim. Axenstar
. Duke. Mnemic
. Halloween. Probot
. Doro. Shiva
. I Hate Sally. Black Stone Cherry
. Yngwie Malmsteen. downBleed
. Leash Law. Madison Paige
. Icon And The Black Roses. Highlord
. Low Earth Orbit. Jorn
. U.D.O.. Marillion
. Ministry. Black Zodiac
. Dragonspoon. Bonfire
. Unleashed. Imp
. Final Dawn. Potential Threat SF
. Eternal Flight. Scavenger
. Polterchrist. Necrodemon
. GWAR. Throcult
. Mine. Silent Force
. The Lizards. Blind Guardian
. The 7 Method. Avenue F
. Rush. Twisted Sister
. Betrayer. Napalm Death
. Feared Creation. Legion
. Kinetic. Code Black
. Helgrind. Divine Fire
. Entombed. Kamelot
. Astral Doors. Hellfire
. Soulscar. Cemetary
. Alex Skolnick Trio. Bleed The Sky
. Omegalord. Axis Of Perdition
. Drunkard. Kinrick
. Thunderblast. Neil Turbin
. Raintime. Babylon
. Impiety. Slumber
. Groundcrew. Mirador
. Kult ov Azazel. Circus Maximus
. Taake. Dynamic Lights
. Secrets She Kept. Prowler Inc.
. Fates Warning. Holy Blood
. A Lower Deep. Octavia Sperati
. To The Bone. Lake Of Tears
. Pagan's Mind. Monster Magnet
. Evergrey. Penetrator
. ASG. Third Degree
. Savage Circus. Avenged Sevenfold
. The Absence. Damnation
. Dechrist. Crystal Ball
. Dreamland. Infliction
. Gorefest. Motorhead
. Absolution. Fallen Wisdom
. Codeon. Wolves in the Throne Room
. Leviathan/Sapthuran. Speed/Kill/Hate
. The Furor. Non-Human Level
. Sun Descends. Smohalla
. She Said Destroy. Skid Row
. Time Requiem. Thy Majestie
. Lupara. Venom
. The Showdown. Cheva
. Middian. Handful of Hate
. Crescent Shield. Almah
. Passion. Spit Like This
. Since the Day. Aborted
. Denial Fiend. Sworn Enemy
. Keep of Kalessin. Ensiferum
. Pathosray. Heresi
. Distorted. Mass Extinction
. Alkemyst. Cockpit
. Rosetta. Demonic Symphony
. Straight Line Stitch. Burzum
. Manilla Road. To-Mera
. Intolerant. Uriah Heep
. Kiuas. UFOmammut
. Papa Roach. My Dying Bride
. Dark Castle