C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




[Other Maximum Metal Columns]

<< back >>





RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. The Kovenant. Racer X
. White Skull. Exmortem
. Regurgitate. Twelfth Gate
. Stratovarius. Skullview
. Dirty Power. Celestial Ode
. Godsmack. Mark Boals
. Lamb of God. Agoraphobic Nosebleed
. Liege Lord. Manowar
. Endless Time. SelfInflicted
. Fireball Ministry. Chainsnap
. The Graveyard Boulevard. King Diamond
. Crystal Eyes. Malstrom
. Rob Rock. Guardians Of Time
. Windseeker. Drillpoint
. Edguy. Slayer
. Soul Reaper. Royal Anguish
. Drowning Pool. Gothic Knights
. Exodus. Freakhouse
. Cans. Deep Purple
. Skyfire. Gamma Ray
. Iron Angel. Spiral Madness
. House of Lords. Destructor
. Acrid. Therion
. Mob Rules. Meliah Rage
. Black Destiny. Beaten Back To Pure
. Potential Threat SF. Occult
. Division. Annihilator
. Marshall Law. Throcult
. Dark Ruin. Negative Creeps
. Twisted Sister. Tristania
. John Oliva's Pain. Of Infinity
. Crowbar. Hellfueled
. Seige of Hate. Sabaton
. Vicious Circle. Kaamos
. Severe Torture. Novembers Doom
. Frantic Bleep. Lord Gore
. Kinrick. System Of A Down
. Impiety. Defleshed
. Manntis. Naglfar
. Evemaster. Devil Lee Rot
. Morgana Lefay. Agents Of The Sun
. Octavia Sperati. Loits
. ASG. Twilight
. Running Wild. Cryogen
. Ram-Zet. Avulsed
. Midnight Idols. Celebratum
. Bronx Casket Company. The Tenth Circle
. Motorhead. Taunusheim
. Early Man. Fallen Wisdom
. Katatonia. Tandjent
. Dissection. Event Horizon
. Silver Dirt. Pyramaze
. Elvenking. Vreid
. Speed/Kill/Hate. 8th Sin
. The Strongest Proof. Dawn of Azazel
. Before Silence. Azure
. Hydrogyn. Dendura
. Nachtmystium. War Within
. Paul Bonrud. Amon Amarth
. Psycroptic. Sahg
. Time Requiem. Warface
. Woodtemple. Skyforger
. Belphegor. Oblomov
. Rotting Christ. Teeth of the Hydra
. Lupara. Lesbian Bed Death
. Kotipelto. Centinex
. Handful of Hate. The Gathering
. Dream Theater. Static-X
. Lord Belial. Blood of the Black Owl
. Incrave. Passion
. The Prophecy. Divine Empire
. Katrina Johansson. Since the Day
. Aborted. Temple Of Blood
. Cauldron. Pathology
. Ride The Sky. Gutted With Broken Glass
. Last Stone Cast. Burzum
. SOS. To-Mera
. Embalming Theatre. The Lamp of Thoth
. Intolerant. Medieval Steel
. Iron Fire. Papa Roach
. Battleroar. Uli Jon Roth
. Suspyre