C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Cathedral. Cave In
. Hate Eternal. Nightwish
. Poisonblack. Dokken
. Anthrax. Deranged
. Twisted Tower Dire. Seven Witches
. Warhorse. Steel Attack
. Rawhead Rexx. Agoraphobic Nosebleed
. Late Nite Romeo. Led Zeppelin
. Conquest. Brainstorm
. Tungsten. Saint
. Runemagick. King Diamond
. Lanfear. Dream Weaver
. Rob Rock. Guardians Of Time
. Silent Scythe. Pharaoh
. Krisiun. DevilDriver
. Asperity. Soul Reaper
. Dew Scented. Evanescence
. Freakhouse. Messiah's Kiss
. David Shankle Group. Van Helsing’s Curse
. Metalium. Nova Lex
. U.D.O.. Gary Moore
. Estuary. Ungodly
. After Forever. Psychotron
. Beaten Back To Pure. Lullacry
. Megadeth. Age Of Silence
. Valume Nob. Marshall Law
. Necrodemon. Conquestador
. Witchburner. The Last Act
. Acheron. Negative Creeps
. Tsjuder. Tristania
. Betrayer. Mercenary
. Azrael's Bane. Legion
. Motley Crue. Bloody Sign
. Image. Audiovision
. The Apocalyptic Riders. Kings X
. Lost Soul. Loudblast
. Dirt. Seige of Hate
. Soulscar. Suidakra
. Icarus Witch. Chuck Schuldiner
. the missing:. Axis Of Perdition
. Lord Gore. Thunderblast
. Grand Magus. Impiety
. Nightrage. Disbelief
. Defleshed. Blind Stare
. Ektomorf. Unchained
. Dynamic Lights. Nuse
. Prowler Inc.. Horna
. Power Quest. Alice Cooper
. Impaled Nazarene. Loits
. Redemption. V:28
. The Atomic Bitchwax. Black Majesty
. Pagan's Mind. Eternal Reign
. Armored Saint. Dirty Americans
. Winterfell. Casus Belli
. Vinterriket. Phantom X
. Balatonizer. Mistress
. Crystal Ball. Spellbound
. Ram-Zet. Infliction
. Chain Collector. Zero Down
. The Tenth Circle. Torture Killer
. Machina. End of Level Boss
. Nobody's Fool. Pile of Heads
. Phoenix Mourning. Vreid
. Imagika. Azure
. Nachtmystium. Sahg
. Time Requiem. Agalloch
. Woodtemple. Skyforger
. Pretty Maids. Wastefall
. Amputated. Lupara
. Better Left Unsaid. Gaza
. Warmachine. Lost Eden
. Omnium Gatherum. Terry Sullivan
. Mendeed. Five Finger Death Punch
. Hacride. Manes
. Aborted. Warner Drive
. Trenchfoot. Faith And Fire
. Pathosray. Mortiis
. Father Befouled. Trivium
. Virgin Black. The More I See
. Deadsea. Cursed
. Mustasch. Raven