C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Cave In. Into Eternity
. Leng Tch'e. Slipknot
. Steel Prophet. Immolation
. Machine Head. Godsmack
. Queensryche. Nazareth
. Majesty. Iron Maiden
. Lamb of God. Abigor
. Johnny Lokke. Ion Vein
. Nicta. Shakra
. Catch 22. The Graveyard Boulevard
. Steel Preacher. Assrockers
. Drillpoint. Attacker
. Pharaoh. Dreamaker
. Hard Echo. Soil
. TNA. Bang The Union
. Madison Paige. Deep Purple
. Outworld. Van Helsing’s Curse
. Gamma Ray. Jorn
. Lonewolf. De Lirium's Order
. Juggernott. Fabrizio Bonanno
. Chapter VIII. After Forever
. Black Destiny. Shadows Fall
. Dio. Age Of Silence
. I.C.E.. Necrodemon
. Jamie. St. James. Arch Enemy
. Haunted By Angels. Betrayer
. Dark Tranquillity. Motley Crue
. Divine Fire. Miles Beyond
. Seige of Hate. Quiet Riot
. Necrophagia. Yyrkoon
. Tarot. Darkthrone
. Argument Soul. Marduk
. Alex Skolnick Trio. Bleed The Sky
. Holy Moses. Operatika
. Ramesses. Shade Empire
. Ivory Knight. Mirador
. Sothis. Naglfar
. Unshine. Circus Maximus
. Taake. Gaia
. Killing Spree. Power Quest
. Fates Warning. Morgana Lefay
. Flotsam & Jetsam. Redemption
. Eternal Reign. Evergrey
. Armored Saint. Sun O)))
. Casus Belli. Vinterriket
. Phantom X. Dechrist
. Overmars. Asrai
. Zero Down. God Forbid
. Vanquished. Absu
. Enforsaken. Pile of Heads
. Second Shadow. Codeon
. Thyrane. Nightmare
. Scum. The Smashup
. Elvenking. Cataract
. Candlemass. Hirax
. Dawn of Azazel. Cult of Luna
. Unsilent Phenomenon. Smohalla
. Swashbuckle. Skid Row
. Time Requiem. Warface
. Agalloch. Mouth of the Architect
. Hurt. Wednesday 13
. Abominant. Pretty Maids
. Belphegor. The Abominable Iron Sloth
. Wastefall. Satyricon
. Eighteen Visions. Biolich
. Cheva. Demise
. Urkraft. Melechesh
. Lost Eden. Southern Gentleman
. Throne of Katarsis. Crescent Shield
. Passion. Rob Zombie
. David Galas. JR Ewing
. Funeral. Hearse
. Architect. Himsa
. Keep of Kalessin. I Shalt Become
. Ost Est Ima. Jesus Martyr
. Blood Haven. Embalming Theatre
. Medieval Steel. Bible Of The Devil
. Alestorm. Cursed
. Coffins. Faded Hope
. Ihsahn. Nasty Idols
. Battleroar. Raven
. Earthen Grave