C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Bathory. Hate Eternal
. Vicious Mary. Twilight Odyssey
. Big Dumb Face. Grave Digger
. Deranged. Machine Head
. Norma Jean. Kalibas
. Seven Witches. Helloween
. Seether. Majesty
. Rawhead Rexx. Abigor
. Powergod. Dr. Butcher
. Led Zeppelin. Conquest
. Circle of Nero. Goat Horn
. Exawatt. Agony Divine
. Black Sabbath. Inner Rage of Emotion
. Godiva. Fireball Ministry
. Curriculum Mortis. Malstrom
. Sinergy. Project: Failing Flesh
. Shiva. Funerus
. Jaw. UFO
. Leash Law. Amityville Whore
. Donnerkopf. Van Helsing’s Curse
. Gamma Ray. Brutal Mastication
. Spiral Madness. Fabrizio Bonanno
. Destructor. Joe Lynn Turner
. Unleashed. Dream Evil
. Final Dawn. Katagory V
. Z02. House of Shakira
. Haunted By Angels. Anger
. Seventh One. Hanzel Und Gretyl
. Cryme. Fifth Cross
. Feared Creation. Of Infinity
. Crowbar. Bloody Sign
. Audiovision. Rottweiller
. The Apocalyptic Riders. Kings X
. Hellfueled. Korpiklaani
. Soulscar. Desire Black
. Antares. Stormwarrior
. Novembers Doom. God Fear None
. Bruce Dickinson. Meshuggah
. Frantic Bleep. Magica
. Operatika. Impiety
. Slumber. Python
. Graveworm. God Among Insects
. Subterranean Masquerade. Monolithe
. Resurrecturis. Nuclear Assault
. Painmuseum. To The Bone
. Mercyful Fate. Redemption
. Eternal Reign. Before The Dawn
. Monster Magnet. Russell Allen
. Armored Saint. Blood Thirsty Demons
. ASG. Bolt Thrower
. Sun O))). Third Degree
. Damnation. Akercocke
. Cryogen. Overmars
. Infliction. Midnight Idols
. Celebratum. God Forbid
. Gorefest. Virgin Steele
. Absu. Vader
. Thryfing. Witchery
. Across Tundras. Powerglove
. Blackmore's Night. Lair Of The Minotaur
. Nightmare. Steep
. Leviathan/Sapthuran. Viron
. Bal-Sagoth. Nicodemus
. Apiary. Ensoph
. Theater of Tragedy. Fragments of Unbecoming
. Vengeance. Time Requiem
. Mouth of the Architect. Shadows Within
. Pretty Maids. Thy Majestie
. Middian. Starkweather
. Lecherous Nocturne. Phazm
. Diagnose: Lebensgefahr. With Passion
. Threat Signal. Necrophobic
. Crescent Shield. Dezperadoz
. The Prophecy. Hacride
. Pentacle. Katrina Johansson
. Trenchfoot. Malevolent Creation
. Kruger. Ulcerate
. Ensiferum. Diamond Dogs
. 40 Below Summer. Straight Line Stitch
. Vulture Industries. Armory
. Kreator. Moonshine
. Godhead. Souls Of We
. Uriah Heep. Something Beautiful
. Raven. Dark Castle