C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Scanner. Slipknot
. Chaingunn. Twilight Odyssey
. Disturbed. Twisted Tower Dire
. Machine Head. Skullview
. Celestial Ode. Warhorse
. Circle II Circle. Majesty
. Fozzy. Ravage
. Dark Moor. Firewind
. Wizard. Late Nite Romeo
. Black Label Society. Johnny Lokke
. Catch 22. Rage
. Steel Preacher. King Diamond
. Lanfear. Malstrom
. Defiled. Brides of Destruction
. Asperity. Fairyland
. Neverland. Fear Factory
. Superchrist. Babylon Mystery Orchestra
. Cans. Messiah's Kiss
. Madison Paige. Epica
. Amityville Whore. Skyfire
. Van Helsing’s Curse. Nova Lex
. Destructor. Mob Rules
. Chapter VIII. Goatsnake
. Skeletonwitch. Killswitch Engage
. Images of Eden. Nashville Pussy
. Division. Six Feet Under
. Arch Enemy. Ironhorse
. Agnostic Front. Mirror of Deception
. Creed. Sonata Arctica
. Motley Crue. Crionics
. Veni Domine. Dirt
. Seige of Hate. Hellfire
. Suidakra. Car Bomb
. Icarus Witch. the missing:
. Severe Torture. Frantic Bleep
. Strapping Young Lad. Ignitor
. Impiety. Shade Empire
. Biss. Astarte
. Python. Graveworm
. Naglfar. Amorphis
. God Among Insects. Ektomorf
. Subterranean Masquerade. Goddess Of Desire
. Unchained. Nuse
. Alice Cooper. Havochate
. Blitzkrieg. The Scourger
. Octavia Sperati. Mercyful Fate
. Monster Magnet. Violent Storm
. Bolt Thrower. Sun O)))
. Casus Belli. The Absence
. Balatonizer. Cryogen
. Dreamland. Define Divine
. Dogs Of Winter. Gorefest
. Taunusheim. Thryfing
. Naked Beggars. Poison
. Ephel Duath. The Berzerker
. Degree Absolute. Phoenix Mourning
. Silver Dirt. Cavalar
. Athanator. Dream Or Nightmare
. 8th Sin. Dreams of Damnation
. Ensoph. Amon Amarth
. Fleshgore. From the Grave
. Burialmound. Hurt
. The Finals. Battle Bratt
. Wastefall. Zoroaster
. The Showdown. Winger
. Middian. Steve Cone
. Warmachine. Blood Tsunami
. Fu Manchu. Lost Eden
. Onslaught. Static-X
. Nagelfar. Incrave
. Gotthard. Pentacle
. Tears. Denial Fiend
. Wuthering Heights. Blut Aus Nord
. The Wonderfools. Funeral
. Fight. Echoes of Eternity
. Cauldron. Shining Star
. Mortiis. Jesus Martyr
. Witchfinder General. Straight Line Stitch
. SOS. Moonshine
. Hacksaw Surgery. Deadsea
. Kiuas. UFOmammut
. DC4. Dark Castle