C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Hate Eternal. LA Guns
. Loudness. The Haunted
. White Skull. Chaingunn
. Karaboudjan. Disturbed
. Narziß. Machine Head
. Warhorse. Circle II Circle
. Steel Attack. Wizard
. Alchemy X. Vyndykator
. H.I.M.. Agony Divine
. Inner Rage of Emotion. Steel Preacher
. Mnemic. Thunderstone
. Krisiun. Slayer
. Wicked Sensation. Brides of Destruction
. Iron Savior. Volbeat
. Gothic Knights. Scala Mercalli
. Evanescence. Freakhouse
. UFO. Cans
. Deep Purple. W.A.S.P.
. Epica. Iron Angel
. Dragonspoon. Destructor
. Acrid. Goatsnake
. Bonfire. Unleashed
. Skeletonwitch. Lilitu
. Black Destiny. Imp
. Occult. Dark Age
. Katagory V. I.C.E.
. Necrodemon. Slowlife
. The Project Hate. Incantation
. The Last Act. Overlorde
. Tsjuder. Karmakanic
. Twisted Sister. Creed
. Betrayer. Kinetic
. Entombed. Blood Red Throne
. Corrosion Of Conformity. Veni Domine
. Quiet Riot. Astral Doors
. Sabaton. Shatterpoint
. Tarot. Ravensthorn
. Kaamos. Severe Torture
. Alex Skolnick Trio. Bleed The Sky
. Drunkard. Magica
. Lord Gore. Neil Turbin
. Babylon. Impiety
. Green Carnation. Groundcrew
. Defleshed. Python
. Evemaster. Slik Helvetika
. Killing Spree. Frameless Scar
. Thor. Havochate
. Warchild. Loits
. Mercyful Fate. The Atomic Bitchwax
. Russell Allen. ASG
. Overloaded. Casus Belli
. Avenged Sevenfold. Balatonizer
. Gojira. Ram-Zet
. Avulsed. Dragonlord
. The Tenth Circle. Detonation
. Decapitated. Vader
. Intronaut. Poison
. Wolves in the Throne Room. Daylight Dies
. The Berzerker. Tris Katone
. Vore. The Smackdown
. Pyramaze. Candlemass
. Hirax. Hate Profile
. The Furor. Ensoph
. Space Odyssey. Swashbuckle
. Dendura. Scary Manilow
. Time Requiem. Shadows Within
. I. Death Breath
. Belphegor. Satyricon
. Eighteen Visions. Cult of Daath
. Extium. Middian
. Better Left Unsaid. Quest of Aidance
. Urkraft. Twisted Into Form
. Dream Theater. Mindgrinder
. Necrophobic. Old Man's Child
. White Willow. The Prophecy
. Divine Empire. Pentacle
. Nominon. Tears
. Transmission 0. The Wonderfools
. Randy Ellefson. Himsa
. Keep of Kalessin. Spheric Universe Experience
. Heresi. Distorted
. Orthodox. Witchfinder General
. Uriah Heep. Mustasch