C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. HammerFall. The Kovenant
. Lost Horizon. Racer X
. Scanner. Slipknot
. Karaboudjan. Disturbed
. Neck. Anthrax
. Goatwhore. Deranged
. Majesty. Mark Boals
. Godflesh. Advent
. Iron Maiden. Rawhead Rexx
. Agoraphobic Nosebleed. Power of Omens
. Pelican. The Chainsaw
. Endless Time. Byfist
. Shakra. Bloodbath
. Morbid Angel. Runemagick
. Victory. Lanfear
. Crystal Eyes. Primal Fear
. Probot. Body Count
. Dew Scented. Neverland
. Tesla. Three Inches of Blood
. Jaw. Babylon Mystery Orchestra
. Messiah's Kiss. Edge Of Forever
. Metalium. Marillion
. Black Zodiac. Joe Stump
. Fabrizio Bonanno. Joey Belladonna
. Lilitu. Tearabyte
. Megadeth. Throcult
. Within Temptation. Trans-Siberian Orchestra
. Jackyl. Twisted Sister
. Creed. Legion
. Paradise Lost. Blood Red Throne
. Impaled. Maze Of Torment
. Seige of Hate. Necrophagia
. Icarus Witch. Ravensthorn
. Darkthrone. Crimson Moonlight
. Marduk. Omegalord
. Operatika. Thunderblast
. Ramesses. Raintime
. Shade Empire. Def Leppard
. Green Carnation. Darkane
. Subterranean Masquerade. Testament
. Sentenced. Goddess Of Desire
. Taake. Supagroup
. Gaia. Killing Spree
. Fates Warning. Impaled Nazarene
. To The Bone. Peccatum
. Evergrey. Penetrator
. Forever Slave. The Absence
. Dreamland. Sinocence
. God Forbid. Dogs Of Winter
. Torture Killer. Dismember
. Absu. Taunusheim
. Cardinale. Codeon
. Nikki Puppet. Firehouse
. Boris. Event Horizon
. Moonspell. Valhalla
. Cavalar. Candlemass
. Hirax. Speed/Kill/Hate
. The Sword. Dreams of Damnation
. The Furor. Jotunspor
. Unsilent Phenomenon. Destruction
. Sahg. Warface
. Fleshgore. From the Grave
. Mouth of the Architect. The Ruins of Beverast
. Isis. Teeth of the Hydra
. Eighteen Visions. Escape The Fate
. Winger. Celtic Frost
. Steve Cone. Phazm
. Fu Manchu. Threat Signal
. Terry Sullivan. Dream Theater
. Warbringer. Static-X
. Madking Ludwig. Crescent Shield
. Old Man's Child. Merciless Death
. Incrave. White Wizzard
. Chrome Division. Hacride
. Spit Like This. Katrina Johansson
. Antigama. Denial Fiend
. Malevolent Creation. Hearse
. Randy Ellefson. Temple Of Blood
. Ensiferum. Echoes of Eternity
. Keldian. Spheric Universe Experience
. Mass Extinction. Shining Star
. Witchfinder General. Embalming Theatre
. Hacksaw Surgery. Equilibrium
. Trinacria. Place Of Skulls
. Faded Hope. Ihsahn
. Sotajumala. Uli Jon Roth