C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




[Other Maximum Metal Columns]

<< back >>





RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Demons and Wizards. Hate Eternal
. The Kovenant. LA Guns
. Leng Tch'e. Mudvayne
. Nightwish. The Great Deceiver
. Vicious Mary. Perzonal War
. Twelfth Gate. Stratovarius
. Godflesh. Steel Attack
. Fozzy. Mortician
. Widowmaker. Dark Moor
. Crematorium. Power of Omens
. Dr. Butcher. Alchemy X
. Hammerwhore. Pelican
. Exawatt. Agony Divine
. Shakra. Victory
. King Diamond. Nordheim
. Beautiful Creatures. Eidolon
. Project: Failing Flesh. Brides of Destruction
. Doro. Royal Anguish
. Force Of Evil. I Hate Sally
. Black Stone Cherry. Riot
. Cans. Madison Paige
. W.A.S.P.. Lonewolf
. Brutal Mastication. Joe Stump
. Vox Tempus. Black Destiny
. Images of Eden. Lullacry
. Otep. Katagory V
. Z02. I.C.E.
. Jungle Rot. Neurosis
. Dark Ruin. Acheron
. Creed. Napalm Death
. Sonata Arctica. Azrael's Bane
. Fifth Cross. Paradise Lost
. Scenteria. Cradle To Grave
. Lost Soul. Requiem Aeternam
. Labyrinth. Astral Doors
. Tarot. Heartcry
. Desire Black. Diecast
. Chaoswave. God Fear None
. Boomerang. Derek Sherinian
. Drunkard. Lord Gore
. Chastain. Ramesses
. Python. Unshine
. Circus Maximus. Secrets She Kept
. Slik Helvetika. Prowler Inc.
. Gemini 5. Sebastian Bach
. Gaia. Devil Lee Rot
. Edenbridge. Scar Symmetry
. Future is Tomorrow. Winterfell
. Forever Slave. Twilight
. The Absence. Midnight Idols
. Motorhead. Nocturnal Rites
. Machina. End My Sorrow
. Mental Care Foundation. Cardinale
. Poison. Wolves in the Throne Room
. Nightmare. Degree Absolute
. Event Horizon. The Smackdown
. Elvenking. Imagika
. Cataract. Dream Or Nightmare
. The Sword. Dreams of Damnation
. The Strongest Proof. Non-Human Level
. Dawn of Azazel. Theater of Tragedy
. Michael Orlando. Hydrogyn
. Nachtmystium. War Within
. Paul Bonrud. Psycroptic
. Burialmound. Skyforger
. Wednesday 13. Jeff Walker und Die Fluffers
. Belphegor. Myon
. Satyricon. Cheva
. Better Left Unsaid. Urkraft
. Fu Manchu. Omnium Gatherum
. Static-X. Merciless Death
. Nagelfar. Pantera
. The Prophecy. The Wonderfools
. Nation Beyond. Architect
. Depressed Mode. Ensiferum
. Distorted. Dantesco
. Alkemyst. Averse Sefira
. Glenn Hughes. Mortiis
. Father Befouled. Demonic Symphony
. Vulture Industries. Souls Of We
. Celestia. Bible Of The Devil
. Cursed. Faded Hope