C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Anvil. Bathory
. In Flames. Into Eternity
. The Kovenant. Nightwish
. Steel Prophet. Vicious Mary
. Misery Index. Dokken
. Exmortem. Grave Digger
. Nazareth. Lamb of God
. Agoraphobic Nosebleed. Liege Lord
. Masterplan. Power of Omens
. Cage. Shakra
. Saint. Catch 22
. Iced Earth. Chainsnap
. Wycked Synn. Morbid Angel
. Victory. Sinergy
. Vhaldemar. Pharaoh
. Whitesnake. Wicked Sensation
. Lacuna Coil. Fairyland
. Black Stone Cherry. Cryonic Temple
. Scala Mercalli. Exodus
. Riot. Messiah's Kiss
. Icon And The Black Roses. Velvet Revolver
. Hatework. Dimmu Borgir
. Destructor. Devil In The Kitchen
. Scorpions. Meliah Rage
. Final Dawn. Medusa
. Annihilator. Mine
. Conquestador. Witchburner
. Ironhorse. Angra
. Avenue F. Napalm Death
. Feared Creation. Milkweed
. Scenteria. Rottweiller
. Divine Fire. Heartcry
. Hellfire. Backyard Babies
. John Sykes. Diecast
. Derek Sherinian. Axis Of Perdition
. Kryoburn. Kinrick
. Raintime. Slumber
. Ivory Knight. Biss
. Embraze. Raging Speedhorn
. Sothis. Naglfar
. Subterranean Masquerade. Dark Funeral
. Unshine. Circus Maximus
. Nuse. Horna
. Gemini 5. Leaves Eyes
. Sebastian Bach. Devil Lee Rot
. Edenbridge. The Scourger
. Future is Tomorrow. Mercyful Fate
. Lake Of Tears. V:28
. Orphaned Land. Before The Dawn
. Monster Magnet. Armored Saint
. Overloaded. Mabon
. Savage Circus. Paths Of Possession
. Ram-Zet. Midnight Idols
. Skullshifter. The Tenth Circle
. Torture Killer. Absolution
. Mental Care Foundation. Pile of Heads
. Wolves in the Throne Room. Firehouse
. Vore. Phoenix Mourning
. Vreid. Nicodemus
. Bludgeon. Hate Profile
. Dawn of Azazel. Royal Hunt
. Suzukiton. Space Odyssey
. War Within. Zero Hour
. Pretty Maids. Setherial
. Belphegor. Myon
. Zoroaster. Twinball
. Audrey Horne. Starkweather
. Deicide. The Gathering
. Warbringer. Necrophobic
. Passion. Hacride
. Glorior Belli. Kruger
. David Galas. Fight
. Faith And Fire. Architect
. Depressed Mode. Keep of Kalessin
. Pathosray. Ost Est Ima
. SOS. Vulture Industries
. Puscifer. Armory
. Embalming Theatre. Equilibrium
. Virgin Black. Intolerant
. Uriah Heep. Deadsea
. UFOmammut. Something Beautiful
. Crown The Lost. Suffocation