C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Nightwish. Sinner
. Twilight Odyssey. BloodDuster
. Carpathian Forest. Karaboudjan
. Narziß. Anthrax
. Cradle of Filth. Deranged
. Machine Head. Dirty Power
. Seether. Usurper
. Advent. Liege Lord
. Firewind. Wizard
. Evolution. Nicta
. Paragon. Bloodbath
. The Graveyard Boulevard. Wycked Synn
. King Diamond. Lanfear
. Dream Weaver. Mnemic
. Hypocrisy. Edguy
. Fraise. Probot
. Deivos. F5
. I Hate Sally. Silver Mountain
. Construcdead. Exodus
. Bang The Union. Edge Of Forever
. Highlord. Jorn
. U.D.O.. Brutal Mastication
. De Lirium's Order. Schenker/ Pattison Summit
. Fireaxe. Insomnium
. Chapter VIII. Joey Belladonna
. Vox Tempus. Black Destiny
. Shadows Fall. Dio
. Katagory V. Annihilator
. Scavenger. Chris Caffery
. Jamie. St. James. Six Feet Under
. Incantation. Agnostic Front
. Anger. The 7 Method
. Tsjuder. Avenue F
. Dark Tranquillity. Fifth Cross
. Legion. Crionics
. Impaled. Dirt
. Hibria. Mechanical Poet
. Suidakra. Desire Black
. Chuck Schuldiner. John Sykes
. Kaamos. Oathean
. Bleed The Sky. Omegalord
. Meshuggah. Lord Gore
. Holy Moses. Swallow The Sun
. Strapping Young Lad. Neil Turbin
. Raintime. Slumber
. Nightrage. Groundcrew
. Agents Of Man. Brand New Sin
. Subterranean Masquerade. Voyager
. Wetwork. Warchild
. Octavia Sperati. To The Bone
. Pagan's Mind. Penetrator
. ASG. Mabon
. Shattersphere. Damnation
. Dechrist. Overmars
. Ram-Zet. Chain Collector
. Zero Down. Dogs Of Winter
. Torture Killer. End My Sorrow
. Codeon. Clawfinger
. Degree Absolute. The Ocean
. Pyramaze. Imagika
. Sun Descends. Jotunspor
. Suzukiton. Vengeance
. Swashbuckle. Scary Manilow
. Time Requiem. Agalloch
. Hurt. Wednesday 13
. Wastefall. Amputated
. Sathanas. E-lane
. Escape The Fate. Winger
. Cheva. Starkweather
. Quest of Aidance. Centinex
. Blood Tsunami. The Gathering
. In This Moment. Old Man's Child
. White Willow. Almah
. Satariel. Hacride
. Katrina Johansson. Warner Drive
. Glorior Belli. Lipstick Magazine
. Funeral. Fight
. Temple Of Blood. Frosthardr
. Night Ranger. Orthodox
. 40 Below Summer. Gutted With Broken Glass
. Father Befouled. Kreator
. Trinacria. Medieval Steel
. Iron Fire. Son of Eric
. Place Of Skulls. Battleroar
. Dark Castle. Earthen Grave