C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. HammerFall. The Kovenant
. LA Guns. The Great Deceiver
. White Skull. Dokken
. December. Solace
. Warhorse. Rawhead Rexx
. Liege Lord. Widowmaker
. Powergod. Dr. Butcher
. Black Label Society. October 31
. Goat Horn. SelfInflicted
. Iced Earth. Fireball Ministry
. Runemagick. Crystal Eyes
. Axenstar. Mnemic
. Silent Scythe. Thunderstone
. Drillpoint. Hypocrisy
. Edguy. Slayer
. Defiled. Probot
. Brides of Destruction. TNA
. Cryonic Temple. Riot
. Ebony Ark. Bang The Union
. Cans. Deep Purple
. Bleeding Inc. David Shankle Group
. Donnerkopf. Edge Of Forever
. Van Helsing’s Curse. Velvet Revolver
. Gary Moore. Marillion
. Destructor. Krokus
. Killswitch Engage. Metal Church
. Medusa. Polterchrist
. Jungle Rot. Jamie. St. James
. Six Feet Under. The Project Hate
. Arch Enemy. Ironhorse
. Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Mirror of Deception
. Behemoth. Tsjuder
. Avenue F. Rush
. Napalm Death. Milkweed
. Blood Red Throne. Kamelot
. Maze Of Torment. Quiet Riot
. Hellfire. Mechanical Poet
. Icarus Witch. Backyard Babies
. Chaoswave. Pure Inc
. Meshuggah. Debris Inc.
. Impiety. Burden Of Grief
. Shade Empire. Slumber
. Pro-Pain. Blind Stare
. Slough Feg. Dark Funeral
. Taake. Secrets She Kept
. Monolithe. Flotsam & Jetsam
. Painmuseum. Redemption
. V:28. Illuminatus
. ASG. Twilight
. Shattersphere. Savage Circus
. Paths Of Possession. Ram-Zet
. Wolfmother. Define Divine
. Mastermind. Skullshifter
. Sinocence. Zero Down
. The Tenth Circle. Early Man
. Brother Hawk. Craft
. Fallen Wisdom. Totalisti
. Across Tundras. Intronaut
. Codeon. Thyrane
. Cryptopsy. Event Horizon
. Leviathan/Sapthuran. Moonspell
. The Smashup. Cataract
. Speed/Kill/Hate. Bludgeon
. The Furor. The Strongest Proof
. Dawn of Azazel. Jotunspor
. Hydrogyn. Dendura
. Sahg. Scary Manilow
. Time Requiem. Ynis Vitrin
. Shadows Within. Zero Hour
. Jeff Walker und Die Fluffers. Battle Bratt
. Oblomov. Thy Majestie
. Audrey Horne. Celtic Frost
. Steve Cone. Handful of Hate
. Skullflower. Blood Tsunami
. Fu Manchu. Stonegard
. Lost Eden. Southern Gentleman
. White Wizzard. Satariel
. Five Finger Death Punch. The Prophecy
. Aborted. Denial Fiend
. Wuthering Heights. Keldian
. Glenn Hughes. Mortiis
. Embalming Theatre. Kiuas
. Nasty Idols. Mustasch
. My Dying Bride. Suspyre
. Suffocation