C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Chaingunn. Immolation
. Regurgitate. Neck
. Impellitteri. Symphorce
. Kataklysm. Skullview
. Commit Suicide. Seven Witches
. Lamb of God. Widowmaker
. Late Nite Romeo. Alchemy X
. Vyndykator. Hammerwhore
. Ion Vein. Byfist
. Catch 22. Paragon
. Artension. Runemagick
. Mourning Beloveth. Victory
. King Diamond. Malstrom
. Rob Rock. Windseeker
. Probot. Dreamaker
. Hard Echo. Fear Factory
. Devil To Pay. Exodus
. Riot. Deep Purple
. Bleeding Inc. Icon And The Black Roses
. Skyfire. Edge Of Forever
. Brutal Mastication. Juggernott
. Acrid. Joe Lynn Turner
. Ungodly. Bonfire
. Skeletonwitch. Lilitu
. After Forever. Metal Church
. Saxon. Psychotron
. Final Dawn. Dio
. Beaten Back To Pure. Occult
. Medusa. Mine
. Ironhorse. Gods Of Fire
. The New Breed. The Apocalyptic Riders
. The Mighty Nimbus. Miles Beyond
. Kamelot. Quiet Riot
. Hibria. Sabaton
. Desire Black. John Sykes
. the missing:. Darkthrone
. Diecast. Novembers Doom
. Derek Sherinian. Axis Of Perdition
. Strapping Young Lad. Neil Turbin
. Impiety. Disbelief
. Rudra. Agents Of Man
. Mirador. Subterranean Masquerade
. Supagroup. Ritual Killer
. The Father Panic Riot Orchestra. Cannon
. Thor. Wetwork
. V:28. Black Majesty
. Orphaned Land. Dragonia
. ASG. Bolt Thrower
. Twilight. Algol3
. Running Wild. Paths Of Possession
. Damnation. Cryogen
. Doomfoxx. Overmars
. Ram-Zet. Vile
. Dogs Of Winter. Khold
. Vader. Insense
. Craft. End My Sorrow
. Fallen Wisdom. Across Tundras
. Intronaut. Poison
. Event Horizon. Manngard
. The Smashup. TK-421
. Gorgoroth. Scary Manilow
. Fleshgore. From the Grave
. Skyforger. Abominant
. Setherial. The Abominable Iron Sloth
. Battle Bratt. Myon
. Semargl. Mastodon
. Twinball. Venom
. Twisted Into Form. Warmachine
. Fu Manchu. Onslaught
. Warbringer. Cruachan
. Nominon. Since the Day
. Denial Fiend. Retrospective
. Malevolent Creation. Kruger
. Funeral. Ensiferum
. Spheric Universe Experience. Pathology
. Dantesco. Alkemyst
. I Shalt Become. Bilocate
. Trivium. Witchfinder General
. Moonshine. Equilibrium
. Mar De Grises. Alestorm
. Place Of Skulls. Sin
. DC4. Dark Castle