C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Demons and Wizards. HammerFall
. Racer X. Sinner
. Vehemence. Big Dumb Face
. Immolation. Exmortem
. Impellitteri. Twisted Tower Dire
. Nazareth. Usurper
. Godflesh. Steel Attack
. Iron Maiden. Agoraphobic Nosebleed
. Liege Lord. Late Nite Romeo
. Dr. Butcher. Black Label Society
. Alchemy X. Vyndykator
. Pelican. H.I.M.
. The Chainsaw. Agony Divine
. Black Sabbath. Catch 22
. Paragon. Wycked Synn
. Rage. King Diamond
. Crystal Eyes. Nordheim
. Sinergy. Stryper
. Eidolon. Attacker
. Pharaoh. Whitesnake
. Krisiun. Primal Fear
. Dreamaker. Fear Factory
. TNA. Node
. Death Angel. Devil To Pay
. Jag Panzer. downBleed
. Leash Law. W.A.S.P.
. Gary Moore. Unleashed
. Rhapsody of Fire. Psychotron
. Shadows Fall. Wintersun
. Theocracy. Z02
. Necrodemon. House of Shakira
. Tartharia. The Project Hate
. Silent Force. Jackyl
. The 7 Method. Twisted Sister
. Triumph. Betrayer
. John Oliva's Pain. Fifth Cross
. Kinetic. Crowbar
. Motley Crue. Gods Of Fire
. Rottweiller. Strikelight
. Chuck Schuldiner. Cemetary
. Fire Alley. Swallow The Sun
. Ignitor. Ramesses
. Sinisthra. Grand Magus
. Agents Of Man. Taake
. Evemaster. Slik Helvetika
. Monolithe. Supagroup
. Gemini 5. Leaves Eyes
. Blitzkrieg. Octavia Sperati
. Lake Of Tears. Monster Magnet
. 1349. Ewigkeit
. Mastermind. Skullshifter
. Sinocence. God Forbid
. Detonation. Nocturnal Rites
. Absolution. Absu
. Southern Black Sand. 286
. The Berzerker. Event Horizon
. Viron. Phoenix Mourning
. The Smackdown. Bal-Sagoth
. Cataract. Down Factor
. Dream Or Nightmare. Nicodemus
. The Strongest Proof. Black Crucifixion
. Michael Orlando. Jotunspor
. Skyforger. Hurt
. Wednesday 13. Sathanas
. Extium. Lecherous Nocturne
. The Gathering. Fu Manchu
. Stonegard. Hardcore Superstar
. Omnium Gatherum. Dream Theater
. Warbringer. Lord Belial
. Old Man's Child. Grenouer
. Incrave. Keep of Kalessin
. Ensiferum. Averse Sefira
. Shining Star. Gutted With Broken Glass
. Rosetta. Jesus Martyr
. Witchfinder General. Manilla Road
. Kreator. Hacksaw Surgery
. Celestia. Medieval Steel
. Kiuas. End of Man
. Place Of Skulls. Nasty Idols
. DC4. Raven