C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. LA Guns. Loudness
. The Haunted. Carpathian Forest
. Exmortem. Disturbed
. Twelfth Gate. Cradle of Filth
. Godsmack. Queensryche
. Legend. God Dethroned
. Valley's Eve. Cage
. Vyndykator. Johnny Lokke
. Pyn Siren. Hammerwhore
. H.I.M.. Chainsnap
. Mourning Beloveth. Dream Weaver
. Thunderstone. Murdercycle
. Krisiun. Iron Savior
. Neverland. Tesla
. Shiva. Death Angel
. Gothic Knights. UFO
. Epica. Graveland
. Van Helsing’s Curse. Jorn
. Brutal Mastication. House of Lords
. Krokus. Meliah Rage
. Saxon. Imp
. Occult. Aina
. Medusa. Division
. GWAR. Within Temptation
. The 7 Method. Cradle To Grave
. Hellfueled. Apocalyptica
. Backyard Babies. Crimson Moonlight
. Oathean. Pure Inc
. Bruce Dickinson. Lord Gore
. Holy Moses. Thunderblast
. Fastkill. Grand Magus
. Def Leppard. Disbelief
. Defleshed. Amorphis
. Unchained. Kult ov Azazel
. Evemaster. Sebastian Bach
. Havochate. Nuclear Assault
. Dragonia. Violent Storm
. The Firstborn. Ghost Machinery
. Balatonizer. Akercocke
. Infliction. Asrai
. The Tenth Circle. Motorhead
. Nocturnal Rites. Decapitated
. End of Level Boss. Enforsaken
. Second Shadow. Totalisti
. Cardinale. 286
. Nightmare. Daylight Dies
. Event Horizon. Viron
. The Smackdown. Cataract
. Candlemass. The Sword
. The Strongest Proof. TK-421
. Sun Descends. Fragments of Unbecoming
. Jotunspor. Space Odyssey
. Swashbuckle. Dendura
. Nachtmystium. War Within
. Amon Amarth. Warface
. Fleshgore. Zero Hour
. Pretty Maids. Setherial
. Semargl. Mastodon
. Rotting Christ. Biolich
. Demise. Better Left Unsaid
. Celtic Frost. Urkraft
. Fu Manchu. Diagnose: Lebensgefahr
. Lost Eden. Onslaught
. Throne of Katarsis. Warbringer
. Static-X. Manticore
. Lord Belial. Zyklon
. Spit Like This. Nominon
. Rob Zombie. Wuthering Heights
. Trenchfoot. Kruger
. Dantesco. Alkemyst
. Averse Sefira. Shining Star
. Ost Est Ima. Father Befouled
. Demonic Symphony. Jesus Martyr
. Pop Evil. Witchfinder General
. Straight Line Stitch. Burzum
. Virgin Black. Intolerant
. Medieval Steel. End of Man
. Papa Roach. Nasty Idols
. Eighteen Wheels Burning. Something Beautiful
. Caliban. Suspyre