C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Bathory. Vicious Mary
. Big Dumb Face. Immolation
. Poisonblack. Rebellion
. Narziß. Anthrax
. Symphorce. Gun Barrel
. Queensryche. Vaginal Carnage
. Advent. Ravage
. Dark Moor. Sickspeed
. Crematorium. Led Zeppelin
. October 31. Hammerwhore
. Pelican. Biomechanical
. Godiva. Dragonforce
. Thunderbolt. Malstrom
. Sludge!. Axenstar
. Krisiun. DevilDriver
. Lacuna Coil. Brides of Destruction
. Fairyland. Soil
. Superchrist. Devil To Pay
. Jaw. Bang The Union
. UFO. Amityville Whore
. Donnerkopf. Van Helsing’s Curse
. Highlord. Jorn
. Lonewolf. Joe Stump
. Dimmu Borgir. Fabrizio Bonanno
. Therion. Mob Rules
. Goatsnake. Scorpions
. Images of Eden. Dark Age
. Theocracy. Annihilator
. Neurosis. Silent Force
. Anger. Angra
. Avenue F. Tristania
. Triumph. John Oliva's Pain
. Of Infinity. Crowbar
. Cradle To Grave. Helgrind
. The Apocalyptic Riders. The Mighty Nimbus
. Veni Domine. Labyrinth
. Heartcry. Hellfire
. Mechanical Poet. Soulscar
. Argument Soul. Stormwarrior
. Oathean. Alex Skolnick Trio
. Omegalord. Axel Rudi Pell
. Ramesses. Slumber
. Defleshed. Astarte
. Mirador. Python
. Slough Feg. Sentenced
. Dynamic Lights. Horna
. Gemini 5. Ritual Killer
. Dam. Killing Spree
. Frameless Scar. Wetwork
. Havochate. Morgana Lefay
. Agents Of The Sun. Illuminatus
. Pagan's Mind. Blood Thirsty Demons
. Casus Belli. The Firstborn
. Mabon. Running Wild
. Paths Of Possession. Balatonizer
. Even X. Doomfoxx
. Chain Collector. Bronx Casket Company
. Hate. End of Level Boss
. From This Day. End My Sorrow
. Pile of Heads. Thryfing
. Valhalla. Ampast
. Elvenking. Down Factor
. Spawn of Possession. Fragments of Unbecoming
. Jotunspor. Nachtmystium
. Shadows Within. Vicious Rumors
. Burialmound. Skyforger
. Death Breath. Pump
. The Finals. Enochian Crescent
. Amputated. Satyricon
. Lupara. Panzerchrist
. Celtic Frost. Steve Cone
. The Gathering. Lost Eden
. Onslaught. Manticore
. Madking Ludwig. Old Man's Child
. Zyklon. Grenouer
. Almah. Trouble
. Five Finger Death Punch. Aborted
. Transmission 0. Blut Aus Nord
. Malevolent Creation. Himsa
. Keep of Kalessin. Ensiferum
. Echoes of Eternity. Mongrel
. Glenn Hughes. Bilocate
. Manilla Road. Hacksaw Surgery
. Trinacria. Place Of Skulls
. Coffins. Faded Hope