C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Cathedral. Racer X
. Mudvayne. Vehemence
. Children Of Bodom. Twilight Odyssey
. Karaboudjan. Misery Index
. Rebellion. Grave Digger
. Kalibas. Seven Witches
. Agoraphobic Nosebleed. Legend
. God Dethroned. Carnal Forge
. October 31. Hammerwhore
. Brainstorm. Ion Vein
. Evolution. Endless Time
. Catch 22. Paragon
. Dragonforce. Bloodbath
. Lanfear. Dream Weaver
. Brides of Destruction. Out of the Lair
. Soul Reaper. Doro
. I Hate Sally. Superchrist
. Celesty. Evanescence
. Leash Law. Epica
. Amityville Whore. Disarmonia Mundi
. Highlord. De Lirium's Order
. Therion. Ungodly
. Dream Evil. Imp
. Images of Eden. Nashville Pussy
. Division. I.C.E.
. Valume Nob. House of Shakira
. Dark Ruin. Witchburner
. Blind Guardian. Twisted Sister
. Napalm Death. Of Infinity
. Scenteria. Emerald Sun
. Gods Of Fire. Audiovision
. Blood Red Throne. Corrosion Of Conformity
. Dirt. Crimson Moonlight
. Marduk. Bleed The Sky
. Bruce Dickinson. Frantic Bleep
. Magica. Chastain
. Kryoburn. Operatika
. Neil Turbin. Ignitor
. Babylon. Pro-Pain
. Mirador. Communic
. Unshine. Horna
. Leaves Eyes. Ritual Killer
. Cannon. Thor
. Devil Lee Rot. Sheavy
. Scar Symmetry. Eternal Reign
. Russell Allen. Penetrator
. Overloaded. Ignarus
. Mabon. Damnation
. Cryogen. Doomfoxx
. Ram-Zet. Define Divine
. Chain Collector. Mastermind
. Midnight Idols. Celebratum
. Gorefest. Hate
. Early Man. Nobody's Fool
. Witchery. Across Tundras
. Powerglove. Tandjent
. Upwards of Endtime. Firehouse
. Cryptopsy. Moonspell
. Vore. The Smashup
. Bal-Sagoth. Down Factor
. The Strongest Proof. Spawn of Possession
. Cult of Luna. Suzukiton
. Smohalla. Azure
. Woodtemple. Zero Hour
. Anata. The Finals
. Enochian Crescent. Lesbian Bed Death
. Sathanas. Demise
. Better Left Unsaid. Centinex
. Gaza. Blood Tsunami
. Melechesh. Stonegard
. Dream Theater. Warbringer
. Manticore. Mindgrinder
. Marc Sasso. Mendeed
. Pantera. Malevolent Creation
. Himsa. Dantesco
. Rosetta. Trivium
. Straight Line Stitch. Armory
. Hacksaw Surgery. Intolerant
. Mar De Grises. Alestorm
. Kiuas. End of Man
. Sin. Papa Roach
. Ihsahn. Battleroar
. Sotajumala. Dark Castle
. Earthen Grave