C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. LA Guns. The Haunted
. Children Of Bodom. Chaingunn
. Twilight Odyssey. Carpathian Forest
. Karaboudjan. Dokken
. Perzonal War. Deceased
. Regurgitate. Twelfth Gate
. Warhorse. Circle II Circle
. Majesty. Iron Maiden
. Rawhead Rexx. Valley's Eve
. Black Label Society. Cage
. October 31. Johnny Lokke
. Hammerwhore. Brainstorm
. The Chainsaw. Byfist
. Inner Rage of Emotion. Godiva
. Artension. Beautiful Creatures
. Stryper. Mnemic
. Halloween. Attacker
. DevilDriver. Wicked Sensation
. Asperity. Doro
. Hard Echo. Neverland
. F5. Soil
. Death Angel. I Hate Sally
. Jag Panzer. Icon And The Black Roses
. Low Earth Orbit. Jorn
. U.D.O.. Marillion
. Juggernott. Feinstein
. Lilitu. Psychotron
. Katagory V. Throcult
. The Project Hate. Incantation
. Silent Force. Negative Creeps
. Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Tsjuder
. Betrayer. Napalm Death
. John Oliva's Pain. Ligeia
. Lost Soul. Corrosion Of Conformity
. Quiet Riot. Shatterpoint
. Strikelight. Carina Alfie
. Apocalyptica. Wolverine
. the missing:. Darkthrone
. Argument Soul. Stormwarrior
. Chaoswave. Alex Skolnick Trio
. Magica. Chastain
. Def Leppard. Amorphis
. Brand New Sin. Ektomorf
. Unshine. Nuse
. Prowler Inc.. Ritual Killer
. Love Forsaken. Agents Of The Sun
. Flotsam & Jetsam. Painmuseum
. Lake Of Tears. Peccatum
. Redemption. Blood Thirsty Demons
. ASG. Balatonizer
. Dechrist. Dreamland
. Urizen. Chain Collector
. The Classic Struggle. Dogs Of Winter
. Virgin Steele. Absu
. Beecher. Decapitated
. Enforsaken. Pile of Heads
. Totalisti. Scum
. Cryptopsy. Vreid
. Hate Profile. TK-421
. Sun Descends. Before Silence
. Swashbuckle. Paul Bonrud
. Vicious Rumors. Hurt
. Enochian Crescent. Sathanas
. Middian. Starkweather
. Urkraft. Phazm
. Twisted Into Form. Hardcore Superstar
. Southern Gentleman. Battered
. Throne of Katarsis. Warbringer
. Static-X. The Chronicles of Israfel
. Nagelfar. Cattle Decapitation
. Trenchfoot. The Wonderfools
. Fight. Mongrel
. Ride The Sky. Gutted With Broken Glass
. Deceiver. Ost Est Ima
. Jesus Martyr. Blood Haven
. Burzum. SOS
. Moonshine. Embalming Theatre
. Equilibrium. Trinacria
. Bullet For My Valentine. Bible Of The Devil