C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Cave In. The Kovenant
. Nightwish. Sinner
. White Skull. Chaingunn
. Poisonblack. Exmortem
. Disturbed. Perzonal War
. Rebellion. Anthrax
. Impellitteri. Seven Witches
. Mark Boals. Fozzy
. Crematorium. Manowar
. Angel Dust. Cage
. Agony Divine. Iced Earth
. Paragon. Dragonforce
. Morbid Angel. Lanfear
. Assrockers. Rob Rock
. Sludge!. Duke
. Murdercycle. DevilDriver
. Lacuna Coil. Project: Failing Flesh
. Shiva. Construcdead
. downBleed. Freakhouse
. Outworld. Gamma Ray
. Highlord. Marillion
. Iron Angel. Judas Priest
. Hatework. Spiral Madness
. Estuary. Dimmu Borgir
. Devil In The Kitchen. Therion
. Unleashed. Killswitch Engage
. Metal Church. Final Dawn
. Eternal Flight. Z02
. Jamie. St. James. The Project Hate
. Haunted By Angels. Within Temptation
. Acheron. Negative Creeps
. Overlorde. Triumph
. Napalm Death. John Oliva's Pain
. Bloody Sign. Cradle To Grave
. Ligeia. Audiovision
. Crionics. Hellfueled
. Veni Domine. Loudblast
. Korpiklaani. Seige of Hate
. Vicious Circle. Mechanical Poet
. the missing:. Marduk
. Derek Sherinian. System Of A Down
. Grand Magus. Shade Empire
. Biss. Defleshed
. Rudra. Agents Of Man
. Mirador. Subterranean Masquerade
. Taake. Leaves Eyes
. Widow. Havochate
. Morgana Lefay. Painmuseum
. Redemption. Eternal Reign
. Dragonia. Monster Magnet
. Twilight. Infliction
. Wolfmother. Urizen
. Absu. Sepultura
. Nikki Puppet. The Berzerker
. Firehouse. Cryptopsy
. Viron. The Smackdown
. Cavalar. Non-Human Level
. Gorgoroth. Destruction
. War Within. Agalloch
. Pretty Maids. Anata
. Battle Bratt. Eyes of Ligeia
. Lupara. Escape The Fate
. Winger. Demise
. Extium. Starkweather
. Deicide. Warmachine
. Hardcore Superstar. With Passion
. Omnium Gatherum. Throne of Katarsis
. Merciless Death. Cattle Decapitation
. Pantera. Since the Day
. Manes. Glorior Belli
. Hellveto. Mass Extinction
. Glenn Hughes. I Shalt Become
. Deceiver. Demonic Symphony
. Puscifer. Trinacria
. Bullet For My Valentine. Uriah Heep
. Something Beautiful. Battleroar
. My Dying Bride. Caliban
. DC4. Suspyre
. Sister Sin