C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Hate Eternal. Into Eternity
. LA Guns. Scanner
. Big Dumb Face. Immolation
. Stratovarius. Goatwhore
. Seven Witches. Lamb of God
. Widowmaker. Powergod
. Power of Omens. Alchemy X
. Led Zeppelin. Conquest
. Hammerwhore. H.I.M.
. Ion Vein. Exawatt
. Morbid Angel. Mnemic
. Primal Fear. Asperity
. Deivos. Dew Scented
. Node. I Hate Sally
. W.A.S.P.. Kingcrow
. Amityville Whore. Disarmonia Mundi
. Van Helsing’s Curse. Gamma Ray
. Velvet Revolver. U.D.O.
. Dragonspoon. Joe Stump
. Fabrizio Bonanno. Joe Lynn Turner
. Bonfire. Saxon
. Rhapsody of Fire. Lullacry
. Otep. I.C.E.
. Valume Nob. Neurosis
. GWAR. Throcult
. Negative Creeps. Angra
. Avenue F. Rush
. Creed. Of Infinity
. Paradise Lost. The New Breed
. Audiovision. Corrosion Of Conformity
. Shatterpoint. Angtoria
. God Fear None. Bleed The Sky
. Soul SirkUS. Operatika
. Strapping Young Lad. Callenish Circle
. Slumber. Groundcrew
. Astarte. Agents Of Man
. Sothis. God Among Insects
. Ektomorf. Unchained
. Kult ov Azazel. Circus Maximus
. Taake. Evemaster
. Nightvision. Redemption
. Russell Allen. Armored Saint
. Barcode. Ewigkeit
. Vinterriket. Phantom X
. Damnation. Balatonizer
. Dechrist. Even X
. Mistress. Zero Down
. God Forbid. Vanquished
. Across Tundras. Katatonia
. Poison. Ephel Duath
. Scum. Tris Katone
. Degree Absolute. The Smackdown
. Pyramaze. Ampast
. Vreid. Nicodemus
. Hate Profile. The Strongest Proof
. Ensoph. Upon Infliction
. Spawn of Possession. Before Silence
. Smohalla. Hydrogyn
. Paul Bonrud. Fleshgore
. Skyforger. Zero Hour
. Anata. Belphegor
. The Abominable Iron Sloth. Semargl
. Escape The Fate. Starkweather
. Blood Tsunami. Fu Manchu
. Lost Eden. Necrophobic
. The Chronicles of Israfel. Zyklon
. Cruachan. Cattle Decapitation
. White Wizzard. Textures
. Mithras. Divine Empire
. Spit Like This. Wuthering Heights
. Kruger. Nation Beyond
. Himsa. Hellveto
. Depressed Mode. Ensiferum
. Spheric Universe Experience. Dantesco
. Alkemyst. Gutted With Broken Glass
. Rosetta. Mortiis
. Demonic Symphony. Witchfinder General
. To-Mera. Equilibrium
. The More I See. Coffins
. Wolfgate. Raven