C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. The Kovenant. Opeth
. Vicious Mary. Karaboudjan
. Tiamat. Rebellion
. Regurgitate. Impellitteri
. December. Dirty Power
. Seether. Godflesh
. Vaginal Carnage. Ravage
. Angel Dust. October 31
. Pyn Siren. Tungsten
. Inner Rage of Emotion. Sevendust
. Curriculum Mortis. Mourning Beloveth
. Lanfear. Dream Weaver
. Axenstar. Windseeker
. Pharaoh. Fraise
. Defiled. Probot
. Yngwie Malmsteen. Killik
. UFO. Amityville Whore
. Disarmonia Mundi. Fabrizio Bonanno
. Schenker/ Pattison Summit. Therion
. Chapter VIII. Imp
. Shadows Fall. Beaten Back To Pure
. Tearabyte. Medusa
. Eternal Flight. Z02
. Jungle Rot. Internal Bleeding
. Mine. Witchburner
. The Last Act. Agnostic Front
. Tsjuder. Angra
. Avenue F. Creed
. Betrayer. Code Black
. Paradise Lost. Scenteria
. Helgrind. Image
. Requiem Aeternam. Korpiklaani
. Necrophagia. Vicious Circle
. Strikelight. Heartcry
. Mystic Prophecy. the missing:
. Stormwarrior. Neil Turbin
. Gizmachi. Sinisthra
. Burden Of Grief. Pro-Pain
. Groundcrew. Rudra
. Manntis. Secrets She Kept
. Horna. Ritual Killer
. Nuclear Assault. Loits
. Monster Magnet. Evergrey
. Winterfell. Overloaded
. Bolt Thrower. Casus Belli
. The Absence. Damnation
. Balatonizer. Thrones
. Akercocke. Wolfmother
. Chain Collector. The Classic Struggle
. Vanquished. Nocturnal Rites
. Beecher. Brother Hawk
. Upwards of Endtime. Nightmare
. Hell-Born. Steep
. Dissection. Cryptopsy
. Candlemass. Apiary
. Sun Descends. Royal Hunt
. Gorgoroth. Azure
. She Said Destroy. War Within
. Paul Bonrud. Warface
. Agalloch. Anata
. Setherial. Rotting Christ
. Cult of Daath. Lesbian Bed Death
. Sathanas. E-lane
. Winger. Deicide
. Better Left Unsaid. Lecherous Nocturne
. Steve Cone. Battered
. Dream Theater. Static-X
. Necrophobic. Dezperadoz
. Mendeed. Since the Day
. Wuthering Heights. The Wonderfools
. Fight. Hellveto
. Keep of Kalessin. Temple Of Blood
. Ensiferum. Pathosray
. Mongrel. Alkemyst
. Bilocate. Mortiis
. Ost Est Ima. Demonic Symphony
. Jesus Martyr. Vulture Industries
. Bible Of The Devil. Deadsea
. End of Man. Faded Hope
. Wolfgate. Something Beautiful
. Battleroar. Uli Jon Roth