C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Bathory. Into Eternity
. Mudvayne. Grave
. BloodDuster. Immolation
. Tiamat. Disturbed
. Rebellion. Cradle of Filth
. Kataklysm. Godflesh
. Vaginal Carnage. Lamb of God
. Mortician. Masterplan
. Valley's Eve. Pelican
. H.I.M.. Evolution
. Paragon. Dragonforce
. Bloodbath. Wycked Synn
. Kilfast. Mourning Beloveth
. Victory. Nordheim
. Sinergy. Stryper
. Windseeker. Pink Cream 69
. DevilDriver. Asperity
. Out of the Lair. Neverland
. F5. Superchrist
. Cryonic Temple. Funerus
. downBleed. Freakhouse
. UFO. Bleeding Inc
. W.A.S.P.. Kingcrow
. Outworld. Van Helsing’s Curse
. Hatework. Dimmu Borgir
. Schenker/ Pattison Summit. Vox Tempus
. Beaten Back To Pure. Unearth
. Medusa. Age Of Silence
. I.C.E.. Internal Bleeding
. The 7 Method. Behemoth
. Tsjuder. Rush
. Creed. Motley Crue
. Bloody Sign. Divine Fire
. Kings X. Impaled
. Soilwork. Dirt
. Quiet Riot. Strikelight
. Cemetary. Derek Sherinian
. Bleed The Sky. Axis Of Perdition
. Kinrick. Gizmachi
. Callenish Circle. Impiety
. Burden Of Grief. Throes of Dawn
. Embraze. Astarte
. Slough Feg. Sentenced
. Goddess Of Desire. Voyager
. Monolithe. Supagroup
. Leaves Eyes. Killing Spree
. Power Quest. Nightvision
. Sheavy. Havochate
. Iron Maidens. A Lower Deep
. Mercyful Fate. Pagan's Mind
. Sun O))). Balatonizer
. Even X. Ram-Zet
. Avulsed. Chain Collector
. Celebratum. Sinocence
. Detonation. Dismember
. Hate. Nobody's Fool
. Fallen Wisdom. Second Shadow
. Across Tundras. Katatonia
. Tandjent. Beyond Fear
. Upwards of Endtime. Thyrane
. Hell-Born. The Berzerker
. Moonspell. The Smashup
. Warrant (Amer). Candlemass
. Dream Or Nightmare. Bludgeon
. Dreams of Damnation. The Furor
. Dendura. Mouth of the Architect
. Vicious Rumors. Jeff Walker und Die Fluffers
. The Abominable Iron Sloth. Enochian Crescent
. Battle Bratt. Amputated
. Eighteen Visions. Extium
. Starkweather. Lecherous Nocturne
. Handful of Hate. Skullflower
. Twisted Into Form. Diagnose: Lebensgefahr
. Lost Eden. Lord Belial
. White Wizzard. Five Finger Death Punch
. Mithras. David Galas
. Nation Beyond. Mass Extinction
. 40 Below Summer. Pop Evil
. Manilla Road. SOS
. Vulture Industries. Equilibrium
. Winterfylleth. My Dying Bride
. Suffocation. Earthen Grave