C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Cave In. Scanner
. Mondo Generator. Narziß
. Impellitteri. Stratovarius
. Dirty Power. Solace
. Overkill. Circle II Circle
. Usurper. Agoraphobic Nosebleed
. Dark Moor. Metallica
. Angel Dust. Power of Omens
. Paragon. Wycked Synn
. Lanfear. Sludge!
. Sinergy. Guardians Of Time
. Axenstar. Duke
. Attacker. Murdercycle
. Whitesnake. Primal Fear
. DevilDriver. Asperity
. Body Count. Out of the Lair
. Soil. Epica
. Amityville Whore. Marillion
. Zaius. Brutal Mastication
. Joe Stump. House of Lords
. Schenker/ Pattison Summit. Acrid
. Chapter VIII. Scorpions
. Lilitu. Metal Church
. Saxon. Psychotron
. Final Dawn. Wintersun
. Tearabyte. Nashville Pussy
. Katagory V. Chris Caffery
. Marshall Law. House of Shakira
. Haunted By Angels. Within Temptation
. The Lizards. Trans-Siberian Orchestra
. Tsjuder. Karmakanic
. Rush. Mercenary
. Fifth Cross. Code Black
. Cradle To Grave. Divine Fire
. Miles Beyond. Kings X
. Lost Soul. Loudblast
. Dirt. Quiet Riot
. Hibria. Angtoria
. Ravensthorn. Chuck Schuldiner
. Argument Soul. Lord Gore
. Strapping Young Lad. Disbelief
. Embraze. Python
. God Among Insects. Ektomorf
. Sentenced. Circus Maximus
. Evemaster. Thor
. Fates Warning. Havochate
. Morgana Lefay. Agents Of The Sun
. Flotsam & Jetsam. V:28
. Blood Thirsty Demons. Twilight
. Savage Circus. Balatonizer
. Chain Collector. Celebratum
. Sinocence. Detonation
. Absolution. Decapitated
. End of Level Boss. Taunusheim
. Sodom. Enforsaken
. Powerglove. Katatonia
. Poison. Lair Of The Minotaur
. 286. Wolves in the Throne Room
. The Berzerker. Clawfinger
. Cryptopsy. Valhalla
. Pyramaze. Bal-Sagoth
. The Furor. Ensoph
. Dawn of Azazel. Michael Orlando
. Destruction. Swashbuckle
. Scary Manilow. Fleshgore
. Pump. Anata
. Belphegor. Myon
. Wastefall. Rotting Christ
. Starkweather. Quest of Aidance
. Steve Cone. Centinex
. Phazm. Blood Tsunami
. Stonegard. Static-X
. Crescent Shield. Old Man's Child
. Pantera. Nominon
. Wuthering Heights. Funeral
. Randy Ellefson. Sworn Enemy
. Keep of Kalessin. Hell N' Diesel
. Keldian. Night Ranger
. Jesus Martyr. Burzum
. SOS. Vulture Industries
. Armory. Souls Of We
. Son of Eric. Papa Roach
. Giant Squid. Suspyre
. Dark Castle