C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




[Other Maximum Metal Columns]

<< back >>





RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Bathory. Scanner
. Sinner. Slipknot
. Vicious Mary. Chaingunn
. Exmortem. Neck
. Symphorce. Kalibas
. Gun Barrel. Overkill
. Mark Boals. Fozzy
. Dark Moor. Masterplan
. Abigor. Powergod
. Pyn Siren. Hammerwhore
. Agony Divine. Supervillain
. Paragon. Wycked Synn
. Sludge!. Murdercycle
. Wicked Sensation. Soul Reaper
. Fairyland. Hard Echo
. Drowning Pool. Cryonic Temple
. Gothic Knights. Exodus
. Jag Panzer. Evanescence
. Cans. Deep Purple
. Amityville Whore. Metalium
. Highlord. Jorn
. Judas Priest. Spiral Madness
. Joe Lynn Turner. Imp
. Aina. Lullacry
. Theocracy. Polterchrist
. Chris Caffery. Marshall Law
. GWAR. The Last Act
. Ironhorse. Overlorde
. Behemoth. Tristania
. Motley Crue. Gods Of Fire
. Rottweiller. Belef
. Necrophagia. Labyrinth
. Tarot. Darkthrone
. Cemetary. Alex Skolnick Trio
. Boomerang. Omegalord
. Kinrick. Ramesses
. Sinisthra. Raintime
. Defleshed. Vicious Art
. Unshine. Gaia
. Devil Lee Rot. Impaled Nazarene
. Sheavy. Scar Symmetry
. Painmuseum. V:28
. Running Wild. Vinterriket
. Paths Of Possession. Gojira
. Ram-Zet. Urizen
. Celebratum. Virgin Steele
. Absolution. End of Level Boss
. Witchery. Naked Beggars
. Codeon. Daylight Dies
. Hell-Born. Cavalar
. Down Factor. Speed/Kill/Hate
. Abysmal Dawn. Sun Descends
. Royal Hunt. Before Silence
. Cult of Luna. Unsilent Phenomenon
. Space Odyssey. She Said Destroy
. Dendura. Paul Bonrud
. Woodtemple. I
. The Abominable Iron Sloth. Battle Bratt
. Thy Majestie. Zoroaster
. Satyricon. Eighteen Visions
. Lesbian Bed Death. The Showdown
. Starkweather. Better Left Unsaid
. Phazm. The Gathering
. Fu Manchu. Battered
. Dream Theater. Dezperadoz
. Trouble. Chrome Division
. Textures. Five Finger Death Punch
. Retrospective. Malevolent Creation
. JR Ewing. Sworn Enemy
. Ensiferum. Mongrel
. Heresi. Cockpit
. Father Befouled. The Obsessed
. Burzum. Kreator
. Hacksaw Surgery. Souls Of We
. Mar De Grises. Cursed
. UFOmammut. Papa Roach
. Nasty Idols. Earthen Grave