C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Cathedral. Cave In
. The Kovenant. LA Guns
. The Great Deceiver. Solemnity
. Grave Digger. Machine Head
. Skullview. Kalibas
. Seven Witches. Overkill
. Godsmack. Majesty
. Mark Boals. Godflesh
. Lamb of God. Crematorium
. Powergod. Conquest
. Hammerwhore. The Chainsaw
. Tungsten. Byfist
. Fireball Ministry. Artension
. Assrockers. Axenstar
. Eidolon. Hypocrisy
. Slayer. Deivos
. Mother Misery. I Hate Sally
. Gothic Knights. Devil To Pay
. Scala Mercalli. Ebony Ark
. Bang The Union. Amityville Whore
. David Shankle Group. Low Earth Orbit
. Jorn. Iron Angel
. Ministry. Fabrizio Bonanno
. Schenker/ Pattison Summit. Devil In The Kitchen
. Joe Lynn Turner. Chapter VIII
. Ungodly. Dream Evil
. Metal Church. Imp
. Images of Eden. Z02
. Valume Nob. Necrodemon
. Internal Bleeding. GWAR
. Dark Ruin. Six Feet Under
. Haunted By Angels. Within Temptation
. Blind Guardian. Made of Iron
. Angra. Cryme
. Tristania. Creed
. Fifth Cross. Kinetic
. Bloody Sign. Emerald Sun
. Helgrind. The New Breed
. Entombed. Impaled
. Labyrinth. Shatterpoint
. Mechanical Poet. Car Bomb
. Desire Black. Carina Alfie
. the missing:. Cemetary
. Antares. Kaamos
. Severe Torture. God Fear None
. Soul SirkUS. Throes of Dawn
. Def Leppard. Hatesphere
. Defleshed. God Among Insects
. Goddess Of Desire. Circus Maximus
. Voyager. Secrets She Kept
. Supagroup. Leaves Eyes
. Fates Warning. Clutch
. To The Bone. Loits
. Mercyful Fate. Peccatum
. The Atomic Bitchwax. Evergrey
. Overloaded. 1349
. Arthemis. Balatonizer
. Even X. Skullshifter
. Celebratum. Torture Killer
. Motorhead. Hate
. End of Level Boss. Insense
. Grimfist. Brother Hawk
. Second Shadow. Blackmore's Night
. Intronaut. Beyond Fear
. Boris. The Smackdown
. Warrant (Amer). Bludgeon
. Paul Bonrud. Skid Row
. Shadows Within. Woodtemple
. Burialmound. Skyforger
. Amputated. Satyricon
. Eighteen Visions. E-lane
. Extium. Better Left Unsaid
. Centinex. Blood Tsunami
. Melechesh. Static-X
. Old Man's Child. Cruachan
. Pentacle. Manes
. Kruger. JR Ewing
. Pathosray. Averse Sefira
. Gutted With Broken Glass. Deceiver
. Father Befouled. Pop Evil
. Witchfinder General. Kreator
. Place Of Skulls. Cursed
. UFOmammut. Something Beautiful
. Battleroar. Crown The Lost