Tales from the Jugular

40 Most Awesomely Bad Songs?

By: Maximum Metal Staff
Published: Wednesday, December 1, 2004
I was bored, before going to my folk’s house for my Thanksgiving feast, so I figured, what the hell, I’ll watch a little TV. I looked through the on-screen guide when a show on VH1 caught my eye. Now, I know VH1 is a bit idiotic and usually one sided, but the show was “40 Most Awesomely Bad Metal Songs…..Ever”. Against what should have been my better judgment, I tuned in to see what crap they were spouting this time. One can assume that the word “Metal” enticed me a little; however, this is by far 2 hours of my life that I lost. Here is the complete list, from 40 to numero uno, along with my thoughts. --IcedMojo

40. Judas Priest – Turbo Lover
This may very well be the weakest song in the Judas Priest catalog, but deserving to be here--what, are you a retard?

39. Jackyl – The Lumberjack
I never truly got into the Jackyl sound, so I have no opinion on the song, but from what I heard, it is not a bad song.

38. Grim Reaper – See You in Hell
A kick ass song from a kick ass group. I still play it regularly. Outstanding vocal performance.

37. Iron Maiden – Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter
Maiden went though a phase that started after the Fear of the Dark record. Unfortunately, this song was on one of those stray records. It is a stretch to include anything from Maiden here.

36. Creed – Higher
Creed is not metal, so why is it on a metal list? That is beyond comprehension.

35. Green Jelly (or Jell-O, depending on the version) – Three Little Pigs
I will give Green Jelly credit for attempting the unheard of. The riffs were heavy for the time, so bad, naw, no way!

34. Ace Freshly – Rock Soldiers
Dude missed the Kiss Army. All he wanted were soldiers to follow him. Not with that type of crap.

33. Dio – The Last in Line
A bad song? Who made that ruling?

32. Guns N Roses – Estranged
Far too much orchestra for my taste, so my opinion did not vary much here.

31. Loudness – Crazy Nights
I’ll be damn. They trash the only Loudness album that I like. Damn em all to hell.

30. Bullet Boys – Smooth Up In Ya
So what, he is singing about sex. Rappers do it all the time, so why is he an outcast for doing it.

29. Accept – Balls To the Wall
Forget this. That is one of the all time great metal songs. The video leaves a lot to be desired but the song rules.

28. Slaughter - Up All Night
What is wrong with a feel good song?

27. Trixter – Give It to Me Good
Ok, again, I agree. There, I said it.

26. Helix – Rock You
Helix is a group that has to somewhat grow on you. What I think is that they hated the video, so decided to pick apart cool songs.

25. Marilyn Manson – I Don’t Like the Drugs but the Drugs like Me
You could make a shit list with most of this freak show’s noise.

24. Mötley Crüe – Without You
So they slowed down their sound a bit. Whoopty-fricking-do. I mean hell; it was on the same CD with TNT, Dr.Feelgood, and Kickstart my heart. I’d say the ballad fit in so that means VH1 is wrong again.

23. Dokken – Breaking the Chains
A virtually unknown, at the time, and an attempt at radio friendliness, hey, he tried.

22. Van Halen – Without You
Oh my god, can we say pansy. He is not Sammy, give up trying.

21. Quiet Riot – Party All Night
God, I run and hide every time I think I hear that song.

20. Danzig – Mother
I just have one question. Have you lost your mind?

19. Vixen – Edge of a Broken Heart
Richard Marx and metal do not mix well. Otherwise, they have potential. Actually, they remind me of Sinergy, which is in no way a bad thing.

18. Manowar – Blow Your Speakers
This was highly heavy for the time. Actually, I think the anti-radio and anti-video theme of it all is what earned it this spot.

17. Scorpions – Wind of Change
In reality, that was the only good song on the entire album.

16. Queensr˙che - Silent Lucidity
Get a clue, this is an awesome song. Slower than a lot of thier songs and this makes it bad?

15. Whitesnake – Here I Go Again
The people who came up with this list are idiots.

14. Britny Fox – Girl school
Honestly, I could care less about this song or group.

13. Insane Clown Posse – Tilt a whirl
Rapping clowns is now considered metal? Just shoot me now and put me out of my misery.

12. Hear N Aid – Stars
I assume that they did like “We Are The World”. What would be the difference? Can you tell me that?

11. Autograph – Turn Up the Radio
Look at the time that they were in. then call it bad.

10. Limp Bizkit – My Way
What is up with all this rap stuff that is called metal?

9. Cinderella – Nobody’s Fool
I never had any complaints. I really dug a lot of their music, and this was no different.

8. White Lion – Wait
Glam in every since of the word. I am glad that song didn’t hang around too long.

7. Ugly Kid Joe – Everything about You
Say what you want, but the song is as American as apple pie.

6. Stryper – Honesty
Good gimmick and it is a good song for a change of pace. This did seem to be one of their better written songs.

5. Winger – Seventeen
I always liked it, but, what do I know?

4. Poison – Unskinny Bop
This song is so bad that it doesn’t even need to be here, unless it hits number 1 nightmare song.

3. Kiss – Forever
I am just glad this was not a permanent thing. Co-written by Michael Bolton, are you shitting me?

2. Warrant – Cherry Pie
Clever, daring, and witty, but nowhere near bad.

1. Europe – The Final Countdown
Over 2.5 million copies of the album that contained this single were sold. Needless to say, I am positive that most of you guys and girls owned it. Admit it; I know I owned it back in the day. Out of date, without a doubt, but a lot of today’s melodic metal uses keyboards--the thing they said destroyed their sound.

The collaborators must have a crack pipe with them. Funny though, I have seen most of these videos on Metal Mania, and the original Headbanger’s Ball. I guess VH1 haven’t a clue of good. Whatever, that seems to be the way of the world now. Piss on the classics. How very sad it is!


Old compiled Maximum Metal staff choices with commentary:

Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar On Me--Very catchy, very sticky, very dumb.
Def Leppard - Armageddon It--It's a clever play on words, get it? I got it and left it.
Ozzy - Crazy Babies--They're crazy, they're babies and Zak's trills can't save this one.
Ozzy - Gets Me Through--Ozzy is gone and this song should go with him.
KISS - Lick It Up--I'd rather lick a cold metal pole than hear the chorus to this.
KISS - Reason to Live--My reason to live is to never hear this again.
Bon Jovi - Livin' On A Prayer--Every down-and-out, white trash couple finds inspiration and the strength to endure their poor-life burdens from Tommy, Gina and Jon.
Bon Jovi - Wanted Dead Or Alive--He's wanted dead or alive, but he's seen a million faces and rocked them all with that loaded six string.
Bon Jovi - I'll Be There For You--Most cheesy song ever written. I swear those five words are true.
Scorpions - Winds of Change--Hopeful tune about the fall of Communism. Shows that even international hits can be completely banal.
Scorpions - Rhythm of Love--As weak as the punch at a Mormon XMAS party.
Mr. Big - To Be With You--Sappier than the Tennessee National Forest.
Extreme - More Than Words—Battles with the above for Sappiest Ever title.
Poison - Every Rose Has Its Thorn--Do yourself a favor and stick thorns in your ears.
Poison - Unskinny Bop--This song, a handgun and "Unskinny Bop Just Blows Me Away".
Winger - Purple Haze--Hey, Jimi, where you going with that gun in your hand? Hopefully to shoot, Kip.
Winger - Seventeen--Throw that jailbait little slut back to her momma for another year, Kip or you'll have the brightest teeth in prison.
Autograph - Turn Up the Radio--This song may be the nadir of the hair metal era.
Limp Bizkit - Rollin'--Somebody chokeslam these guys through a flaming table.
Megadeth - Crush 'Em--Describes what Megadeth did to their fans after this horrible stinker.
Metallica - St. Anger--Song...album, take your pick.
Metallica - Hero of the Day--Metallica has a great catalog of music. This isn't a part of it.
Anthrax - Bring The Noise--What do you get when bad metal meets rap? Jerry-Curl Aquanet.
Danger Danger - Naughty Naughty--Probably what these band members were thinking as they ran the train...on each other!
Twisted Sister - Leader of the Pack--I'm completely embarrassed on behalf of metalheads everywhere.
Manowar - Blow Your Speakers--Ugh. Put your loin cloths back on.
Grim Reaper - Lust For Freedom--Zzzzzz.
Ratt - Dance, Dance, Dance--No, No, No.
Helloween - Keeper Of The Seven Keys--Tried to be Halloween part 2. It failed.
Helloween - Hocus Pocus--Andi Deris yodels...enough said. Sounds better run backwards.
Alice Cooper - Poison--Alice's trite attempt to hit the mainstream.
Britny Fox - Girlschool--All the girls at this school dream of being Cinderella.
Slaughter - Up All Night--No drug, natural of synthetic, can produce this.
Queensryche - Hand On Heart--Play this and it's hands over ears.
Aerosmith - Livin' On The Edge--Repetitive to the point of self flagellation.
Bad English - When I See You Smile--Listening to half of this is twice too much.
Blind Guardian - And Then There Was Silence--I wish it was all silence.
White Lion - Wait--Wait, Wait before you write anymore crappy ass songs.
Van Halen - Finish What You Started--and play some of your old shit.
Motley Crue - Shout At The Devil (99)--Time has not been kind to this. Let's not have Shout At The Devil (09)
Motley Crue - Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)--Probably, written about some pissed-off ho after one of the Crue's free trips to the Bunny Ranch.
Canibal Corpse - Forcefed Broken Glass--Not as bad as some people say--it's worse.
Firehouse - Home Is Where the Heart Is--Pillow-case sentiment best left in cross-stitch frames than on a CD.
Triumph - I Live For The Weekend--My I.Q. actually decreases when I hear this.
Iron Maiden - Weekend Warrior--Did somebody's kid write this song? Worst I've ever heard Bruce sing.
Iron Maiden - Chains of Misery--Really only has two faults - everything sung and everything played.
L.A. Guns - One More Reason--One more reason to break this album.
Type O Negative - Cinnamon Girl--yawn-inducing Neil Young at 33 1/3 RPM.
Kix - Don’t Close Your Eyes—Just close your mouth.
Warrant - Down Boys--Yes, we know what it's about and frankly, it stinks.

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