Tales from the Jugular

Staff Predictions for 2004

By: Maximum Metal Staff
Published: Saturday, December 20, 2003
Staff Predictions for 2004

Frank Hill
Metal will see a big hard rock resurgence in the U.S. similar to the '78-'82-era and the pre-thrash days of '84-'86. Trendy bands will one again put on jean jackets and grow their hair long and straight so they can look like real old-school metalheads. Glam will attempt an unsuccessful comeback.

Sammy Hagar will rejoin Van Halen with vocals on a new CD and on stage with a series of short tours.

In an effort to scale back on recording costs, the average number of songs on CDs will decrease. More song formats and other band media will be added, though, to use up extra space.

Commercialized Black Metal will continue to make inroads into the US market with at least 1 band breaking into the Billboard Top 25. Only the top few current bands will be successful though.

Marilyn Manson will widen his media role with a co-starring role in a Hollywood movie or at least co-host for a week of ABC's "Jimmy Kimmel Live".

The recently un-Earthed pre-Black Sabbath songs will be added to a CD package and released with the same greatest hits that have been released before.

An aging hard rock band will play the Superbowl Halftime Show with some pop sluts half their age that they have no business being around.

Tommy Lee will show up at [insert trendy hangout] and be seen making out with [insert Hollywood attention seeking slut].

Vince Neil will be on tour outside of [insert midwest town] and get into a fight with [insert drummer/guitarist/vocalist of tour band] over some chicks.

Metallica will release a CD of cover tunes to appease the fans who hated "St. Anger". It will outsell it also.

Bruce Dickinson will face a major scare when a plane he is piloting has engine problems forcing him to make an emergency landing in a country field.

Jack Osbourne will host an episode of Headbanger's Ball, though not because he wants to; because Sharon told him to.

Gene Simmons of KISS will run for political office with a female as his running mate. Debates will be chaos as men clamor to look at her breasts and later find their wallets missing.

Scott Weiland will reveal on live TV shocking details of childhood abuse to Dr. Phil.

Dimebag Darrell will release a metal single with Snoop Dawg on vocals called "Heavy Mizzle Dizzle".

Black Sabbath will be denied to the Rock and Roll Hall of again. Ozzy will fly to Cleveland and piss on the building.

Rob Halford will star in a new reality show called "Queer Eye for the Metal Guy".

Axl Rose will again consider releasing "The Chinese Democracy" after finishing off a box of chocolate bon-bons.

Buckethead will switch to a more nutritional healthier bucket.

Ozzy will spend most of 2004 in the hospital and in hospice care. Sharon will raise money by auctioning off his used sheets, bedpans, IV tubes, urine samples and catheters.

Glen Danzig will open a new resturant with Chef Paul Prodhomme focusing on blackened chicken, blackened rice, blackened white fish, black-eyed peas and black cats. It will be called "Muttonchops".

Varg Vikernes (a.k.a. Count Grishnack) will escape from prison again. It will start when he says to the warden, "I'm goin' out to pick up some smokes. Be back in an hour."

Nobody will commit suicide, but a fan will be killed on stage when he yells into a mic, "Fred Durst for President!"

The male cast member picked to play the role of Nikki Sixx in the film adaptation of the Crue book "Dirt" will become addicted to heroin just from hanging around with Nikki.

Judas Priest will tour again. K.K Downing and Glen Tipton will invest heavily in picks, strings and soap-on-a-rope.

Bands to Watch in 2004: Judas Priest, Cradle of Filth, Iced Earth, AC\DC, Slipknot, Velvet Revolver, Fireball Ministry, The Darkness

Next year metal will see a slight surge, with the Gothenburg death scene dominating what is now called nu-metal. Bands like Shadow's Fall, In Flames, Arch Enemy, and Single Bullet Theory will all see a rise in sales and some huge touring offers.

Van Halen will be back with Sammy Hagar on the mike. Expect to see a new record from them by fall, with a huge summer touring package featuring Halen, KISS, Aerosmith, and Bon Jovi. They may even do a platinum package offer to fans for a million dollars. Hey KISS did it for a $1000!

Motley Crue will hit the circuit again with very little success. The world doesn't care if they are shouting at the devil, shouting at their bitches, or shouting at their attorneys. The Crue is finished.

The 80s thrash scene will try to bring the popular Gothenburg death scene into their sound. Expect comeback albums from Testament, Death Angel, Dark Angel, and Forbidden. These guys won't go back to the sound that has made them however, only the sound that will pay off their 20 year credit card debt.

By the end of 2004 a power metal band will finally hit the mainstream. We may see Hammerfall on a box of Wheaties.

Black metal will be commercialized next year. Perhaps we will finally see the ultimate crossover of musical trends...black rap. Hmmm......

Expect 25% of all heavy metal albums to be packaged with DVDs. Thanks Metallica, here's a gram of coke.

Iced Earth will release a remake of the 1970 Conway Twitty hit "Hello Darlin" to critical acclaim, those critics being the three people who actually bought an Iced Earth album

As with Load and Re-load, Metallica will release "Still Angry" Angry that there follow up will probably make them a squillion dollars when all they had to do was release the same album but with 2 songs on the album having KKK Radio Version, Dj Bobo Mix or Live In My Bathroom written next to them

Pantera will reform under the name "Super Chronic Headache Ass Fuck Ritual"

Fred Durst will die from something aids related.

Trendy music executives looking for the next fad will come up with metal genre names like nuwer metal, PumpHopThrashcicle, Corepop, Jumpystuff (with little dots over the U) and powderpufftrippyhippyhappyhardcore

They will find kiddie porn on Chester from Linkin Park's computer

Marilyn Manson will find God and go on tour with Jimmy Swaggart

Wallet chains become outlawed because as the year went on, they got longer and longer until some 13 year old hung himself jumping around to Static X

The lead singer from Orgy decides to shave his other eyebrow, then his eyelashes, pubes, tongue and eventually all the skin on his body until we no longer need to look at his faggot ass anymore

Angus Young will finally graduate and stop wearing stupid fucking school clothes

Anthrax will actually be mailed Anthrax

Black Sabbath will release the "Best of Black Sabbath Vol 45", some of their best stuff yet!

Some 11 year old girl will get the biggest assed shock of her life when she mistakenly picks out a Britny Fox album instead of Brittany Spears
Cinderella will finally come out of the closet and admit they are faggots

The drummer from Def Leppard will lose his other arm

Gun's and Roses will FINALLY release their long awaited new album, well maybe next year

KISS will be touring for the last time (no really serious this time)

Dave Mustaine will dry his eyes and get over Metallica (who are we kidding)

Warrant will relive old glories by releasing a new album early April with a rumoured song list to be

1. Apple Pie
2. Pumpkin Pie
3. Egg and Bacon Pie
4. 3.1415926536

Scott Weiland will finally O.D.

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