Tales from the Jugular

Offenders of the Faith Pt. II: Queensryche

By: Jonah Haze
Published: Friday, September 14, 2012
Drama Queen of the Ryche Starring the Original Voice: Geoff Tate

Queensryche were such a promising NWOBIAHM (New Wave of British Influenced American Heavy Metal) band in the early eighties. Along with debut contemporaries like Anthrax and Overkill there was some heavy lifting but respectful representation of their British peers. But taking hold of the flame seemed to burn the hands of those interested in business not ideals.

Self-titled, the band's 1983 EP debut was the dark and heavy Priest/Maiden influence that that threw the squirrels nut into the branches of the American metal genre. Thrash bands could respect them & hair bands were scared out of their spandex. They were the first wave of the Seattle threat to bummer the summers of the Sunset Strip Fourthward into 1988, "Operation Mindcrime" mesmerized enough of their core to start building an empire around it. That was the concept at least. This was their gift from the gods. Their power produced their proudest piece of the pie. Then...

In 1990, the group gave up the gold in search for the silver by releasing their fifth cd, "Empire". Gone was the power and glory and entered a socialists dream of anti-God, guns and government storytelling that would eventually applaud Dave Matthews for shitting into the Chicago river. Queensryche's "Empire" was Metallica's "Black Album." The revised text of art was replaced by commercialism. Both were very successful being nurtured all the way from MT(error)Vision and even Casey Kasem. Queensryche should have been pronounced dead on the arrival of "Empire" hitting the shelves. And as with every Empire, history will tear it down.

The following two "WTF" outputs weren't enough to keep Chris Degarmo's input. His departure was the official time of death.

Along with Metallica and a few others I have awarded Queensryche as official "Offenders of the Faith." These poor "legends" strayed from the path of righteousness at a critical point of the rebirth of American metal.

Geoff revealed his new "Super Star" line up recently which includes:
Bobby Blotzer (Ratt) on drums
Rudy Sarzo (Quiet Riot, O$$y, Whitesnake, Dio) on bass
Kelly Gray (original replacement for Degarmo) on guitars
Glen Drover (Megadeth) on guitars
Randy Gane on keys

Queensryche have announced vocalist Todd LaTorre (Crimson Glory) as the new lead with the rest of the band remaining in tact.

PLEASE don't get me started on Gee-Off's choices from the Island of Misfit musicians. We will see how all this "plays" out. Donuts to dollars Blotzer is the first one out due to lack of communication. Every day they are clogging the press lines by stuffing their self importance right down the medias' throats. This is like a presidential election. But they aren't slinging mud.

Finally all of the best worst bands in one: REM, Steely Dan, Pearl Jam, U2, Dave Matthews, Prince, Matchbox 20 and Bruce Springsteen with a touch of alternative adult contemporary. Not funny.

Geoff you are living proof that your music isn't hair raising anymore.

Della Brown turned white when she heard the last cd.

An empty paper clip is heavier metal.

Bald, goatee & black leather: He's the gay Rob Halford. Rob's not offended by my joke but he is offended by Geoff trying to be gay.

Factoid: In 1998 Geoff wanted to get into Journey but Neal Schon was too much of a tight ass.

Take hold of the flamer.


... Is there anybody listening? Is there anybody reading?

Geoff's biggest solo hit will be the ground.

Van Halen.

Geoff Tate's Queensryche is like Jani Lane's Great White. oooh... too soon?

Wish the first album woulda been called "Warning."

You used to rage for order and now you are dedicated to chaos. That is fates warning!

Tate's Warning.

"Geoff Tate's Global Warning Tour" would actually be a cool title.

Geoff Tate spits on more audiences than Fred Willard.

The French are already calling for a reunion. They love taking spit baths.

Talk about using a "spit tune."

Originally Michael Schenker was scheduled as a guest to hit Michael Wilton but he is too busy still trying to write one.

Metallica..."Empire" was Queensryche's "Black Album."

Black man still trapped again.

Queensryche should have done an album with the Beach Boys and called it "Hulu."

They also should have done an album with Louie Armstrong and called it "Zulu."

Geoff and Lars should step outside and exchange blows to see who is the bigger dick.

This guy has walked off more stages than an alcoholic.

We'll always have our "Last Tango in Paris."

If I wanted to get spit on, punched, demeaned, threatened and abandoned I'd go back to work for my pimp.

Van Halen.

Queensryche fucks you out of the show. A dirty-little-stripper-fucking-bitch-slut-thieving-heart-fucking-breaking-fucking-psychopath-satanic-whore ex-girlfriend fucks the show out of you. lol jokin hun! Miss U lol Just listen to the doctors and sleep now, sleep... that 'a gurl!


At least O$$Y kills his guitar players.

Geoff got his feathers in a fluff and he already looks like a bald eagle. I say this guy's for the birds.



Mr. Tate! How do you really spell your first name? C'mon! Spit it out!

I just got an e-mail from David Coverdale's attorney. He served me with a cease and desist using the song title "Spit it Out", under any circumstances, especially in relation to a joke about Geoff Tate, since Geoff is the joke.

Shit, now a new email direct from Robert Plant. Apparently he owns the copyrights to every joke about Coverdale. So I've gotta listen to both these assholes cry now. I have no idea how these guys knew I was writing this joke right now and how they got my email address. But this is still going to print, snapperheads!

20 years of blood money: Vempire!

The lady still wears black. It will stay in season longer than he will.

Jimmie Jones served a better punch.


Would the term "Taters" apply to his younger crowd? Or to his haters?

Geoff is like a bitter baseball player who always wanted to play for the other team.

Varnished band to tarnished brand? See my reviews on Metallica and Van Halen.

He is a great soap opera singer.

A professional "wine maker?" More like a professional whiner.

I'm sick of this soap Oprah.

This may be Geoff Tate's fault, but its Queensryche's responsibility to make it right.

Queensryche: OFFENDER!


--Jonah Haze

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