Tales from the Jugular

Offenders of the Faith Pt. I: Metallica

By: Jonah Haze
Published: Friday, December 9, 2011
Offenders of the Faith Pt. I: Metallica

Finally! After years of procrastinating, deliberating, studying, writing, listening, reviewing, disappointment, re-listening, rewriting, depression, happiness, plain laziness, eating crow as my budget for food was spent on their cd's, and fresh crow being fed to me from protective friends, "rabid" fans & your average "to be expected" haters who thought of me and my ideas as blasphemous, I present to you my first in a series of "Offending" columns.

Eddie Trunk recently dialogued about this timely topic of "Left Turns" on VH1 Classic's "That Metal Show." The band in example was Queensryche with their latest in mouth puker "Dedicated to Chaos." (Stay tuned for Pt. II: Queensryche). The critique was short and an obvious lenient observation. Eddie and the boys were treading lightly for their featured guest, "Lars." Exactly. The King of "Left Turns."

Before "Lars" even publicly announced this "collouberation" I'd been dancing barefoot on the devils coals in anxious anticipation! Yes! This was the best music news since Courtney shooting Cobain! Ha! I feel a change in the earth, in the wind and the rain. The news had already pretty much hastily scaled up the lattice like Billy Loomis into Sidney Prescott's room. With the intent to kill.

Welcome as we reveal the deceptive "V" like lizard skin underneath Metallica!

Metallica started out as a "Thrash" band. Metallica were unquestionable, unashamed, and unapologetic.

WERE turned into WAS and led us to what is NOW and now is "LuLu" --Metallica and Lou Reed.

Before this new Lou Reed record dropped, their sub-textual apology drowned in the tears of passion for the "best project of their career." The only contingency plan was to cry, like the soap opera queens they are, that the critics and fans just don't get it.

No. We don't get it and we are ashamed of them. After twenty years of cunning jumps over Hollywood land sharks like rock stars with fast cars, who do you think you are? Everything you ever claimed to stand against.

Well, fuck you.

"Experimental" music costs fans the money they could be otherwise spending on other self-destructive activities. You instantly feel defeated when the "possible side effects" sticker on the front of "LuLu" only includes "Death by Boredom." What you hear should be the sound that shouldn't be heard.

Yep, used to be Thrash without care or want or need for radio or MTV.

On the top of the underground first wave of American Thrash Metal at the turn of the 80's. They sought and destroyed anything close to thrash; Slayer, Megadeth, Exodus, Testament and others were kicking at their heels and kissing their ass. Since Metallica got lost on their own bus, Slayer have reigned in blood as the universal stamp on the PMRC's label for Thrash. Slayer to this day have always maintained respect for themselves and their audience--a strong constitution and the freewill to never compromise or violate the original integrity of the bands vision and purpose. Slayer is the answer to AC/DC's rock hard-headed approach that "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Hmm...what road did Metallica take to lead them to being spun in cotton candy by "Killer Klowns From Outer Space?!" Metallica used to bare-knuckle brawl and pull no punches. Teeth would fall so you didn't have to worry about anesthesia. Kill em all, the ride had begun. The lightening fades to black ice, returning to crown them as masters of their craft. All others were like puppets. Metallica were the Pastors of Muppets.

You can trace back to the exact point Metallica started wandering away from their "thrash root ideals" with filming an MTV video for the single "One" from "And Justice For All." This wasn't a bad album at all, (all of the great riffs were left over's from Cliffs catalogue, RIP Cliffy) but did certainly catalyst a power metal version of Metallica. With MTV chomping at the bit to help soften the past and control their future, money talked and thrash walked.

Come the Metallica's fifth release the "Black Album" take out the "h" of "Thrash." After all, hair eventually falls out, you put on a little weight, and your songs get shorter. But you don't need to change what IS Metallica. Metallica WAS thrash. "Enter Sandman" was so profoundly articulate no one really got the message. They could call these new mock-Metallica releases in from their beds at home and like John and Ono, (but longer), someone is always there to answer their calls. I mean, Cheezus Christburger! did anyone ever think to hang up the phone on the other end? Would the call of Ktululu have even been picked up when Cliffy was alive? Fuck no. Why don't you guys just exhume Cliff and use him as the hair band of the week poster to throw darts at? That's disrespectful enough for me to say. But it seems to be the rotten truth.

And what are the children of the 80s supposed to think now? What of the ideals of strength and individuality? You were so convincingly real and full of rebellion against a society that saw us as disposable. Sad. You've earned and embraced the smoke and mirrors of Hollywood. You lied when you said you would always be here for us. So now we have to use the same strength and individuality against you and not support you? WTF?! You have willingly grown into some kind of piece of shit. There is no representation of Metallica anymore.

As bored as I started to get about Anvil crying for attention, at least now they're trying instead of crying. And while they've returned as power metal, they are still heavier than you. As per your tale you were allegedly influenced by Advil, oops I mean Anvil, and opened for them back in the day.

Sorry, this whole thing is a headbangers nightmare.

So you were more cool than bandwagonish by taking them along on your "Death Fagnetic" tour. OK. Neat. Epileptics thrash, not Metallica. So start counseling yourselves back on Anvil's heels again after Lou Reed retires you. All love for Lou but Metallica musta tripped over Reed in Central Park during their band vacation therapy walk. They probably thought he was some homeless junkie so I'm sure they gave him a couple of brainers before they left. Not some cool casual jamming and bullshitting at the 25th Anniversary of the Rock and Roll Hall of Shame Awards. Nice try. You laughed on stage when you realized it was Lou you brained but separated that from the music to justify your actions. They have been kicking the proverbial brains out of the fans asses for years. So what's the difference?

Again another call meant for voice mail but instead received as excited as a kid with a gun at school. This album threatens Metallica's very existence and they're too arrogant to hear it. As much as Reed tortures us with his interest in singing out of tone, tune, melody, key, and phrasing like he just got out of throat cancer radiation treatment, he still sounds better than James Hetfield.

God I hope Lou sold his soul along time ago. I think he did, because avant-retard Americana folk spoken Louser music plays in the elevator seen in Dio's video for "The Last in Line." I think that kid was more scared of the music than Murray.

The stupid idea that a band with a name like Metallica would even humor this stupid idea makes me feel real stupid for taking my time. But the truth isn't out there folks, its right here. When I tirade about violating the original integrity of their songwriting I am simply referring to how they have willingly forgotten their roots. They became the monster they stood against. And no one cares to man up at the table and just laugh uncontrollably. "LuLu" instead laughs at all of us. "LuLu" actually was the name of my first cat!

You're gonna have to hire Spinal Tap for Damage Inc. control. Marianne Faithful has more hair under her arms than Lars does on his head. And c'mon, an hour and a half of slow repetitious riffs is also hell on your ears. This album is so important and because it's a concept record for Lou it had to be released as a two cd set. One disc had room for 6 songs and the other summed it up with only 4 songs. So, that's enuf time for me to watch "She-Devil" and enjoy it.

If there ever was a time to be afraid of Metallica its now. Finally we can leave a suicide note blaming Metallica. Metallica used to be tighter than a virgin mangina at Shawshank. But don't worry, Lars's drum stool is nice and loose now. Loose and lost like a hooker in a circle.

Am I as self-indulgent as they are now?

Any echoes of being the next Black Sabbath have been suspended in the valley of Lousers. I hope Lou Reed shoots himself with his velvet revolver in his velvet undercarriage. I don't wish him any harm, this is not his fault, not even his responsibility. Nothing else matters but what the future holds for Metallica. This is Metallica's fault and responsibility.

A Lou Reed co-op with Metallica makes about as much sense as chicken and waffles did 20 years ago. But believe me, this won't take off in 20 years. It will take the last 20 years since the "Black album" and put the Napster pennies in the eyes of a dead thrash band.

Core fans are steadily resurfacing from the underground resistance. I can appreciate the hardcore fans, but at this point you really should be out of mom's garage puffin away to "Reload", thinking the higher you get you'll continue to find more and more of the endless genius of anything beyond "And Justice For All." Sell that weed at least and make some kind of living!

I...I, just don't know Metallica anymore and I wish they would just shut the hell up.

Speaking for all, we never liked the mixed musical messages and "Monumetal" affect the 90's had on Metallica and others, as well as the affect these bands had on the 90's. Asking Metallica to take out the ego plugs and listen to the fans that finance their audio lies, is like asking a man with no legs to take a leap of faith.

If they fell off the edge we wouldn't have to hear them anymore.

Metallica: OFFENDER!

We ALL have a voice here on the internet so let me hear you scream!
Flood that mail desk with your horns held high!
Let us know if I'm offending you.
Let us know if you're defending me.
Just share how YOU, the fans feel!
It's the only way for our community to stay together!


[Other Maximum Metal Columns]

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