F E A T U R E

Iron Maiden and Eddie Are Now Neutered: The Beastly Written Rant!
2/18/2011 3:29:11 PM by Jonah Haze




I almost hate myself for having to write this. After procrastinating procrastination of the most dreaded task I've ever had to face in the written word, this is my moral obligation as both a critic and a fan.

Tis official now--Iron Maiden are actually a tribute band to themselves! And as they painfully try to write and play the part(s) like Iron Maiden, they sadly cannot. This is Iron Maiden 33 years old--out of shape and out of original thought almost like Alzheimer patients but without any flashing memories of the past.

There is only on Iron Maiden. Actually there are five Iron American "Maidens" who kick balls better by breast feeding this British band because babies beget the babies they've become. They need to be nursed back to life apparently.

I love Iron Maiden. I love everything they stand for and have loyally blown my own breath into the giant floating Eddie doll since forever. I will always support and salute the name and legacy of Iron Maiden, but I cannot and hence will not understand or trust them from now on...

[Full Column]



<< back >>






RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
Anvil Cave In
In Flames The Kovenant
Opeth Slipknot
Grave Immolation
Dokken Cradle of Filth
Symphorce Kataklysm
Gun Barrel Helloween
Mark Boals Ring of Fire
Godflesh Advent
Firewind Wizard
Abigor God Dethroned
Alchemy X The Chainsaw
Evolution Artension
Assrockers Wicked Sensation
Lacuna Coil Doro
Dew Scented Royal Anguish
Node Yngwie Malmsteen
Jaw Kingcrow
Outworld Amityville Whore
Icon And The Black Roses Skyfire
Highlord Gary Moore
Joe Stump Acrid
Krokus Therion
Meliah Rage Imp
Otep Katagory V
Eternal Flight I.C.E.
Within Temptation Overlorde
Cryme Triumph
Motley Crue Emerald Sun
Audiovision Soilwork
Quiet Riot Heartcry
Hellfire Carina Alfie
Samael Diecast
Stormwarrior Magica
Swallow The Sun Strapping Young Lad
System Of A Down Impiety
Nightrage Green Carnation
Disbelief Defleshed
God Among Insects Communic
Darkane Kult ov Azazel
Taake Nuse
Monolithe Horna
Supagroup Dam
Gaia Alice Cooper
Resurrecturis Wetwork
Havochate V:28
The Atomic Bitchwax Before The Dawn
Russell Allen Violent Storm
Penetrator ASG
Overloaded Bolt Thrower
Twilight Savage Circus
Avenged Sevenfold Arthemis
Asrai Torture Killer
Vanquished End of Level Boss
Enforsaken Brother Hawk
Codeon Scum
Firehouse Boris
Manngard Bal-Sagoth
Cavalar Dawn of Azazel
War Within Fleshgore
I Anata
The Abominable Iron Sloth Lesbian Bed Death
Obtest Winger
Deicide Better Left Unsaid
Kotipelto Steve Cone
Handful of Hate Phazm
Twisted Into Form The Gathering
Omnium Gatherum Crescent Shield
Old Man's Child Dezperadoz
Grenouer Almah
Mendeed Trouble
Five Finger Death Punch Rob Zombie
Since the Day Warner Drive
Transmission 0 Trenchfoot
Architect Cauldron
Keldian Diamond Dogs
Frosthardr Spheric Universe Experience
Shining Star Deceiver
Ost Est Ima The Obsessed
Jesus Martyr Aetherius Obscuritas
Straight Line Stitch Moonshine
The Lamp of Thoth Iron Fire
Son of Eric Cursed
Battleroar Crown The Lost
Giant Squid Dark Castle