F E A T U R E

Iron Maiden and Eddie Are Now Neutered: The Beastly Written Rant!
2/18/2011 3:29:11 PM by Jonah Haze




I almost hate myself for having to write this. After procrastinating procrastination of the most dreaded task I've ever had to face in the written word, this is my moral obligation as both a critic and a fan.

Tis official now--Iron Maiden are actually a tribute band to themselves! And as they painfully try to write and play the part(s) like Iron Maiden, they sadly cannot. This is Iron Maiden 33 years old--out of shape and out of original thought almost like Alzheimer patients but without any flashing memories of the past.

There is only on Iron Maiden. Actually there are five Iron American "Maidens" who kick balls better by breast feeding this British band because babies beget the babies they've become. They need to be nursed back to life apparently.

I love Iron Maiden. I love everything they stand for and have loyally blown my own breath into the giant floating Eddie doll since forever. I will always support and salute the name and legacy of Iron Maiden, but I cannot and hence will not understand or trust them from now on...

[Full Column]



<< back >>






RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
Hate Eternal Grave
Children Of Bodom Karaboudjan
Mondo Generator Deceased
Anthrax Twelfth Gate
December Usurper
Lamb of God Mortician
Ravage Sickspeed
Masterplan Metallica
Cage Vyndykator
Ion Vein Nicta
Godiva Bloodbath
Mourning Beloveth Rage
King Diamond Beautiful Creatures
Stalker Krisiun
Slayer Fraise
Superchrist Devil To Pay
Construcdead Scala Mercalli
Jaw Deep Purple
Skyfire Nova Lex
Gary Moore Hatework
Joe Stump Therion
Mob Rules Insomnium
Bonfire Skeletonwitch
Dream Evil After Forever
Killswitch Engage Aina
Otep Division
Z02 House of Shakira
The Project Hate Arch Enemy
Ironhorse Karmakanic
Tristania John Oliva's Pain
Milkweed Audiovision
Blood Red Throne Lost Soul
Hellfueled Korpiklaani
Yyrkoon Strikelight
Carina Alfie Chuck Schuldiner
Backyard Babies Darkthrone
Omegalord Meshuggah
Frantic Bleep Fire Alley
Thunderblast Sinisthra
Shade Empire Nightrage
Astarte Graveworm
Testament Sentenced
Taake Voyager
Secrets She Kept Leaves Eyes
Fates Warning Morgana Lefay
Nuclear Assault To The Bone
Future is Tomorrow V:28
Dirty Americans Winterfell
Algol3 Overmars
Zero Down Gorefest
Hate Absolution
Katatonia Nikki Puppet
Wolves in the Throne Room Nightmare
Leviathan/Sapthuran The Ocean
Manngard Ampast
Athanator The Sword
Dreams of Damnation Upon Infliction
Gorgoroth Suzukiton
Paul Bonrud Scary Manilow
Death Breath Amputated
Semargl Eyes of Ligeia
Lupara Sathanas
Escape The Fate The Showdown
Middian Starkweather
Better Left Unsaid Urkraft
The Gathering Diagnose: Lebensgefahr
Lost Eden Throne of Katarsis
Static-X Mindgrinder
White Willow White Wizzard
Rob Zombie Aborted
Throneum Funeral
Himsa Echoes of Eternity
Pathosray Mass Extinction
Shining Star Bilocate
Cockpit Deceiver
Ost Est Ima Father Befouled
Trivium Blood Haven
Godhead Medieval Steel
Bible Of The Devil Coffins
Ihsahn Eighteen Wheels Burning
Something Beautiful Mustasch
Crown The Lost Sister Sin
Earthen Grave