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Some say there is a fine line between heterosexuality and homosexuality. My name is Earnest Lee Sincere and I'm writing this exposé to let you know that the genre of music that you call Heavy Metal and its legion of fans crossed over that line into the kingdom of queer from the beginning and they're still coming over it faster than Oprah at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Why do have to be the one to tell you all this. Well, either I'm able to spot a homo a mile away because there are so many in my profession or it just comes naturally.

Let me preach on for a minute or two.

Homosexuality in music starts way back. Probably back to when one male cavemen thought another male Neanderthal looked cute in the moonlight light with his longhair and big Brontosaurus bone, but we're not gonna go back that far in time. We're gonna take a look at just before the birth of metal to the early influence of Rock-n-Roll and the greatest icon of the entire movement--Elvis Presley.

I can prove that Elvis was really a pillow biter from way back if you look at one of the greatest rock songs of all time--Jailhouse Rock.

On the surface, it sounds like he's just describing some wholesome, male-bondage, ummm, male-bonding in jail, but if you read the words correctly, you'll realize that the prison party Elvis was singing about was so decadent it would make Caligula blush and make a San Francisco bathhouse look like Chuck E. Cheese's. I'll strip away the delicate ambiguity of the song lyrics to show the true meaning of the double entendre "jailhouse rock". It's just like the phrases "hide the salami" and "tube snake boogie" where they try to fool casual listeners who don't have an ear for that sort of thing, but I do.

"The band was jumpin’ and the joint began to swing."
--This is how it all got started--from the relaxed inhibitions you get with a big, white, uncircumcised, phallic-shaped, Mary Jane joint. Those peter puffers knew what it took to get people to relax and let their guard down.

"Spider Murphy played the tenor saxophone,"
"Little Joe was blowin’ on the slide trombone."
--There wasn't any brass section in that jail like the band fags in high school; they were playing on each other's skin flutes, y'know, the ol' flesh horns.

"The drummer boy from Illinois went crash, boom, bang,"
"The whole rhythm section was the purple gang."
--He went 'crash, boom, bang' alright--right into his bunkmate's sphincter and it's no coincidence that they were called the 'purple gang'. Purple is the universal symbol of homosexuality. It probably matches the purple knobs they were all slobbering on.

"Number forty-seven said to number three:"
"you’re the cutest jailbird I ever did see."
"I sure would be delighted with your company,"
"Come on and do the jailhouse rock with me."
--This one speaks for itself. You couldn't get a more blatant set of lines if Richard Simmons wrote it himself.

"If you can’t find a partner use a wooden chair."
--Those cheap, wooden prison chairs probably had a knothole or two in them and you know what they look like.

There was so much convict clowning in that place that even the guy "Bugsy" wanted to "stick around a while and get my kicks" when he had the chance to run away with Shifty Henry. Bugsy was more interested in getting his buns hot buttered than freedom.

It didn't even stop with Elvis, folks. You all know the song "Great Balls Of Fire" and if you don't you can look it up yourselves very easily with any file sharing program.
But, I would advise against it lest you have some of it rub off on you. Take a quick look at the photo of the guy named Little Richard. He's another architect of the early days and is what you call a "flamer". It's all gay; anyway, whatever you call it.

Then came the Beatles--four guys all playing together, writing together, smoking hash together, doing each others hair, taking showers and comparing penis' together..."goo, goob, a-joo" and "come together, right now, over me". If you didn't see it then you've surely got egg on your face.

Heavy Metal finally came around with the dark Black Sabbath and the hedonistic Led Zeppelin. I can't even watch "The Song Remains the Same" anymore because of the prominence of Robert Plant's member in his super tight jeans. He wanted all those nancy boys in the predominately male audience to see what he was packing. You know the king of cock-rock wanted to give them every inch of his love.

"I see myself in 'The Sound Of Music' actually - you know, doing that twirling bit at the start that Julie Andrews used to do with the helicopter shot. That's me - The hills are alive with the sound of the Metal God!" --Rob Halford

Sabbath's early hits were "Paranoid" and "Iron Man". In the first one, Ozzy sang that he was "finished with my woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind"...of course she couldn't help him cause he's a manhole Mary in need of a solid, stiff 'iron man' to jostle his nads and call him Sparky. He's medicated cause he has to live with Sharon and those kids when he should really be living with Bruce Dickinson.

Two words for ya--Freddie Mercury. Although he was a superb singer and was great at the upright organ, he was also a poo pounder who looked like a Village People reject with those tighty whiteys and that mustache. He may have showered at the Y with the mens-folk, but he didn’t dine at the Y with the ladies.

One of the pioneers of Power Metal was the high-pitched vocalist for Judas Priest named Rob Halford. He's the leather-clad pillow biter who came out of the closet on MTV and proclaimed his gayness in front of the world. It was real easy for him to come out, I hear. Apparently, it just took a few tugs and a hard push on the inside.

Was there violence and upheaval in the entire metal community? Nope, cause deep down they all have pink, purple and rainbow hearts and like to tiptoe through the tulips. These are some of the songs that Judas Priest does:

"Turbo Lover"
"Loving After Midnight"
"Victim of HIV"
"Stained Ass"
"Unleashed From My Pants"
"You've Got A Knobby Thing Comin"
"Breaking the Sodomy Law"
"Hell Bent For A Rest Area"
"Screaming for Vaseline"

AC\DC is a slang term for somebody who goes both ways, so even though some hetero is implied it also involves some nuts across the chin if you know what I mean. I don't know which side of the slash is the straight side, so you'd be best to avoid them altogether.

David Lee used to run around in leather chaps with no pants on underneath. "Eruption" is a guitar-solo classic from Eddie Van Halen. There are no words, but I'll tell you what's doing the erupting--it's long, pink, shoots stuff out of a hole in the top and isn't a volcano. The guys in VH have been making poundcake from the start and I'm not surprised that Eddie got mouth cancer from his oral fixation on those dick substitutes, cigarettes. Don't fret for him that he always needed Misty Menthols dangling from his lips.

Aerosmith had a song called "The Other Side". Yep, it's the gay side he's singing about. I once saw Stephen Tyler turn around and spread his cheeks during a concert while he had on a pair of spandex with the bunghole area cutout. Angus Young and Tommy Lee both strip down and show their asses to the audience. It's all about easy access with these guys, folks.

"Dioning" defines the heterosexual apple of a gay man's eye and was coined in the 1860s by Karl Heinrich Ulrichs to describe the object of a homosexual man's attraction. I'm not surprised that the names "Dio" and "Ulrich" are in there. If those pint-sized parlor pals look your way at a show you might be next on the love list.

The 80's were some prime years for Heavy Metal. You had gay Glam, faggot Speed, queer Thrash, homo Death, pansy Black and all those rump rangers owned the airwaves and were bangin' their heads in each other's laps and putting their balls to the walls and always smiling big shit-eating grins like they were the queens of the French Embassy. Straight metal guys, if there was one, wouldn't smile cause they'd have nothing to smile about and the brighter the teeth the higher they go on the gay scale. Kip Winger is the biggest twinkle toes of them all.

How in the Hell did those passion fruits put on makeup and spandex and hairspray and jewelry and glitter and convince so many chicks to be in their videos? They must've hired Steven Spielburger to do their videos and had women put in there with special effects.

Who in name of Odin can watch those middle-aged, Norse throwbacks Manowar prance about in furry loincloths, swinging their battle swords and not be struck by the queerness of it? Fairies wear boots, indeed. So let it be written.

Axl Rose is an ass waxer who sang a song about a 'rocket queen'. I've got a newsflash for ya folks, Axl is the real rocket queen and he wants to fire his missile right up Uranus.

Helmet, Tool, Whitesnake, Cinderella...c'mon! It's all in the name, folks.

Death metal guys are always singing about cocks, but not just any cocks; they like brutal, bloody ones. I say that a cock lover is a cock lover no matter how they smoke it.

Argueably the biggest metal band in the world, Metallica, was a dark angry, thrash band 'till they came out of the closet with a CD named appropriately, "Load". With its cover of blood and cum, those colon queens stopped denying themselves and showed their true pastel colors in photos with makeup and feathered boas. They even fucked their fans again with "Re-Load". Now, I see why they drank so much. They used it to escape from the denial of their homoness.

Then Pantera came along with all their violent songs full of punching and kicking and scratching and bitch slapping. All that violence is just a substitute for what they really want to do--they want to pound out the fire in your ass with their dicks. Walk up to those guys with a banana in one hand and a peach in the other and ask them to choose one. They'll swallow the banana down before you can say astroglide. Scary isn't it.

Marilyn Manson...I don't even want to go there. He sends my Gaydar way off the charts.

I didn't forget about the dykes either; all the diesel lesbos that stumble into the scene with their ratty jeans and junky bracelets. They don't need to drop a hairpin to let me know that clam dip is always on the menu wherever they travel.

And the mascots, they're fags too. Eddie, Vic Rattlehead, Not Man, Rikki Ractman...yep, all homos.

Even the latest craze called Nu Metal doesn't stray too far from the pansy pasture. Limp Bizkit is just another name for impotence. Whether they can get it up or not, they still named themselves after a male member. Mushroomhead did it, also. That's what you call a dick with a big, fat head. That's just what I hear, not what I know from personal experience.

Let's try a quick quiz:

Who else could possibly be gay in metal that hasn't come out of the closet?

 Kirk Hammet  Dave Draiman  Mike Patton  Don Dokken  Stratovarius

Answer: All of them.

So, are the kids that listen to metal born gay or did they just become that way from being exposed to the toxins of the metal environment? I say they're all so ugly that no woman on the face of the Earth will make love to them much less even look at them, so they go gay by necessity.

Their concerts are houses of sin and gay lust like nothing on the planet. When they're not at home watching Neil and Bob's Great Escapade or the Director's Cut of Spartacus, they all pile in their Passats and Del Sols so they can press up against each other's buttocks real tight. You see them at shows in their Rock Hudson jeans with the built-in knee pads and the zipper in the back and they're making the universal signs of metal--a fist in the air and the "devil horn salute". Well, I know that the fist pumping is what the fans want to do to the band when they bend over, but I don't know about the salute. It must be some kind of hand rest for a guy's balls or something. You can't expect me to know all their little fairy secrets.

And what do you think "The Pit" is anyway? It's a giant, swirling bunghole of sausage stuffers vogueing at each other. They always serve the same food at heavy metal concerts, also--Blow Pops, Fruit Roll-ups, Banana's and Cream, Hot Pockets with extra meatballs and those Ball Park Franks that plump when ya cook 'em.

I'll say it one time if I never have to say it again: Heavy Metal is the most homosexual music on the planet.

So let it be written. So let it be gay.

--Earnest Lee Sincere

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