C O L U M N S
Some say there is a fine line between heterosexuality and homosexuality. My name is
Earnest Lee Sincere and I'm writing this exposé to let you know that the genre of music that you call Heavy Metal and its
legion of fans crossed over that line into the kingdom of queer from the beginning and
they're still coming over it faster than Oprah at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Why do have
to be the one to tell you all this. Well, either I'm able to spot a homo a mile away
because there are so many in my profession or it just comes naturally.
Sabbath's early hits were "Paranoid" and "Iron Man". In the first one, Ozzy sang that he was "finished with my woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind"...of course she couldn't help him cause he's a manhole Mary in need of a solid, stiff 'iron man' to jostle his nads and call him Sparky. He's medicated cause he has to live with Sharon and those kids when he should really be living with Bruce Dickinson.
Two words for ya--Freddie Mercury. Although he was a superb singer and was great at the upright organ, he was also a poo pounder who looked like a Village People reject with those tighty whiteys and that mustache. He may have showered at the Y with the mens-folk, but he didnt dine at the Y with the ladies.
One of the pioneers of Power Metal was the high-pitched vocalist for Judas Priest named Rob Halford. He's the leather-clad pillow biter who came out of the closet on MTV and proclaimed his gayness in front of the world. It was real easy for him to come out, I hear. Apparently, it just took a few tugs and a hard push on the inside.
Was there violence and upheaval in the entire metal community? Nope, cause deep down they all have pink, purple and rainbow hearts and like to tiptoe through the tulips. These are some of the songs that Judas Priest does:
"Loving After Midnight"
"Victim of HIV"
"Unleashed From My Pants"
"You've Got A Knobby Thing Comin"
"Breaking the Sodomy Law"
"Hell Bent For A Rest Area"
"Screaming for Vaseline"
AC\DC is a slang term for somebody who goes both ways, so even though some hetero is implied it also involves some nuts across the chin if you know what I mean. I don't know which side of the slash is the straight side, so you'd be best to avoid them altogether.
David Lee used to run around in leather chaps with no pants on underneath. "Eruption" is a guitar-solo classic from Eddie Van Halen. There are no words, but I'll tell you what's doing the erupting--it's long, pink, shoots stuff out of a hole in the top and isn't a volcano. The guys in VH have been making poundcake from the start and I'm not surprised that Eddie got mouth cancer from his oral fixation on those dick substitutes, cigarettes. Don't fret for him that he always needed Misty Menthols dangling from his lips.
Aerosmith had a song called "The Other Side". Yep, it's the gay side he's singing about. I once saw Stephen Tyler turn around and spread his cheeks during a concert while he had on a pair of spandex with the bunghole area cutout. Angus Young and Tommy Lee both strip down and show their asses to the audience. It's all about easy access with these guys, folks.
"Dioning" defines the heterosexual apple of a gay man's eye and was coined in the 1860s by Karl Heinrich Ulrichs to describe the object of a homosexual man's attraction. I'm not surprised that the names "Dio" and "Ulrich" are in there. If those pint-sized parlor pals look your way at a show you might be next on the love list.
The 80's were some prime years for Heavy Metal. You had gay Glam, faggot Speed, queer Thrash, homo Death, pansy Black and all those rump rangers owned the airwaves and were bangin' their heads in each other's laps and putting their balls to the walls and always smiling big shit-eating grins like they were the queens of the French Embassy. Straight metal guys, if there was one, wouldn't smile cause they'd have nothing to smile about and the brighter the teeth the higher they go on the gay scale. Kip Winger is the biggest twinkle toes of them all.
How in the Hell did those passion fruits put on makeup and spandex and hairspray and jewelry and glitter and convince so many chicks to be in their videos? They must've hired Steven Spielburger to do their videos and had women put in there with special effects.
Who in name of Odin can watch those middle-aged, Norse throwbacks Manowar prance about in furry loincloths, swinging their battle swords and not be struck by the queerness of it? Fairies wear boots, indeed. So let it be written.
Axl Rose is an ass waxer who sang a song about a 'rocket queen'. I've got a newsflash for ya folks, Axl is the real rocket queen and he wants to fire his missile right up Uranus.
Helmet, Tool, Whitesnake, Cinderella...c'mon! It's all in the name, folks.
Death metal guys are always singing about cocks, but not just any cocks; they like brutal, bloody ones. I say that a cock lover is a cock lover no matter how they smoke it.
Argueably the biggest metal band in the world, Metallica, was a dark angry, thrash band 'till they came out of the closet with a CD named appropriately, "Load". With its cover of blood and cum, those colon queens stopped denying themselves and showed their true pastel colors in photos with makeup and feathered boas. They even fucked their fans again with "Re-Load". Now, I see why they drank so much. They used it to escape from the denial of their homoness.
Then Pantera came along with all their violent songs full of punching and kicking and scratching and bitch slapping. All that violence is just a substitute for what they really want to do--they want to pound out the fire in your ass with their dicks. Walk up to those guys with a banana in one hand and a peach in the other and ask them to choose one. They'll swallow the banana down before you can say astroglide. Scary isn't it.
Marilyn Manson...I don't even want to go there. He sends my Gaydar way off the charts.
I didn't forget about the dykes either; all the diesel lesbos that stumble into the scene with their ratty jeans and junky bracelets. They don't need to drop a hairpin to let me know that clam dip is always on the menu wherever they travel.
And the mascots, they're fags too. Eddie, Vic Rattlehead, Not Man, Rikki Ractman...yep, all homos.
Even the latest craze called Nu Metal doesn't stray too far from the pansy pasture. Limp Bizkit is just another name for impotence. Whether they can get it up or not, they still named themselves after a male member. Mushroomhead did it, also. That's what you call a dick with a big, fat head. That's just what I hear, not what I know from personal experience.
Let's try a quick quiz:
Who else could possibly be gay in metal that hasn't come out of the closet?
Answer: All of them.
UGLY CONCERT KIDS
So, are the kids that listen to metal born gay or did they just become that way from being exposed to the toxins of the metal environment? I say they're all so ugly that no woman on the face of the Earth will make love to them much less even look at them, so they go gay by necessity.
Their concerts are houses of sin and gay lust like nothing on the planet. When they're not at home watching Neil and Bob's Great Escapade or the Director's Cut of Spartacus, they all pile in their Passats and Del Sols so they can press up against each other's buttocks real tight. You see them at shows in their Rock Hudson jeans with the built-in knee pads and the zipper in the back and they're making the universal signs of metal--a fist in the air and the "devil horn salute". Well, I know that the fist pumping is what the fans want to do to the band when they bend over, but I don't know about the salute. It must be some kind of hand rest for a guy's balls or something. You can't expect me to know all their little fairy secrets.
And what do you think "The Pit" is anyway? It's a giant, swirling bunghole of sausage stuffers vogueing at each other. They always serve the same food at heavy metal concerts, also--Blow Pops, Fruit Roll-ups, Banana's and Cream, Hot Pockets with extra meatballs and those Ball Park Franks that plump when ya cook 'em.
I'll say it one time if I never have to say it again: Heavy Metal is the most homosexual music on the planet.
So let it be written. So let it be gay.
--Earnest Lee Sincere
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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL