The opinions expressed herein are those solely of the author, and may not necessarily reflect those of the rest of the human race.

If anyone’s reading this that’s seen me on 411Mania or in BackStage Pass Magazine, welcome aboard. If you’ve no idea what I’m talking about, I guess it’s time for an introduction...

Traditionally, a first appearance should include an introduction to me, why I’m a metal fan, writing qualifications, assorted personal details and all that good crap. Reader’s Digest Condensed Version: “double M” Michael Melchor. Writer, BackStage Pass Magazine (www.backpassmag.com), 411Mania.com – and now for Maximum Metal! Male, Age 29, 5’ 11”, dark brown hair, hazel eyes, born, raised in, and live in Daytona Beach, FL. Been all about some metal since Anthrax’s “Persistence of Time” and never looked back.

I know that was brief, and all, but I’ve got business to attend to here. I promise there’s more, and (if you care) I’ll tell you more as we go along. Hopefully I’ll be around long enough to do that. Besides, you’re not here to hear about me, so let’s skip the dumb stuff and get down to it.

(I can just imagine the e-mails after that bit…”you suk. no one wants to kno about your stupid personel life. your a fag. MESHUGGAH!!!” Oughtta be more fun than a midget, a hammer, and a roulette wheel. But I digress…)


VAN HALEN
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Veteran manager Irving Azoff has signed on Van Halen to represent them. This seems like no one would give two squirts of warm pee – until it sets in that one of Azoff’s longtime clients includes Sammy Hagar. The rumor mill has already gone into overdrive about another Greatest Hits CD and a reunion tour.

Wait, haven’t I seen this movie already? Why another greatest hits set to appease another former singer? Maybe because Eddie thinks that Sammy is a little less obnoxious and egotistical than Diamond Dave? Or maybe because Hagar doesn’t look like a raisin shoved in the microwave and therefore provides a better visual on stage? Who knows?


STP
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Stone Temple Pilots are officially history. Brothers Robert and Dean DeLeo have made the announcement and clued us in on the obvious. Suspected causes include their lead singer’s frequent visitor’s pass to Betty Ford and becoming involved with the newest incarnation of Pistols and Petunias (Middleearthsea, I owe you one for that).


IRON MAIDEN
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A misconstrued report that Iron maiden will stop touring in five years was put to rest by Bruce Dickinson himself, who only meant to say that the constant touring will stop. Glad we got that cleared up.


KORN
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Korn’s newest album, “Take A Look In The Mirror”, has been leaked online. In response, the band will release the album early – specifically the Friday before the original release date. "From our end it was cool, but once it goes out to the plant ... When you make a million records, you have boxes of them lying around, and I'm sure someone just picked one up and took it," Davis said. "The hardcore people might buy the album anyway," he added, "but if people could get it for free, they'll get it. Why would they go out and buy it? They don't care about the artwork. I think kids who are downloading music are basically killing our industry."

Okay John, save the whining and crying for your dad and your ex-girlfriends. First of all, if someone “just picked one up and took it”, wouldn’t hiring better security be a good idea? Linkin Park did, and they sold pretty good. And it’s not like you don’t have the money to do it – unless that H.R. Giger mic stand put you back that much...

And just to clue you in, John-Boy, lousy records with one or two good songs sold at exhorbitant prices and a near-monopoly of greedoid executives are killing the industry, not your own fans.


WES
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Wes Borland has ground all of his projects – including Eat The Day and (sadly) The Damning Well to a screeching halt. Eat The Day has yet to find a worthy lead singer and The Damning Well (which also included A Perfect Circle's Josh Freese, Filter's Richard Patrick and Nine Inch Nails contributor Danny Lohner) have split after recording one track for the “Underworld” soundtrack due to creative differences. Borland will appear on the new Crystal Method CD, “Legion of Boom”, out January 2004 via V2 Records.

What else is Mr. Borland working on? Keep on reading...no really, this’ll be fun...


EVANESCENCE
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Evanescence guitarist Ben Moosy walked away from Evanescense on October 24 in mid-tour and has yet to speak to anyone else in the band, including lead singer/childhood friend with benefits Amy Lee. Apparently Lee and company are happier that way and have acquired the services of Cold guitarist Terry Balsamo to fill in on tour and possibly record on the next album. Among the collaborators Evanescense are hoping for on the next record are Wes Borland (See? There WAS a point to all this) and Lee's current boyfriend, Seether singer/guitarist Shaun Morgan.

That last little bit is the rumored reason behind the split of Ben Moody. Apparently seeing his girl slammin’ ham with someone from another band was enough to make him walk away from one of the few success stories of 2003 (For the sake of argument, we’ll ignore the fact that Lacuna Coil, Sinergy, and even The Gathering can run circles around these kids).

Son, it’s called professionalism. Or even greed. You don’t walk away from something like that over something this dumb. Let her bang whoever she wants – do you realize the success and reputation you’re gaining off of her voice? Your name should be Steve Miller – as in Take The Money And Run. Now the best you can hope for is a pathetic solo career that no one pays attention to other than to be constantly asked, “Didn’t you used to be in that band with that Amy Lee chick?” I’ll be sure to check next year’s Merriam Webster Dictionary to see if they put your picture beside the definition of the word stupid.

Okay, I’m done ranting, I promise. Where was I? Oh, yeah...


METALLICA
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James Hetfield admitted recently that sales of the ever-popular “St. Anger” album were a “bummer”. Ulrich weighed in with the sentiment that modern radio seems more interested in Nickelback than Metallica (despite the fact that, when it came out, I couldn’t avoid hearing “St. Anger” if I tried to) and called their latest album “a challenging record”. No, Lars, not “challenging” – just repetitive and not produced at all. Do I have to buy you a decent drum kit just so I don’t have to hear that Fischer Price set you used to record this?

By the numbers:

"Metallica" (1991) – 13 million
"…And Justice For All" (1988) - 8 million
"Master of Puppets" (1986) – 6 million
"Ride The Lightning" (1984) – 5 million
"S&M" (1999) – 5 million
"Load" (1996) – 5 million
"Reload" (1997) – 3 million
"Kill 'Em All" (1983) – 3 million
"St. Anger" (2003) – 2 million

Ouch.


Reasons to rejoice:
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--Slayer’s boxed set, “Soundtrack To The Apocalypse”. Now THAT’s truth in advertising.

--Fear Factory is back together and recording again. That was the worst year and a half of my life.

--The prospect of new records next year by the Revolting Cocks AND Lard (with an Anthrax-fortified lineup). Hallelujah!


And that’ll do it for me, kids. You’ll probably see more of me around these parts. Until then, bang your head – just not against a brick wall.

double M

11.19.03