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C O L U M N S
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The Necrofile
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Necrofile #7--this issue site has no sound, but you can trust nobody is laughing. A little different format this time
around. Hope you enjoy it, folks.
Contents
===============
--Random Thoughts - Ozzy, Metallica, Vince, Durst and More
--Column Question
--Closing
RANDOM THOUGHTS
-------------------------
Sharon Osbourne defended husband Ozzy for mangling "Take Me Out to the Ball
Game" Aug. 17 at Wrigley Field, telling Barbara Walters on ABC's "20/20"
last week that the former BLACK SABBATH singer simply didn't know the words.
Ozzy barely knows the words to his own songs now-a-days. Really, Sharon, there's no need
to defend the guy cause it's what we've come to expect. Ozzy is as shakey as Manute Bol on
rollerblades and the only thing he forgot to do during the song was curse.
Billboard reports that METALLICA took in $46.4 million and drew 683,472 headbangers to 19
dates on their Summer Sanitarium 2003 tour.
More Stats for the tour:
--683,471 kids who didn't want to hear St. Anger songs.
--450,000 who wished Metallica was touring alone.
--192 "Durst Sucks" banners.
--0 beer bottles drank by James Hetfield.
--749 beer bottles thrown at Fred.
--6 band psychiatrists to sort out band issues.
--15,100 average words per hour spoke by Lars.
--12,121 guys who dropped $150 bones to take a chick who digs Linkin Park and never got
laid for it.
Metallica's official web site, www.metallica.com, has confirmed that the band will play
New Year's Eve (December 31) in Las Vegas at the intimate setting of The Joint.
I bet The Joint will be really smokin that night (wink, wink...nudge, nudge).
Former VAN HALEN frontman Dave Lee Roth has postponed all his remaining concerts
indefinitely. "It's due to medical reasons," Colyn Bohan, assistant to the vice
president of Fantasma Productions, would not discuss what is ailing the former VAN HALEN
singer other than noting that "he's not seriously ill."
It's probably due to "has-beenitis", a disease that strikes 80's metal
vocalists. Vince Neil and Jani Lane are also suffering from it.
Apperantly, Vince got into a scuffle with the Poison crew over who gets to fuck certain
groupies. If you have to fight over clueless bimbos and big-haired, mid-west fatties then
it might be time to call the tour a day. You can read about all their adventures in the
next free clinic report.
QUIET RIOT have officially split up, drummer Frankie Banali has confirmed.
I hate to see them go. Lately, they were on a real upswing and worked themselves up from
having nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
LIMP BIZKIT singer Fred Durst has been sued by the St. Paul-based security company that
employed a guard who Durst allegedly kicked in the head during a 1999 concert here,
according to the Associated Press.
The security guard said he kicked Fred between the legs, and "it felt like I was
kicking a pillow!"
KORN have set a November 18 release date through Epic Records for their sixth album,
"Take a Look in the Mirror".
Jonathan Davis should have named it: "When I Look in the Mirror, the Reflection
Ducks."
The owner of a theater where the band HELL ON EARTH said it would stage a live suicide
during a concert next month said Wednesday he isn't allowing the show to take place,
according to the Associated Press.
They should've just shut their mouths, let it happen then got all the press. Now, the whole band
should do it for such stupidity. Florida passed an emergency law to prevent people paying money to see a suicide, so
they should have the show for free and sell t-shirts that say "Hell on Earth—Music to Kill Yourself By!"
Rolling Stone got tongues flapping lately about their "Top 100 Guitarists of All
Time" list. Eddie Van Halen was way down around 70 and Kurt Cobain was at 12. Jack
White of the White Stripes was at 17. VH1 has a "Top Album Covers" list and it
sucks just as bad. I've figured these grass fuckers out. Lists are pretty cool so they
combine them with a little critical nutswinging, some advertising and throw in a few
answers to look respectable. They think that as long as you're happy with #1, you'll
accept the rest of the junk. Watch this, I'll make up my own:
"Top Metal Bands of All Time" by Rolling Stone or VH1 (take your pick cause we
both suck)
1. Black Sabbath
2. Nirvana
3. Rush
4. KISS
5. Metallica
6. King's X
7. Soundgarden
8. Deftones
9. Aerosmith
10. Motorhead
50. Judas Priest
70. Van Halen
100. AC/DC
See, I could work at RS or VH1 and get some real pay instead of the peanuts they give me here.
Wes Borland recently commented on the illegal music downloading issue via a posting on the
EAT THE DAY web site. He wrote, "The record industry is a mess because of it...there
is, as you are well aware, an entire sub-culture of thieves, who never pay for anything
anymore. It's these peoples fault that bands are sounding the same, and that MTV only
plays top 40, along with lame TV shows.
Have you been swingin from the Stupid Tree, lately, Wes!? Bands have sounded the same since Hendrix and Lennon
kicked it and when the fuck does MTv play music? Wes also said that Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday and
Wu-Tang is an orange flavored drink.
And from the "try a dose of your own medicene" file, Sharman Networks, the
company behind the Kazaa file-sharing software, filed a federal lawsuit on Monday accusing
the entertainment companies, who earlier this month sued 261 music fans, of using
unauthorized versions of its software in their efforts to snoop out users. They said that
the record industy used unathorized versions of Kazaa-Lite and offered bogus versions of
copyright works and sent online messages to users thus breaking the service agreement and
violating Shaman's copyrights.
It reminds me of the scene in "People vs Larry Flint" where he was being sued by
Jerry Fallwell for a Hustler parody ad and Larry turned around and sued him back for using
his ad to solicit money. Awesome movie; rent it tonight!
How it must really suck to run a giant oligarcy like the music industry. All those
musicians wanting fair contracts and compensation for their works...having to deal with
listeners that won't buy the latest neutered drek you put out...being charged hundreds of
millions of dollars for price fixing...sueing 12yr olds...
"As ye doth sin, so shall ye be sinned upon."
COLUMN QUESTION
----------------------
Do you prefer big stadium tours or smaller venues?
Send your suggestions to me here at Maximum Metal or open up some
discussion about my question or anything else in the Rawface forum.
CLOSING
-------------
I through around the insults quite a bit in this column and future issues may be much worse. Don't take it
personally, rockers, because if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have this hobby in the first place.
Though we may jest, it is with honey rather than poison.
--SlimBoyJr
09.30.2003
SITE PICK: For the comic
book fanboys.
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