The Necrofile - Issue 35
by Rod T.

Every woman's fantasy, Rod "You Wish You Were Me" T. is in the house, chomping at the bit to deliver another fantastic Necrofile issue on your TV tray belly. Let's roll with it baby, our new issue as 2007's red carpet unrolls. It has been a so-so year for metal, mostly a bunch of noise that isn't fit for the Rodster house. I hope all of our Maximum Metal readers have survived the stagnant metal scene, alive and well for my recap of the past year. Let's dish out the goods one more time around sucka!

First up, let me throw a little "who's been naughty or nice" last year on ya. I have had just about enough of this XM bullshit. That's right, Rod T. has had it!! This morning was just too much for me. I had to get last night's lover out of the sack and out the door. Then I hit my wallet up for $2.49 a gallon at the pumps. On my way to work, I forgot my daily CD rotation and was left high and dry with nothin' on but the radio. XM has been in my car for two years now and let me say Hallelujah for CDs brother! The next wave of radio has failed big time in my opinion. Either I can listen to Sportscenter, CNN Headline News, or some lame ass documentary about the "Silver Spoons" cast. Give me an f'n break. If that isn't enough I turn the channel to the two METAL stations and hear enough horseshit to swallow My Friend Flicka. My choices are a Pretty Boy Floyd cut about aquanet OR a cover of "Cemetary Gates" by Between The Buried And Me. OH MY GAWD! This Boneyard Channel is absolutely horrid, playing NUTHIN' but 80s glam and retread hair hits. Don't get me wrong, I love the 80s and have TIVO episodes of VH1's "I Love The 80s" to prove it. However I can't get into the weak glam acts like Pretty Boy Floyd, Trickster, Poison, etc. If that isn't enough to kill the cat I can hear Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me" every hour along with the back catalogue of hits from Guns 'N Roses. How 'bout this? Take off the 80s blinders and discover new hard rock bands that people can possibly get into? Along with every hour's dose of Priest's "Red Hot" throw on some Motorjesus, Edguy, Trixie, Revolver, The Order, Hardcore Superstar, Danko Jones, or one of the other 500 quality NEW bands that are coming up. Why rely on rehashed bullshit? The other channel, 42, just plays your normal garage band deathcorenewwaveofamericanshit. I heard Sworn Enemy on there this morning and I swear to you every riff I've heard from Slayer with a vocalist that sounds like Oscar The Grouch getting an enema. Yucko!

Next, heavy jeers to little powerhouse U.D.O. My God, just let it rest for this year! Let's face it, the man hasn't put out a really good album since 1999's "Holy". Before that we would have to go back to his Accept days circa "Russian Roulette". Since '99 the band has put out "Live In Russia" (consisting of Accept and U.D.O tunes), "Man And Machine", "Thunderball", "Mission No. X", and now they really put their balls to the wall with ANOTHER unnecessary release due in May of 2007. Every song sounds the same, every Accept riff has been copied, cloned, and cycled three times through. In the words of Blitz......don't say its raining while you piss in my ear. Another new album, no matter how fancy the packaging and label, is just another turd. U.D.O...love ya man...but just let it rest for a couple of years. Go grab some Russian hookers and head for the mountains. And for God's sake tell your brother to throw away every copy of that new Vanize record. Yikes!

I hate when bands put out new albums every season.

In other news Germany's Destruction is set to release their 11th record to date and their 1...2...3...4th record...no wait...5th record this decade.

In other news Germany's Grave Digger is set to release their 13th record to date and their 1...2...3rd record...no wait....5th record this decade.

In other news Germany's Paragon is set to release their new album, their fifth record of this decade.

Recently Guns 'N Roses only member Axl Rose issued an open letter to the fans in regards to the delay of the new album "Chinese Democracy". He said, "In regard to a release date for the album itself certain minor, and by that I do mean minor things, and or additions as well as contract negotiations need to be completed and barring any unforeseen complications these things have now been adequately scheduled. Both the band and I along with our record company feel that this record deserves the proper setup and promotion not the '13 Tuesdays left' and 'it may just appear in your record store' approach offered by management". WHO IN THE HELL DOESN'T ALREADY HAVE THIS RECORD!!!?!!!!?!!!!?!!!! I remember dropping dollars in Wantin Cumya's wonderbra at The Skinny Lick pub back in 2002 and hearing this album on the PR system. My GAWD Axl!!! This morning the BP where I pump gas at was playing the first track from the album. Everyone from Mike Piazza and the New York Mets to Aunt Juanita down at the diner has heard this record. What kind of proper setup and promotion do you need to deliver an album that has been heard upteen times already? Why don't you go ask Paul Dianno for some advice. That man has re-issued "Nomad" a half a dozen times already, each with a new cover and an altered track listing. Maybe he can tell you how to sell recycled crap in a fancy new box.

On a positve note, I urge everyone to go and download the new Stuck Mojo record "Southern Born Killers". The album is absolutely free and the download is encouraged by founding member Rich Ward. I ask you to hit this link, www.stuckmojomedia.com, read the article, and download the music. If you like it, buy it.

Alright boys and girls, I am outta here for now! Look for the Necrofile to continue in '07. Also, look for a few columns out of me on our sister site, www.maximumhorrors.com. JMB and EC have asked me to chime in over there about all of those camp killer nudie flicks.

Cheers...and keep your big noodle clean bubba!