The Necrofile - Issue 31
by Rod Throwen

Yo, Yo, Yo, I AM IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!!! Baby, baby, please stick around. It is getting hot tonight! Another Necrofile comin' at ya live from the house of Rod Throwen. What is up out there with the metal fanatics and leather clad babes? Are we skimpin' around the house digging the soulful sounds of David Coverdale OR are we blasting away with the hypnotic drum drones of GORE GRIND! Natalie Portman has yet to return my calls. I invited her to a pre-listening party for the new Cannibabl Corpse record "Kill". I guess she just isn't feeling it, but one second with me and she'll be FEELIN' it alright. I love you Natalie! Okay, this issue we will tackle odds and ends that have been weighing heavily on my mind of late. Let's do the dishes and chat away.....

First up is the return of GUNS 'N ROSES. Yeah, the reunion mill has been turning tricks faster than my last girlfriend. Rose is playing here, Rose is playing there. Velvet Revolver is breaking up. Nadanadanada. Guess what? WHO THE F$#& CARES! This is a band that has managed to put out three full length albums in SIXTEEN YEARS! Oh wait, they did a cover tunes record and an EP. BIG F'N DEAL! Suck it up friends and face the damn music. This band sucks! Yeah, they suck! Sure, they have had a few nasty cuts and a few big single winners with the DJs but who cares now! They are dead, buried, and I dumped a bottle of Magnum on their graves five years ago. Let's move on before I get a serious hard on to take this to the next level. If you want hard rock and you want the goods NOW, go buy ya some damn Hardcore Superstar or Loud 'N Nasty or Crystal Pistol or Pretty Maids or Tesla or Crash Diet and listen to a real damn rock band who doesn't care about money or fancy reunion gigs. GNR, go empty your piss bags with the rest of the old farts in Metallica or Judas Priest. Be sure to tell security in England this summer that Rod T. sent your bumblin' stumblin' ass out of the country. Take that SUCKA!

Moving right along to LACUNA COIL. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know I'm okay with the babe action of late. Nothing really moving me down below since Juliya at the Metal Asylum got canned by Fuse TV. Natalie still isn't returning my calls or letters so I thought about jumping on the LACUNA COIL wagon at Best Buy. Picked up a copy of this new record.....you know the one with the mannequin and the removable face piece. WHAT KIND OF SILLY ELTON JOHN ALBUM COVER IS THAT!?!?! Give me a damn break! This is supposed to be HEAVY metal! Instead we are getting Plastic Molding and Finger Painting 101. Let me just speak on this for a sec. What I'm hearing on this record is a wash machine on spin cycle drowning out an angel. Dudes, dish the silly guitar riffs. That stuff is just silly. I mean really, can we even call these guitar riffs? It honestly sounds like someone turned a wash machine on and this is the end result. The guitars are just horrid! Really, just absolutely horrid! Terrible stuff on par with the likes of Sevendust and POD. Love this chick's voice although it would sound better about waist level and not so much singing but more groaning and slurping.....but beyond that the chick sounds great.

Good news on the XM radio front! It looks like those ugly suits & ties at XM have decided to bring the metal back to the airwaves. After two years of listening to aquanet B-grade glam bands on The Boneyard, XM has finally brought Liquid Metal back to the network. When XM first launched a few years ago they had The Boneyard and Liquid Metal as their two metal stations. The Boneyard played pussy rock like Extreme, Cinderella, Poison, and other white trash acts caught in the late '80s. On the other channel, Liquid Metal, the network played Death, Morbid Angel, Slayer, Pantera, Megadeth, Testament, and newer extreme acts like In Flames, Callenish Circle, and Trivium. The network pulled Liquid Metal off it's airwaves shortly after their launch and since then has really had no outlet for aggressive metal. NOW this month the network re-launched Liquid Metal, pleasing those Norway corpse mongers and live undeads. XM offers an outlet to "Unskinny Bop" with the sounds of toolshed dissections and backwoods cannibalism. That is Rod T's kinda barbecue baby! Death to false metal! FOREVA!

Now for my favorite part of this issue.....the mailbag......

Joey V (maybe this is Joey Vera?) wants to know if Velvet Revolver is breaking up? DUDE, as I have expressed in my above paragraph NOBODY gives a RAT'S ASS if Velvet Revolver is breaking up!!! Joey F'n V, go wipe your ass with Velvet Revolver. Nobody cares man!! Nobody!! I hate Velvet Revolver, I hate Guns 'N Roses, and now jackass, I hate you too!! I don't want anymore damn emails about GNR, Velvet Revolver, or any other side project bar boogie white trash bands that any of the above members are associated with. I'm turning this bottle of Magnum upside down (yeah, I like Magnum!) and pouring it down my guzzle. Then I'm going to empty said beverage on the grave of GNR and all over your doorstep Mr. V. Whatcha gonna do sucka?!? Joey F'n V! Don't email me again.

Next up is Becky from Spokane (as if I care where she is from) who wants to know if Iron Fire are still around. Well, Becky, you have really good taste in music but I have no idea why you sent me the picture. Rod T. only dates pretty girls. Sorry honey, when it comes to twinkies and moonpies you need to follow the words of Kenny Rogers. You just need to know when to hold 'em. But beyond your obvious physical faults and complete disregard for personal grooming I will answer your question. Iron Fire are back in action believe it or not! They have a new album out this month on some label called "Revenge". It is their third album to date and I have had the pleasure of getting a promo and I must say it is fantastic baby! Also keep in mind that Iron Fire's singer also sings for Force Of Evil, who released a killer horror themed album last year called "Black Empire". Now I'll send you a few samples of this new Iron Fire if you promise me that you will cover up and never go out in public during the daylight hours. Cottage cheese thighs just ain't my thing big girl but I've forwarded your pic over to our webmaster Nailer. He is single, skinny, and loves Saturday morning romps with the Fatty Pattys.

Okay, that is all for now. Rod T. doing his thing all over your screen. I hope you enjoyed this issue and I'll be back really soon to give you another heapin' helping of metal news to chew on. In the meantime if you can't find yourself a honey tonight.....a warm stack of soft sheets right out of a hot dryer is just as good as a sheep.

Take care and I'll be back at ya!