The Necrofile - Issue 30
by Rod Throwen

It's me, it's me, it's Rod T. Rollin' Rollin' Rollin' at you live baby. I'm on board to give you another heaping helping of heavy metal hollerin'. Spring is in the air, the buds are in bloom, and I am riding bareback on a stallion of love baby! So what is happening with all of you headbangin' MILFs out there? I want pictures! I need images! All of the spandex clad, leatherbound nuns send your pics out to Mister Necro. In the meantime, I'll be here banging away with fingers flying to bring you every drop of goodness I have. I present to you another hotshot issue of DA NECROFILE!

Okay first off is the subject of Natalie Portman. Yeah, that little hot sack of love is just BEGGIN' me to show her a good time. Check this ya'll....this little slicked up babydoll was on the Jon Stewart show the other night. Let me say I dig the short hair! DIGGIN' IT Natalie! She was talking about some comic book movie she is in or something...I don't know...I wasn't paying much attention to her mouth. But then they got on the subject of Death Metal! Yep, DEATH METAL! It turns out this hot little firecracker loves DEATH METAL. She loves the growling, aggressive, bangin' sounds of the gr-gr-grind! Let me just say this, this little chick DOES NOT look like a headbanger, but it just goes to show you that the most unsuspecting pepes out there are down with a little graveyard rock. Your hot tramp boss or Catholic school marm is just BEGGING you to turn up the wattage a little more. Gone are the days of Winger and 'Halen. These fancy go getters are into the caskets and gore! They want pounding double bass and wretched vocals. Natalie Portman is the answer to our prayers. She proves without a shadow of a doubt that hot babes dig the grindcore! They want you to pound them over an open grave and howl at the moon! They want you to bring them to their knees with the earthquake sounds of DEATH! Natalie, put away your photon blaster...I've got a lance in my pants, a catalogue of Cannibal Corpse, and a key to the cemetary. Let's get our groove on baby...

Somebody PLEASE tell me what is up with Joey DeMaio. The Manowar bassist has absolutely SNAPPED. Get this okay, I'm down with the metal. I'm a PARANOID RIPPER ON A SILVER MOUNTAIN with an ELECTRIC EYE riding a SOLID BALL OF ROCK. I'm down with the metal. This DeMaio fool has taken it to a level even Manowar themselves have never gone to before. Here is the interview between a Rock Hard journalist and Mr. Macho. Read on....

Götz: After the Earthshaker Festival we received a lot of mail from fans saying they don't believe a word you guys say anymore. The thing with the orchestra...

Joey. "What about the orchestra? I don't understand."

Götz: The fans feel betrayed.

Joey: "Really? That's the biggest production we've ever done!"

Götz: With a playback orchestra. Everybody knows it.

Joey: "Really? I brought in 200 musicians from the Czech Republic for a playback show? Are people really dumb enough to believe that?"

Götz: That's what people believe.

Joey: 'Then I'm sorry, I find that silly. Ask my mother: I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but I'm not so stupid as to bring in 200 orchestra musicians from another country to sit on their asses and pretend to play. That's ridiculous."

Götz: There are technicians that worked at the Earthshaker Festival that say it was all fake.

Joey: "I don't care what people say. The important thing is that the orchestra played. That's the truth. It makes no difference if people believe something else."

Götz: It's silly when you do a ten minute drum soundcheck in the middle of your set, like at the Earthshaker.

Joey: "I know, but when our fans pay good money..."

Götz: ...to hear songs, not a soundcheck!

Joey: "...and I can't hear what I'm playing on stage and give the fans the best possible performance, I owe it to them to fix the problem. I'm a professional."

Götz: But the sound wasn't any better afterwards! You wasted valuable time.

Joey: "No, I didn't. I did my best to solve the problem. Okay?"

Götz: I believe you wanted to show that you had absolute control over everything.

Joey: "No, I wanted to show the fans that they're more important to me than my own life. And if I have to do a soundcheck to prove it, that's what I'll do. I don't play with instruments that are out of tune, I don't play with bad equipment and I don't play with bad sound. I did soundcheck on stage for two hours just so we could play one song perfectly. If people don't like it that's not my fucking problem."

"I believe in the fans, I believe in metal more than anybody you've ever met. And you've known me a long time. I've never pissed on you even though you constantly do it to me. And I don't stab the fan in the back. And another thing, Götz: I'm prepared to die for metal. Are you?"

Götz: Well...

Joey: "Are you prepared to die for metal? Have you ever thought about that? Are you prepared to die for metal?"

Götz: No. I prefer living.

Joey: "But I'm ready! I'm ready to die!"

Götz: Great.

Joey: "Do you want me to prove it?"

Götz: And how would you do that?

Joey: "Do you want to come on stage in Dortmund and shoot me?"

Götz: I wouldn't go that far.

Joey: "Why not?"

Götz: Because I'd prefer it if you'd just play good music.

Joey. "I make good music. I write the best music that I can write and I play the best music I can play. Okay?"

Götz: Okay.

Joey: "I'm preprared to die, remember that. And when you're ready let me know. Write that! Write that I'm ready to die for metal and you're not!"

Okay, end of interview. Do I really need to do a Rod T. thing here and completely wack this guy? I honestly feel that his words enough are to prove that this MOFO is completely wacked out of his denim and leather brain!! I'M NOT PREPARED TO DIE FOR METAL AND NEITHER IS HE. This dude is all talk brothers and sisters. ALL TALK. He can ride the dragon and fight sword to sword with imaginary and mythical creatures all day. Joey is scared of Rod T. I'm calling you out JOEY! I'm calling you out brother of METAL! Joey vs Rod T. at Wrestlemania. I'll hit you with a drop toe hold, a smash mouth forearm, and the big Dusty Rhodes rolling Elbow smash! Finish you up with the big legdrop. What are ya gonna do Joey when ROD T runs all over you, BROTHA!?! If you want to see this match hit me up with emails. Hit Vincent McMahon II up with hordes of emails! Let's get this match booked for....WRESTLEMANIA!

It looks like Wheatfield's Retirement Community will be putting on a special celebration this Monday afternoon. They have rescheduled their afternoon finger painting course to gather around the upstairs hallway where Rob Halford and the rest of Judas Priest will begin pooling ideas together to create the follow-up to "Angel Of Regurgitation". Nursing attendants on duty have told Maximum Metal that indeed the men will be allowed to excuse themselves from the finger painting activities long enough to write the new record. While Tipton and Hill continue their creative craft courses, they will be available for the writing process. Journalists and publicists worldwide will be partaking in the event outside of Halford's upstairs room. The event will be within easy walker distance from Halford's bedside pan. The pooling of ideas will probably stem from the golden shower puddles around Halford's skinny little ankles. Rod T is going on record right here and now and telling the world that IF the new Judas Priest record has even ONE track on it that does not induce vomiting then yours truly will retire from metal publications and go back to lying down at Horgh's House Of Pleasure.

Now for a few side notes:

The new Amorphis record "Eclipse" kicks total ass.

The new Worm Womb slays everything!

The new In Flames isn't doing much for me. Kinda boring.

The new Sepultura record kicks total ass.

The new Venom record kicks total ass.

The debut Beyond Fear album kicks total ass.

The entire The Quill discography kicks total ass. EC was right.

The new Edguy is lame.

And now for a few other trinkets of wisdom:

Support TNA Wrestling! After Rod T. pins Manowar's bassist at Wrestlemania, turn the channel and start watching TNA Wrestling. Saturday nights on Spike TV! 11:00PM EST. If we don't support them we will be stuck watching Shawn Michaels throw his urine around FOREVER!

Rod T. endorses Ocean Spray 100% pure Grape/Cranberry juice. This stuff tastes great and has NO added sugar. One glass is the same as eating one helping of fruit.

Silk Soy milk is healthy and cost efficient. I use it to keep my heart and lungs in perfect "stroking" order.

I recommend jogging or walking at least one mile a day.

I encourage a healthy supply of "flixxx" in the home to keep everything downstairs functioning properly when the big at bat takes place.

Okay, that is all for now my fine friends! I am out of steam and there is a fake Natalie Portman still shot that I need to get to right away. I leave you with one question....How can a band like Coheed & Cambria get a damn record deal. Easily the worst band in existence today.

Peace and beers!

RT