Necrofile #3 By Rod Throwen

Contents
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Collapse Of Metal Gods
Headbangers Ball: The Wait Is Over
Arch Enemy Doing The Nasty!
Metallica: Icons Or Idiots?
Kiss/Aerosmith Tour
Rod's Moment

COLLAPSE OF METAL GODS
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Well it seems that the biggest metal tour to hit the US in years has become a complete disaster. The Metal Gods 2003 tour, featuring metal acts Halford, Testament, Primal Fear, Immortal, Pain Museum, Carnal Forge, and Amon Amarth has been canceled due to....well....actually....nobody really knows. This huge North American tour had the promise and glimmer of a European festival, with bright lights, big cities, and enough heavy metal talent to shake down the very fabric of mainstream commercialism. While the Summer Sanitarium tour, Metallica with a host of nu-metal acts, would please every American teeny bopper, Metal Gods was on target to please the American underground. You know, those smelly long haired 40 year olds with bad breath, a mortgage, and a gut that would rival Aunt Lulu in her prime.

But lets face the music here folks, what kind of screwed up touring package is this? Lets break this one down. You have a band like Immortal, which is sure to bring in every God hating black metaler known to man, with Carnal Forge and Amon Amarth drawing the same sort of crowd. What kind of idiot thinks that those people are going to stick around and watch a German power metal band scream out cheesy 80s lyrics? If that’s not bad enough, those people THEN turn around and watch a bald headed queer scream his nut sack off?? Here's a hint....Homosexuality and BLACK METAL doesn't match. Remember the Dissection shooting spree? Come on, for the love of all that is sacred, how could they possibly think this would work? They would have better luck putting Emperor on tour with Stryper. That’s a show I'd like to see!

Primal Fear has stated for the record they have no problems with Halford or Immortal, they only have problems with those filthy American warmongers who can't organize a proper tour.

So far the list of reasons the tour has been canceled goes something like this: Number of tour buses, Universal Attractions Management, Contractual disputes with the venues, Halford headlining every show, Immortal's visa problems, and the overall idea that the bands weren't making enough money to cover expenses.

Here's an idea for everyone to think about. When deciding to do a big tour like this, you may want to work out those small details BEFORE you play the first 3 shows!! My God, did they have Willie Nelson handling the finances on this one?

After the demise of Metal Gods, Testament and Halford have hooked up and are now going to hit the same venues on the same dates and deliver the goods.

Hey Chuck, when Halford takes you to the back of the bus to show you his "Twinky"....RUN!!


HEADBANGERS BALL RELAUNCHES!!
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Well after all of those online petitions (you know you emailed one!) to get Headbangers Ball back on the air, MTV2 has finally obliged. After long years of waiting, all the headbangers in the world can unite and watch all of the great videos from bands like Overkill, Anthrax, Judas Priest, Dio, and....wait....wait....oh here's the video list right here....cool we get Metallica's One and....HOLY SHIT....we get the same videos that we have been petitioning not to see on MTV! Yeah, we get all the great ones from Disturbed, Stone Sour, Godsmack, Hatebreed, Hed Pe, and Powerman 5000.

Wow, you would think since MTV2 has listened to the online "Bring Back The Ball" chants, they would have at least wised up on what the metal fans really want to see. And how about this for a change...since you have Metallica as the host, and they are putting out a new album next month, and hell, since they have FILMED A NEW VIDEO for the debut single, how about SHOWING THE F'N VIDEO?!?!

Next week's host will be Godsmack, where they will discuss the making of a Godsmack video. There are no plans at this time to show any Godsmack vidoes on the show however.


ARCH ENEMY DOING THE NASTY!
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On April 22nd, Mike Amott of Arch Enemy publicly stated that he and fellow bandmate Angela Gossow are romantically involved. What a huge shocker this one is! Who in the hell thought differently?

What else could possibly happen if you have a long legged Swedish hottie in your band? She's on stage with you, she's eating with you, she's sharing a cot on a tour bus with you. I mean its only a matter of time before you "accidentally" slide "Big Petey" out of your trousers.

Right now the band are in the studio writing for the new Arch Enemy record. Early promo pics show the band in full stage getup.....complete with Gossow using Amott's penis as a microphone.


METALLICA: ICONS OR IDIOTS
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Right after finishing up the first live show in support of St. Anger (which was at San Quentin prison of all things), Metallica went to the TV taping for Metallica:Icon, a new music show for MTV. To show how Metallica has influenced todays music, trendy bands like Limp Biskit, Avril Lavigne, and even Snoop Doggy Dog were invited to pay homage to their heavy metal heroes.

Avril Lavigne paid her tribute to the band by playing a song that she listened to as a small child, "Fuel". The song can be found on Metallica's ReLoad album from 1997.

Snoop Dog sang one verse of "Sad But True" before getting booted off the stage for missing the words.

Limp Biskit did a stirring rendition of "Welcome Home Sanitarium", but for some reason forgot to play the solo part.

Korn played their warped version of "One", and somehow forgot the solos to that song as well.

Metallica were interviewed several times during the talent show. Unfortunately everything they said during the 60 minute segment was done through hand signals to Lars Ulrich, who then relayed the info to the camera by drawing words into a giant pile of cocaine.


KISS/AEROSMITH TOUR
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The merchandise machine knows as Kiss has returned once again. The "Farewell Tour" looks to continue for a fourth year, this time aligning itself with hard rockers Aerosmith in a tour that promises mammoth volume and mammoth ticket sales.

Already ticket prices are rolling in, and for some lucky ticket buyers the show experience will go far beyond their wildest dreams. Aerosmith have unveiled the "Platinum Ticket Packages", which are sold exclusively to members of "Aero Force One", the band's long running fan club. Apparently those fortunate Aerosmith fans who have paid the enrollment fees and service fees to join "Aero Force One" and support their favorite band are offered Platinum Ticket prices, some at an affordable price of $595 each.

This special "ticket" pass will allow fans to go backstage and enjoy all the hoopla of a hard rock concert with Aerosmith and KISS. Fans will partake in backstage antics and feel what it is truly like to be on the road with rockstars.

These fans will be able to attend the show an hour early and watch the bands get wheeled from the tour bus to the makeup room. Some fans will even be able to stand near the restroom and watch rock icons like Steven Tyler and Gene Simmons struggle with their bowel movements.

Hard rock legends Aerosmith are releasing a blues album next month and legendary rockers KISS will unleash their new symphony disc later this year, bringing this new tour to epic heights. Wow, its great to see rock bands do blues and classical music! The fans are definitely going to rush out for those.


ROD'S MOMENT
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I have a contest this time! I challenge everyone out there to go buy a copy of the new Soilwork CD "Figure Number Five". I will give away a special treat to anyone out there that can get that CD out of its "special packaging" in less than 5 minutes. That thing is wedged in there tighter than a cucumber in a nun's snatch. I've watched two people struggle to open that puppy while I just laid on the bathroom floor and knawed at it with my teeth.


RANDOM THOUGHTS
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Its sad to see my local record store sell one copy of the new Anthrax CD in a week's time. What the hell!?!


That’s all for now folks! This is Rod Throwen cumminatcha live! See ya suckers...