Heavy metal headbangers, it's me...it's me...it's Rod T. Now I know for a fact that you've all had your panties in a wad, basically just creeping around your pad with your mouse in a tight, frantic grip. Well folks, I'm here to ease the pressure a bit, just to sort of let if flow for another issue of metal funsies! Yep, today is officially metal funsie day, because you, the most adoring of metal groupies have stumbled upon the writings of THE Mr. T. Ain't no jive here folks, just downright serious metal chatter that freezes the masses with wit, social flavor, and elegant grace. So let's fry up the bacon...

So far we've had a rather quiet year of metal craziness, nothing really stirring up too many cobwebs or dust. Megadeth's Dave Mustaine has went on a tear, creating his own metal fest after being shot down by promoters everywhere. In all honesty I don't see why Megadeth isn't on one of these larger bills, the Ozzfests, the Euro fests, the sodomania fests....uhmm....I would imagine that Dave either just doesn't understand how to go about playing those shows, OR he simply just wants too much damn cash. I would bet my proceeds on CASH, cold hard cash, because really, that is METAL! If I'm a musician and can't get at least a grand or so to play a fifteen minute set, well damn boys, I'm at home with my pants around my ankles, splashing it while Vanna White turns those letters with sexual ease. So Dave does the metal thing, going out and organizing his own tour and his own venue, the DAVE FEST otherwise known as....duh....duh....doh-dah....GIGANTOUR. In the red corner...Godzilla...in the blue corner GIGANTOUR! It really sounds fantastic doesn't it?

Let's see...Dillinger Escape Plan, Symphony X, Dry Kill Logic....yawn...uh...yawn....damn....Fear Factory...why is the alarm clock going off now? And to top it off we get a band that died a century ago in Life Of Agony, the most boring mess in Dream Theater, one of the worst live bands in the world in Warrel Dane, and...the entertainment for the evening.....DAVE! Really, if this thing sells well then Manowar and Virgin Steele should team up for a K-Mart world tour. Buy your tickets for GIGANTOUR folks!! I'll be at home perfecting my baked beans...

This week Germany's thrash pioneers Destruction announced that they will have NINE vocalists sing on their newest single "The Alliance Of Hellhoundz". When it was reported that metal crusader and Jesus journeyman Pat Boone would not be involved in the recordings, we got a rather distasteful letter from folks representing Mr. Boone, who apparently is still in a metal mood. Obviously to protect the weak and narrow-minded, we won't disclose all of the details regarding Mr. Boone's decision to boycott the Destruction release but he did have this to say.

"All of you Maximum Metal readers should be outraged, completely distraught over the fact that MR. METAL Pat Boone, your righteous white metal superior, HAS NOT been invited to sing along with other metal icons on "The Alliance Of Hellhoundz" track. Go ahead and invite those sure to be damned in the fiery pits of hell, I for one won't stand for it! Today I hit the studio with Jimmy Swaggart, Billy Graham, Benny Hinn, Gordon Robertson, and Pat Robertson to record our version of this metal song..."The Alliance For Gloryhoundz".

Pat, I strongly urge you to just go away. In fact, I beg the dogs of the world....please maul this man.

Shadows Fall became the highest selling Century Media artist of all time. What do I say about that....Brian Fair, cut your fucking hair ya damn jabroni!! It's denim and leather pal, not George Clinton and the funkadelic carpet ride.

Word has it that King Diamond will not take his carnival sideshow on the road to Europe this year. Apparently he feels the need to record YET ANOTHER King Diamond studio record. For the devil's sake, why in the hell does this corpse-painted muppet refuse to do anymore Mercyful Fate records? What is the personal vendetta against the Fate fans? So far for this decade we have King Diamond at 4, Mercyful Fate...at...well...0. Thank God for Force Of Evil.

Saliva's guitarist Chris Dabaldo recently stated that he is out of the band. He clearly made it evident that he no longer wanted to stay within the group, posting comments on his site saying he was out. NOW, after teeny boppers....fans....whoever....have basically ignored his statements he has had a change of heart. On June 1st Dabaldo retracted his comments with this statement:

"Hey guys, sorry for the alarming nature of my statement on 5/29 about leaving the band. There was a bit of an issue that we're working through and we're looking forward to recording a new album later this year. We'll see you on the road this October! I miss you all very very much."

That was PR folks. We at Maximum Metal have the real scoop for you, the real dish. Here is what Chris really said:

"Hey folks, I said something back in May about leaving Saliva. They have convinced me to stay with the group and record a new record. They are giving me an orange royce, two hundred fifty thousand dollars, and a week long bondage bin with Gene Simmons. I'm back in the band baby and we will see you in October!

For all of you horror book vamps, zombie mastermind Brian Keene has released his sequel to "The Rising" entitled "City Of The Dead". For folks like myself, EC, and Nailer, we can now afford to buy a copy. The paperback version hit shelves the last week of May and you can buy it just about anywhere that sells toilet paper. To all of you anal spastic types, pay your $50 for hardback. I'll have my digits turning the pages at a tune of about seven bucks. Just like Burger King, I have it MY WAY! Eat me Keene! But seriously peoples, pick this thing up! Best zombie fiction ever.

That is about all the metal I have this go around. Like I said, not much cooking in the kitchen this year. I'll be back soon kiddies with more tales from Music Woe. But let me leave you with this....

Rob Halford, I want you to bone me. Bone me really hard, because me taking it up the tail pipe is going to be a lot less painful than listening to another track from the new Priest record.

Remember, vote for Neifi Perez for this year's MLB all-star game!! This Cubs shortstop IS an all-star this year damnit!

Metal!
RT