Heavy metal headbangers, it's me...it's me...it's Rod T. Back at you again with another cylinder shot of good old fashioned Necrofile fun for a new year. I haven't gotten to mouth off in a quite some time, so as always, being your very own front row ruckus, I'm back at the helm typing away for my millions, and millions of Throwen fans.

Who are we gonna poke fun at this go around? Reality Shows, those hellacious "as is" mockumentarys of the downtrodden. From Nanny 911 to the Gotti Family, we've seen our share of television's urine stained rims. At some point we have to say no more Mr. Hollywood, we are mature couch potatoes that enjoy late night soaps and softcore porn as an alternative to the trendy channel lures of real life TV. Or do we watch on with curious fascination, a morbid desire to reach closer to our celebrity icons?

With nothing more to do than research the ingredients in a carrot, I tuned into VH1's "Kickstart My Heart" badboy Vince Neil, a metal renegade that made me a spandex warrior overnight. Now in this millenium, Neil started to look like a waterlogged Sally Struthers, bordering on obese while toying with his Motley Crue fame. Folks, "Remaking" did nothing for this joker. Who does he think he's jiving? With his plastic bimbo within waist-length, Neil went through a rigourous routine with LA's finest liars. From facetucks to facescrubs, Neil hit the Elizabeth Taylor highway, losing pounds, fat, hair, and money on the way to a squeaky clean new look. The problem...they forgot to remake him. Nothing has changed other than Neil recording a grunge ballad that producers PROMISED would make him a star. Where the Hell were they when we were all "Shouting At The Devil"?

Now I may not be Mr. Romeo by any means and I'll be the first to admit that. Give me a Sears catalogue and some thick hand soap and I'm just tickled to death. Low and behold the longest tongue in showbusiness is at it again, this time in the form of a reality show geared towards "training" twelve beefy guys on how to properly court a sweetie-pie. But how in the world does Gene Simmons come off as Mr. Romance? Larry The Cable Guy wouldn't even consider throwing rod to a drunk middle aged woman over the back side of a bus seat romance. I will say it again, KISS were never a band, merely a financial institution that continues to grow like Peter North's chubby in a room full of virgins.

Yeah, I'm saying the same thing. How can lowly Matt Sorum be listed under those two? Well possibly he has a large enough name to land his name in TV land as well. Sorum, known for his work as Steve Adler's replacement on Axl Rose's ship through "Use Your Illusion 1 & 2" as well as recent skinsman for belly flopper Velvet Revolver has a groupie pitch for primetime. His sexual escapades have been caught on Scott Weiland's (Stone Temple Pilots, Velvet Revolver) register. The two have had bickering in regards to Sorum's backstage antexxx with Sorum landing the role of Ron Jeremy behind closed doors with the numerous Revolver fans. Biggest question in relation to this; How could there possibly be that many wenches lining up for a shot at any of those jackasses? Velvet Revolver, with one average album under their wing, couldn't close a door much less close in on Guns 'N Roses stash of backstage spread eagles.

Mick Mars' tired ass is going in and out of the upcoming Motley Crue reunion tour. According to reports Mick's health problems will prohibit him from playing full shows with the band, instead his slot will be filled by ex-Beautiful Creatures guitarist DJ Ashba and Mars will only play the encore songs. Of course this is a rumor, but many state that this is a truth that Mick is having a hard time admitting. Remember when the reunion was just a rumor, remember when Tommy Lee said he was finished with Motley Crue, remember Vince Neil's solo tour, remember Brides Of Destruction...yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah. Mark my words kiddies, this rumor will be confirmed in the next few days by Mars' bedside strippers. Mars' claims the whole thing is really done out of greed. That sort of thing will really helps push over the whole ticket purchase thing for consumers shopping at home. At $48 bucks a pop my mind would rest easier knowing the band really wants to tour and won't use my hard earned cash to snort a line up their nose. Anyhoo, my asshair will be firmly draped over the upper concourse at the MCI Center in Washington on March 6th with "Shout At The Devil" action figures in tow. Look for a report from yours truly around that time.

Reports are coming in that Def Leppard will be on tour this summer with Bryan Adams. Read again...Def Leppard will be on tour this summer with Bryan Adams. The two will be kicking off their show around the same time as the Nelly/Tim McGraw tour, which follows up last year's blockbuster tour of Kenny Chesney/Uncle Kracker. I really don't understand this cross-genre thing. I've seen the likes of Pat Benatar teaming with Martina McBride, Montgomery Gentry with Lynard Skynard, Jay-Z combining with Linkin Park, and Jimmy Buffet pairing up with anyone wearing a cowboy hat and a pair of spurs. I for one have already ordered my advance tickets for the Kenny Rogers/Judas Priest double bill. Rogers and Halford will combine on a duet of Rogers' classic "Lady".

In wrapping.....Megadeth mastermind Dave Mustaine was victorious in defending both lawsuits placed against him by David Ellefson and Chris Poland. Poland admitted he stole band gear from Mustaine for drug money and Ellefson admitted to agreeing to a settlement prior to placing the lawsuit against Mustaine. The end result...Megadeth still sucks and remains to this day as training bra thrash.

In closing, one question and I would like some feedback. As an alert and careful driver, it shames me to no end to have two recent speeding tickets and a red light violation sitting on my record for 2004. My only excuse, jamming speed metal at maximum volume. So my question, does metal make you speed? No can't drive 55 jokes here, I'm serious kiddies!!

Have a great 2005 folks and I'll be back soon.

Metal!
RT