The views and opinions expressed herein are those solely of the author and may not necessarily reflect those of the rest of the human race.

Welcome, my son – welcome to the machine. Where have you been? It’s all right; we know where you’ve been...

Hey there and thanks for checking in. Yeah, I know; I said I was going to try to get this out bi-weekly and I wind up not being able to do this for over a month. It’s been a busy time – what, between bullshit at work (and trying not to be the band that played on the Titanic), Girl upheaval and re-heaval and scoring the M L Dub Report and another column on 411Music, it’s been crazy on my end here! Remember, though, the key word was “try”. Life’s great at spinning my ass like a Super Bowl Halftime PRT Debacle. But I made it back, just for you. And Nailer, because he’s cool enough to put up with my MIA bullshit. Thanks again, Bossman. Not implying that you’re a former prison guard or anything...

This edition is basically broken in half as we’ve got a mini Grammy wrap up (“mini” because of metal’s presence there, obviously) and a gaggle of recording updates! See if YOUR favorite is in here somewhere! And just because I’m in a good mood (and need to make up for being gone), I’ll even sprinkle in some goodies, including some porn! Who says being a Maximum Metal reader doesn’t have its benefits. You’re welcome, by the way.

So what’re we doing standing around here? Let’s get to it...

Thanks For Coming Out And Don’t Forget Your Paperweight

Well, about all metal was able to do during the 46th annual Grammy Awards was show its face (and ass, because that’s HEAVY FUCKING METAL~!) and then duck back in the studio. This wasn’t a good year for metal and mainstream. All we really had to brag about were bands that have come and gone and don’t realize it yet and a flimsy girl-goth band that’s already split up.

On the flip side of that coin, being a metal fan and not giving a shit about the Billboard charts meant 2003 was a fucking bang up year! It’s easier to name either a this-close-to-blowing-up band or a legendary act that didn’t release a new album and/or hit the road. Anthrax, Ministry, Queensryche, Dream Theater, Sevendust, Living Colour...and those are just some of my favorites! The list is probably about 28x that long, at least, and all filled with favorites old and new.

But you get the point. For the diehards, 2003 was fantastic. In the mainstream dimension, however, we have this:

Best Hard Rock Performance
WINNER: Evanescence f/ Paul McCoy - "Bring Me to Life"

Audioslave - "Like a Stone"
Godsmack - "Straight Out of Line"
Jane's Addiction - "Just Because"
Queens of the Stone Age - "Go With the Flow"

Best Metal Performance
WINNER: Metallica - "St. Anger"

Korn - "Did My Time"
Marilyn Manson - "mOBSCENE"
Spineshank - "Smothered"
Stone Sour - "Inhale"

...and that tells you all you need to know. With the exception of Godsmack (who is fast becoming the post-2000 AC/DC), any other one of those bands should have handed Evanescence their arrested developed asses back to them, especially the returning Jane’s and Audioslave (with one of the most beautiful solos I’ve heard in a long time – out of a guy known for channeling Hendrix, no less!). As far as The World’s Most Famous Garage Band getting their consolation prize for the most disappointing album of the year, that’s just ridiculous. Spineshank has more heart than Lars has had since 1994. Taylor, Root, and the rest of Stone Sour bring some great arrangements, power, intensity and some damn fine songwriting that whips the shit out of Metallica’s catalogue, post-Metallica (not “The Black Album”...we’ve been over that before). Haven’t heard the Korn tune and “mOBSCENE”, while pretty good, sounds like Manson going through motions. Hell, if I had Dita Von Teese waiting for me at home, I wouldn’t go anywhere either! (That was only a sample of the porn...more to come, so keep reading...)

Backtracking a bit, you did see that Evanescence won an award up there, right? TWO – they beat out 50 Cent of all people for Best New Artist while they were at it. YES, they DID get up and accept at least one award together...ho brother...

2/9/2004 - Ex-EVANESCENCE Guitarist BEN MOODY: 'I Heard A Voice That Said You Got To Leave'

EVANESCENCE won "Best New Artist" and "Best Hard Rock Performance" at Sunday's Grammys, months after co-founders Amy Lee and Ben Moody parted ways.

Their first reunion since breaking up in the middle of Evanescence’s European tour was onstage Sunday — and it wasn't a happy one, according to the Associated Press.

"We didn't really say anything," Lee, the group's lead singer, told reporters backstage. "We just said congratulations. It was kind of strange."

Moody, sporting long hair, a goatee and silver cane with a skull's head, said he had grown increasingly unhappy being a part of EVANESCENCE, which he created with Lee when they were at a summer camp together.

"Amy and I spent eight years together, and spent that time at a very early age. By the time we became 22 and 23 we were just entirely different people," the group's former lead guitarist said. "One day I just heard a voice that said you got to leave."

Posted by: Nailer
Source: blabbermouth

Quoth Denis Leary: “Pull that bus over to the side of the pretentiousness turnpike.”

Jesus Christ, this is (considered) THE Music Award to have. For that you could put aside being an assbag long enough to be at least cool to the person you won those awards with. So homegirl broke up with you to go with some other dude. This isn’t high school, motherfucker – this is what you wanted. Enjoy it and concentrate on crawling down Avril’s panties and working to keep what you’ve got rather than being a conceited pecker. I mean, come on – you “heard a voice”? Wouldn’t be the same one that told you you’d be better off without the voice to carry out your oversaturated faux-goth “masterpieces”, would it? And the skull’s head cane? That’s just fagnanimous.

Reprinted from 411Music’s All The News That’s Fit To Post – 02.10.04, because I’m a shameless, self-promoting whore. And just as an addendum, Wes Borland has addressed the rumors (from where?!) about his joining Evanescence, saying that he never will. Now I can sleep better.

But enough about those goofy little kids – something MUCH crazier went down after the show...

2/12/2004 - IRON MAIDEN, SLAYER Managers Involved In GRAMMY Brawl?

IRON MAIDEN manager Rod Smallwood and SLAYER manager Rick Sales (both of whom work under the Sanctuary umbrella) were involved in a fistfight with record executive Happy Walters at the BMG Grammy party over the weekend. According to a posting at Hits Daily Double, "Big talk of the night was the free-for-all at the Avalon in Hollywood during the BMG Grammy party, where record exec Happy Walters engaged in some spirited fisticuffs with Sanctuary mega-managers Rod Smallwood and Rick Sales. The latter two rushed in after Happy head-butted the company's VP Operations Prem Akkaraju in a dispute that reportedly revolved around Carl Stubner, who left Immortal to head up Sanctuary management last year and is still involved in legal action with Walters. While bystanders looked on amazed, security rushed in to break up the fight, described as a 'rugby scrum.'"

Shortly after publishing the above item, Hits Daily Double apparently received an "open letter" from Smallwood addressing the incident. Said Smallwood: "I resent any implication that I am the type of person to get involved in 'brawls' at Grammy events or elsewhere, so let me make this clear. A group of us were chatting on the way out of the BMG party when Happy Walters stormed up and headbutted a Sanctuary Executive, Prem Akkaraju. Where I come from, headbutting is considered to be a vicious and cowardly act. I immediately stepped in to restrain Happy Walters from making further attacks on Prem Akkaraju. Happy Walters was shown out by security. I certainly was not. What would you guys do if someone walked up and assaulted a colleague right in front of you??"

Hits Daily Double concluded their coverage of the brawl with the following piece published Wednesday (Feb. 11): "The roots of the disagreement between Happy Walters and Sanctuary VP Operations Prem Akkaraju stem from when the one-time Wall Street investment banker was brought in to Immortal by Kevin Wall. Walters and Wall, of course, ended up in ongoing litigation, while Akkaraju segued to Sanctuary, where he was reportedly instrumental in luring Carl Stubner from Walters' Immortal, resulting in another lawsuit (Immortal vs. Stubner/Sanctuary). Some observers report that Walters and Prem had words at the BMG party, a scuffle ensued, and then Walters was suddenly surrounded by three or four Sanctuary execs who were with Akkaraju. According to eyewitnesses, Walters was kicked and beaten severely enough that he had to be taken to the hospital."

Posted by: Nailer
Source: blabbermouth

Who says only musicians get into fights? Good to know the pigfuckers who handle the money getting into the occasional ‘rugby scrum’ to show that they still understand their clients. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, even if I have no idea what the fuck constitutes a ‘rugby scrum’.

Moving on, let’s see when YOUR favorite bands will be dropping a new album soon...!

The Red Light Is On...Do Not Disturb...

Before the actual studio updates, news comes out of Seattle that Jerry Cantrell has hooked up once again with Mike Inez and Sean Kinney, all 3 formerly of Alice In Chains. Now, don’t blow a load yet or anything; all they’ve done is re-open lines of communication and jam together again, and that suite me just fine. Mind you, Alice In Chains won’t be Alice In Chains ever again whether they use that name or not. You can’t replace a pained voice out of purgatory like Lane Staley; it’s just not possible. That said, I’d still love to be a fly on the wall in THAT garage to see what those 3 can come up with. If it makes you feel any better, you can find Cantrell alongside Damageplan on the track “Ashes To Ashes” on the upcoming punisher soundtrack...

And for those of you that aren’t afraid to be called “Sellout!” by those garden-variety troglodytes (thank you, Don Callis) on blabbermouth.net, Cradle Of Filth stepped back in the studio on Friday the 13th (makes sense) to record Nymphetamine. The album will be the first under the Roadrunner Records banner (poor bastards…CoF, I mean...) and will be produced by Anthrax’s (and Scrap 60’s) own Rob Caggiano. The track list is already set and looks something like this:

1. Medusa And Hemlock
2. Nemesis
3. Prey
4. Gilded Cunt
5. Absinthe With Faust
6. Painting Flowers White Never Suited My Palette
7. Coffin Fodder
8. Filthy Little Secret
9. Gabrielle
10. Swansong For A Raven

Early June is the projected timeframe for release, so keep your eyes peeled. My birthday falls in that month, so I think I know what I may get myself this year~!

If you’re looking for something sooner, February 24 will see the return of...Orgy! Thought to have been all but dead, it seems Jay Gordon and the guys just needed a little breathing space and to get some business matters up. The father-and-son team of Jay and Lou Gordon formed their own label and decided to do away with the middleman. As a result, Punk Statik Paranoia will be out before Leap Year Day.

Works for me! Orgy takes the 80s new wave we loved as little rugrats and turns it out heavier than Martha Stweart’s case docket. If every band has a generational counterpart, then Orgy is the new Duran Duran.

Hell, don’t take my word for it – have some samples of the new album!

1. Beautiful Disgrace
2. Vague
3. Ashamed
4. Make Up Your Mind
5. Leave Me Out
6. The Obvious
7. Inside My Head
8. Pure
9. Can't Take This

Boy, you’re just getting all SORTS of goodies today, aren’tcha? And I ain’t even thrown out the best one yet...

Trent Reznor is absconded away in Los Angeles writing the follow-up to 1999’s The Fragile. And Rick Rubin will be producing. This combo has “domination” written all over it. Enough said.

And while we’re on the subject of Rick Rubin, another high-power collaboration featuring the Bearded Board Master will see the light of day on May 25. This one is way on the other end of the spectrum with a band set to take the second stage of Ozzfest back this year. Yep, 2003 was missing one band (okay, two) on the road and in the stores, and Slipknot will make up for their absence, as you’ve just read, in fine form.

The other “missing band”? Fear Factory, prime and ready to go on April 25 with Archetype. They’ll be on the Jagermeister Music Tour starting March 30 in Orlando (SEE if I won’t be there!) in support of...Slipknot. See how that all comes together nicely? God I love Heavy Metal.

Another KISS tribute is due – which is good, because that’s about the only way I can stand hearing KISS songs. I remember when Kiss My Ass came out in 1994; I even still have a limited edition red vinyl press of it. There was some good shit on there – Extreme, Anthrax, Yoshiki of X, and Shandi’s Addiction...

You want to talk about a supergroup? Shandi’s Addiction was a one-off group consisting of Mike “Puffy” Bordin (Faith No More!, Ozzy Osbourne, Jerry Cantrell) on drums, Billy Gould on (Faith No More! Again!) on bass, Tom Morello (Rage Against The Machine, Audioslave) on guitar, and Maynard James Keenen (Tool, A Perfect Circle) on vocals. These four got together for the specific purpose of turning “Calling Dr. Luv” into a bottom-heavy fuck anthem that wouldn’t be topped. To say they made the tune their own goes without saying, but the potential showed by that sole recording is off the page. What those four could have done over the span of an entire album blows the mind, as well it should. But at least we got a small taste on a KISS tribute album.

So, does the latest one have anything that cool? Well, let’s take a gander:

1. DEE SNIDER - "Detroit Rock City"
2. TOMMY SHAW - "Love Gun"
3. MARK SLAUGHTER - "Cold Gin"
4. CHRIS JERICHO - "King of the Night Time World"
5. KIP WINGER - "I Want You"
6. BUZZ OSBORNE - "God of Thunder"
7. PAGE HAMILTON - "Calling Doctor Love"
8. LEMMY KILMISTER - "Shout It Out Loud"
9. DOUG PINNICK - "Parasite"
10. PHIL LEWIS - "Strutter"
11. ROBIN MCAULEY - "I Stole Your Love"

Not a bad lineup at all. Hell, at least this one doesn’t have Lenny Kravitz or Garth Fucking Brooks. Some of it I can live without (Kip Winger, Mark Slaughter and Lemmy Kilmister, I’m staring directly at you three) but the rest looks pretty solid, bordering on damned good. Page Hamilton from Helmet steps in to fill the shoes of the mighty Shandi’s addiction and I couldn’t think of a better choice. Chris Jericho just belongs on something like this, God bless his hair metal soul. And Dee By God Snider on my favorite Kiss song? Sold.

On top of all these bands getting ready to unleash new records, an e-mail from the Therapy? Mailing list came flying directly under the radar. Instead of letting the entire thing flop out like some washed up pop singer (with a wacko brother)’s metal-encrusted tit, I’ll quote the most important bit of it here for you:

The good news is that we have started work on some new material with a view to recording a new album.

Hell yeah. That’s al I have to hear. Of course, I still have yet to hear High Anxiety...maybe I can get Evocator to hook me up with a copy of that...

And that’ll about do it for the studio updates. 2004’s looking it might be another banner year for Metal The Way We Like It. As for the mainstream press? Fuck those fools. If they’re too busy cozying up to assholes like Justin “I swear I didn’t have nothing to do with it, now will you please buy my new CD?” Timberlake, then that’s their problem. More good shit for me and less fucktards that I have to share it with.

Now then, there’s one more piece of business I have to take care of...

Brett and Jenna? Tommy Lee and Pam? Amateurs

Now, the news that follows this is probably nothing new. But, for those of you that may have missed it, I’m here for you.

Evan Seinfeld of Biohazard (and the HBO series Oz) is married. Who’s his wife, you ask? Porn star Tera Patrick.

Patrick has her own web site of course, as all smart pornstars do. For a nominal fee each month you can see Tera...do her thing, as it were.

However, whereas Tommy Lee and Pam tried to sue to have their video kept behind hidden doors, the happy couple of Seinfeld and Patrick have no qualms about displaying their sex life.

And yes, those are free samples. Once again, you’re welcome.

Well, that looks to be a splendid way to wrap another Necrofile. I’ll try to have one up in a shorter timeframe than this one took, I swear I will. Thank you again for dropping by. Until next time, bang your head – just not into a brick wall.

Double M
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