The Necrofile – issue 11

The views and opinions herein are those solely of the author and may not necessarily reflect those of the rest of the human race.

Hey ya. Welcome back to another rousing edition of the Necrofile. Quite a bit to get to, including a special section on Everyone's Favorite Brummie and His Gold-Digging Publicity Whore of a Wife. Curious, ain'tcha? Relax - we got a while yet.

As I write this, we're not even a day and half away from WWE Armageddon from right next door in Orlando, FL. Not only will I be there live in the building, but I'll also be brandishing a WWE-authorized photo pass! Look for me around the ring with my Robotech shirt on snapping pics of anything that moves. Yeah buddy! Can't wait!

"Down In It" has concluded and you can read it all here. Took about 2 weeks to post it all; hope you'll find it worth it. If nothing else, maybe it'll shed the impression that I'm just a music and rasslin' geek. We 'll see. Okay, enough of the personal life shite - on to the news!

How bad will this piss off the RIAA?

Former Saigon Kick vocalist Matt Kramer has decided to let his solo album fly for free - in its entirety, on lower quality mp3 format - on his website, MattKramer.net. From Christmas Eve 'til the day after Jesus' birthday, you can download each and every song from War & Peas for nothin'. And he's gonna do it again on New Year's Eve. The promotional effort for M-Tunes will be followed by the album, with all the bells and whistles, available for download at a fairly inexpensive rate. You can also order the CD itself (with artwork and lyrics, of course) at the site. Wonder if Jon Davis is taking notes on this.

(Credit: Blabbermouth.net - your source for metal news)

Welcome To My Nightmare On Hollywood Boulevard

Former shock-rocker turned PGA hopeful Alice Cooper has been honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame, nestled comfortably between Gene Autry and Hugh Hefner. Total turnout to see the ceremony: about 300. 'Nuff said.

To steal a line from That Bootleg Guy, sometimes the news just writes itself</b>

In an effort to boost tourism in Wales, lyrics to Led Zeppelin's "Bron Y Aur Stomp" are being printed on gates and picnic benches in Snowdonia National Park. The band once stayed at a cottage on the peak in North Wales, where they wrote the tune. John Abiit of Snowdonia National Park says, "We want to make people aware of culture of the area when they are enjoying the countryside. The fact that poets and writers have written about and celebrated Snowdonia is one way of helping people understand that this is a different area with a very distinct culture. To be able to see what other people have written and how they have been inspired by the landscape can only be of benefit." Umm, right, then.

(The preceding 2 items were brought to you by Runyourmouth.net - your source for useless trivia being passed off as metal news)

More Band Drama, part 1

Hanoi Rocks members Michael Monroe and Andy McCoy have verbally leveled one-time buddies Motley Crue over the title of their recently released box set, Music To Crash Your Car To, Volume 1. "The despicable title by the 'Motley Crude'. is the most tasteless and murderous gimmick to cash in on the past that we've ever heard of," they wrote in a statement faxed from Finland to Entertainment Weekly. "There's nothing 'cool' or 'funny' about death. How low can you go?!?" The anger stems from a 1984 incident where Crue frontman Vince Neil was arrested on drunk-driving and vehicular-manslaughter charges after a late-night liquor run turned into a tragic accident that killed his passenger, Hanoi Rocks drummer Nicholas "Razzle" Dingley, in addition to seriously injuring two people in an oncoming car.

Crue bassist Nikki Sixx explained in EW that the title was meant as a "sarcastic statement towards a lifestyle" and didn't make the connection between it and the accident until Neil (who couldn't be reached for comment by the magazine) expressed misgivings. But by that point, the four-disc compilation was already on the shelves. Oops.

I can certainly see why Monroe and McCoy are so pissed. In their minds, The Crue is making light of a car crash that killed their lead singer. That having been said, I really don't think that's why the boxed set was named like it was. In fact, Sixx explained the title and tried to pull it, but by then it was too late. Not much you can do there except watch a misunderstanding and lack of forethought balloon into another music feud.

More Motley Drugs

Speaking of Nikki Sixx, his autobiography, "The Heroin Diaries", is now available for pre-order. The book, tentatively due in October 2004, "starts on Christmas morning 1986 with me sitting in front of a Christmas tree alone, shooting up heroin,"
according to Sixx. "I'm sitting there thinking, 'I've done sold-out stadiums. I'm all over MTV. I'm in one of the hugest new bands there is, and I'm alone on Christmas morning with no decorations and no presents. Just me and my needle.' It was three days after I'd had a [near-fatal] heroin overdose, and I'm sitting there in front of the Christmas tree again doing the same thing I was doing the year before, and I think I really had a revelation at that moment that I had to stop. It was a real pinnacle moment in my life." God damn. "If you read this book, you will never do drugs. Shitting your pants and throwing up all over yourself, and the detox, and the psychosis, and a lot of the other stuff in this book is just not glamorous."

Lord knows there are a million jokes here just begging to fly, but I can't do it. I kind of have to respect Sixx for laying it all out there and not celebrating the excesses he and his band made popular years ago. He's learned how bad it was and now comes the effort to stop others from making his mistake. Well played, Mr. Sixx.

Now we go from someone who's learned his lesson to someone who never will - and the latest dumb bitch to fall for the horseshit.

More Crue Sex

Tommy Lee and new girl toy Pink have been.umm.shall we say, busy. First, the two were spotted in the men's room of New York club Lotus simulating sex after the two were making out with a fetching young lass in a blond Mohawk (yes, I said both of them). Days later, Pink spent $35,000 flying Tommy out from L.A. to New York where she was taping "Saturday Night Live" (Christ, that's an expensive plane ticket!).

Apparently Pink hasn't learned a damned thing from Pamela Anderson or any other of Tommy's previous tricks. I give it two months before Pink is spotted with a black eye, either from him whippin' her ass or his purportedly gargantuan pecker hitting higher than her mouth. Either way.

(Credit: Blabberskag.net - your source for disease-ridden man-whores)

The Antichrist Bandwagon rolls on

Marilyn Manson is under criminal investigation in Switzerland after a religious group made a formal complaint about his stage act. Zurich District Prosecutor Michael Scherrer said Manson was under investigation for allegedly breaching Swiss law protecting religion as well as making incitements to violence during a concert in the city in February 2001. In an interview conducted by Scherrer himself before the show, Manson rejected accusations by Christian Groups and Zurich lawmakers that his act was offensive to a majority of the population, citing that his shows were designed to prompt debates on religion and violence. Scherrer said he had yet to decide whether to charge Manson and do what several United States in America could not - put the man in jail simply for being a performer. Keep on rocking in the free world.

(Credit: Mansonmouth.net - your source for everybody who keeps beating a dead horse)

Welcome Back To The Odyssey

A brand-new Orgy track, titled "The Obvious", has been posted online in streaming audio format here. The track is taken from Punk Statik Paranoia, a collection of primarily demos for the band's never-completed third LP. The album will be available February 24 through DI Music and should show why it's a damned shame that Orgy had to go and break up.

You, sir, are no Freddie Mercury

Justin Hawkins, lead singer for the British "glam rock" band The Darkness, nearly missed a coveted cover shoot for <i>Spin</i> after cops, looking for a wanted criminal coincidentally named Justin Hawkins who bears a passing resemblance to the singer, held him for two hours at Kennedy Airport. Hawkins A was released after his manager showed cops a tour schedule which proved Hawkins B was playing in England on July 4, when Hawkins B allegedly committed his crime. Hawkins A, whose bombastic "I Believe in a Thing Called Love", is drawing comparisons to vintage Queen, later dined at Nobu.

Waitaminute - who the fuck is comparing them to Queen?!!? Have you heard these guys lately?? The only way Hawkins could even come close to Freddie Mercury is for someone to kick him squah in the nuts before each performance (a job I'd happily sign up for). And I don't hear anyone else in the band playing John Deacon's sly bass or Brian May's Red Special, so you can forget about them matching Queen's sound, too. They may <i>want</i> to be Queen - a good look at their video will prove that - but the closest they'll ever get is a sad knockoff of T. Rex.

What's that? Valium? Nope, never heard of the stuff. Why do you ask?

(Credit: Slobbermouth.net - Your only source for neeutz in the meeouth)

The Tour of Agony

Reunited New York metal troupe Life Of Agony are getting to hit the road again (supported by Flaw) starting in January. Luck Locations so far include New York, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey. Let me find out that they' re coming to Florida and I'm al over it. Damn glad to see them back.

Van Hagar Update

The Van Halen mailing list recently issued an update regarding the rumors of Sammy Hagar re-joining Van Halen. In a nutshell, it states that:

Yes, they've talked.
No, nothing is set yet.
Yes, they'd like to work together again.
No, they won't go on the road without new material.
Yes, there is an unreleased song that may see the light of day.
No, Sammy won't disband his solo band, The Waboritas.

Any questions?


More Band Drama, part 2

Seether frontman (and current dick of Evanescence singer Amy Lee) Shaun Morgan went out of his way lately to open fire on some kid who thought him responsible for Ben Moody leaving Evanescence. In the post, Morgan stated that-

Hold on. You know what? This thing was so precious, we'll let it fly in its entirety from Seether's bulletin board:

"Wow! I didn't know I had so much power over Ben and his life and his career. If I'd known I would have done some things a little differently. Let me tell you, my friend, one day when you're a little older you might understand. Right now you need to

A.) Blame Ben Moody's shitty attitude, and subsequent leaving of Evanescence on somebody, namely me. (Feel free to look up any big words in the dictionary or ask your Mommy)

B.) Consider the fact that the guy really isn't the greatest guitar player in the world and that Evanescence might be better off with somebody else. (Oh my God, did I actually dare to write that about the great Ben Moody?)

C.) Grow the fuck up. The only person I have to care about in Evanescence is Amy, and I really couldn't care less about Ben Moody or any of the skanky hoes he bangs on the road (!!!). Get a life and try to understand that your hero is nowhere near as cool as you think he is...

Now, drink your milk, have your cookies and go to bed before Mommy gets angry..."

BWWWAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! That was great! For those keeping score at home: Shaun Morgan-1, dumb little faux-goth bastard-0.

On the other side of the fence, rumors persist that Moody is preparing to collaborate and work with. Avril Lavigne. Y'mean kinda like how Britney Spears and Fred Durst "worked together"? Because according to Morgan, Moody is all about getting some ass and letting his ego run rampant, it seems.

I wanna rock and roll all night - and duck responsibility every day

Gene Simmons of KISS recently canceled a book signing right nearby at Final Vinyl in Tampa, FL because of severe bronchitis. Later on Simmons was spotted at a local mall - in Starbucks, Victoria's Secret and Neiman-Marcus - with four women in tow. Does it really surprise anyone that Gene's just in it for the money and could give a rat's ass about those who stupidly hand it to him?

(Credit: BlabberKISS.net - your source for greedy, freeze-dried assholes)

Exit Sandman

Jason Newstead has left his post as Ozzy's bass player. In a recently released statement, Newstead said, "I would like to thank the Osbournes for including Voivod in their tours this year. I am honored to have had the privilege to share the stage with Ozzy, [guitarist] Zakk [Wylde] and [drummer] Mike [Bordin] through a very successful summer. It was a blast playing old BLACK SABBATH songs with this band! My agreement with the Osbournes was to play bass for the gigs that Ozzy had committed to through December 2003. I wish Ozzy the best as he continues to fly the flag for metal! I am excited to be back making new music with VOIVOD. The Chophouse studio is fired up and ready for the creation of the next album." This is a long-winded way of not having to say, "I'm very glad not to have to be around any of the Osbourne clan anymore."

(Credit: Blabberrun.net - your source for people smart enough to get the fuck out of Dodge)

And speaking of the Osbourne clan.as promised, a whole gaggle of Ozzy news!

Oh, man.where do we start with this shit?...

The Crazy Train rolls on

Okay, let's start with the family drama before getting to the important stuff.

It was recently revealed that not only was Ozzy molested by his father, but that Sharon Osbourne slept with Randy Rhoads before she and Ozzy were married. The fact that she not only did it while she and Ozzy were engaged but is now gleefully telling anyone within earshot is cause for me to lose my mind in and of itself. However, Howard Stern has already torn her a new gaping ass over it, so I'll give Howard a knuckle bump next time I see him and drop that there.

Meanwhile, Aimee Osbourne verbally lambasted the producers of MTV's "The Osbournes" on TeenMusic.com. Aimee said that she never joined the show because she was afraid that it would make her family - most notably her dad - look like fools. Boy howdy, was she spot on there or what? She is also furious at Sharon, Kelly, and Jack for agreeing to turn their home into a 3-ring circus for the right and just cause of fame and publicity - and the cash that comes with it. Well, Aimee, this is your mom we're talking about, whom you know better than anyone. What did you expect?

Of course, part of the problem may lie in the hands of Dr. David A. Kipper, Ozzy's former physician. Kipper had Osbourne on an array of potent drugs - opiates, tranquilizers, amphetamines, antidepressants, even an antipsychotic. The singer said he swallowed as many as 42 pills a day. Kipper was under investigation while handing Ozzy all the drugs he could take for doing the same to other celebrities, and is now under a separate investigation to remove his license altogether. All of this occurred, naturally, during filming of the MTV series that Aimee now cannot stand, and Sharon didn't do a damned thing to stop it. I mean, why not? It makes for <i>great</i> television.

Ozzy is also up for the "Brummie Of The Year" award which, Creator Jon Bounds states, was created to honor Birmingham, England-born and -bred icons who epitomize the down-to-earth qualities of the city. Other nominees include: Jasper Carrott, Julie Waters, Frank Skinner, Cat Deeley and Mad Malik - five people that no one has ever fucking heard of. Who do <i>you</i> think is the shoo-in for this one?

In other awards news, Billboard Magazine has a special section dedicated to The Osbournes in the latest issue of their magazine, dated Dec. 20. The special section can also be found online at Billboard's site, but be prepared to shuck out almost $25 for 3 days (!!) worth of access to the site to read it.

All of this pales in comparison to the news that Ozzy has been injured in an ATV accident wherein he broke several ribs, a collarbone, and a vertebra. Immediately after the accident, Ozzy stopped breathing and had no pulse for about a minute before being revived by a security guard who noticed Ozzy's condition (who I'm sure Sharon will have on her lousy excuse of a talk show, keeping the publicity alive). Ozzy underwent surgery after the accident and is now in stable condition at Wexham Park Hospital in Slough near the family's Birmingham estate.

Sharon has kept a bedside vigil by her husband (making sure everyone knew about it, of course, with a videotape sent to air on her show showing how concerned she is and how willing she is to pimp out her own husband's serious injuries to sell a goddam book) and Zakk Wylde canceled an in-store appearance in Huntington Beach, CA to be with his bandleader. It was reported that Ozzy would not be able to perform for a full year after the accident; however, the family says that the report is not true and no time has been given on when Ozzy may be able to return to the stage.

This really sucks. No, seriously. Never mind that Ozzy may be off the road for about a year - if not more, depending on how well the man heals from all of this (putting next year's OzzFest in jeopardy). It's wholly possible that Ozzy may never hit the road again. And having Sharon update any news outlet that will listen on a daily basis to keep the family name in the news is just pathetic. This is a time when she should care less about being in headlines and hole up with Ozzy, making sure she's okay. This is what any other spouse would do, anyway. Hell no, not Sharon - she just has to make sure the world knows about every fucking thing the Osbournes do and say.

"The Osbournes", as a cultural phenomenon, peaked long ago and Sharon doesn' t want to admit it. The family made more money then the rest of us could ever hope to see off of that series (and the ridiculous merchandising tie-ins that came with it) and she's not willing to part with the idea that more is on the way. She's turned into a self-centered, publicity whore as a result. She's the biggest mark for herself that I've ever seen.

Ever notice how she ran her mouth about most celebrities before getting her own talk show? Now that she has it, she's just as sweet (read: two-faced) as she can be. Well, of course she is - she has the show and the money. No reason to flap her gums now that she's sold the idea that she'd make an excellent talk show host (which is false advertising if I've ever seen it). On top of all of that, now her husband's stable condition in a fucking hospital bed still isn't enough to make her stay out of the public view. God forbid she disappoints her adoring fans.

Wait - she has fans? You could have fooled me.

(Credit for all of the above: Ozzymouth.net - your source for babbling, incoherent bullshit)

Okay, I'm done. I promise. Now to end this issue on a good note.

Back so soon? Hell yeah!

Ministry frontman Al Jourgensen has revealed that his band will have a brand new album ready to go by Spring 2004. Forgoing the usual four year wait between records, Jourgensen, Barker, and company have returned to the Sonic Ranch studio in Texas to record Houses Of The Mole. Jourgensen says that the record, "will be all Ministry, all the time, with a dash of sinister Southwest flavor and half the carbs." God bless that man and his cohorts. Special props to Paul Barker, who's as cool an interview subject as I have ever talked to.

And that will do it for me, kids. Time to get ready for the holidays. I'll try to have some new news and sarcasm up by then. In case I don't, I'll wish you and yours a Merry New Year and Happy Christmas until next we meet. As always, bang your head - just not into a brick wall.

double M
12.13.03

(Special thanks to middleearthsea for the "Blabbermouth" running gag concept and a few of the suggestions used herein)