C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




[Other Maximum Metal Columns]

<< back >>





RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. HammerFall. The Haunted
. Dokken. Narziß
. Anthrax. Cradle of Filth
. December. Symphorce
. Norma Jean. Solace
. Overkill. Warhorse
. Godflesh. Dark Moor
. Power of Omens. Conquest
. Byfist. Iced Earth
. Biomechanical. Crystal Eyes
. Savatage. Thunderstone
. Brides of Destruction. Asperity
. Hard Echo. Volbeat
. TNA. Node
. Killik. Gothic Knights
. Riot. Bang The Union
. downBleed. Kingcrow
. Skyfire. Highlord
. Gary Moore. Marillion
. Ministry. Joey Belladonna
. Tearabyte. Unearth
. Polterchrist. Slowlife
. Witchburner. Incantation
. Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Made of Iron
. Tristania. Triumph
. Napalm Death. Crowbar
. Image. The Apocalyptic Riders
. Impaled. Maze Of Torment
. Dirt. Seige of Hate
. Labyrinth. Hibria
. Hellfire. Car Bomb
. Apocalyptica. Wolverine
. Antares. Stormwarrior
. Holy Moses. Kinrick
. Operatika. Ignitor
. Python. Brand New Sin
. Dark Funeral. Unshine
. Circus Maximus. Voyager
. Nightvision. Clutch
. To The Bone. The Atomic Bitchwax
. Dragonia. Monster Magnet
. Evergrey. Crystal Fate
. Ewigkeit. Ghost Machinery
. Damnation. Even X
. Overmars. Wolfmother
. Avulsed. Asrai
. Define Divine. Chain Collector
. Mastermind. Virgin Steele
. Hate. Absolution
. Machina. Insense
. Grimfist. Cardinale
. Ephel Duath. Wolves in the Throne Room
. Nightmare. Viron
. Phoenix Mourning. The Smashup
. Cavalar. The Furor
. TK-421. Non-Human Level
. Before Silence. Cult of Luna
. Suzukiton. Unsilent Phenomenon
. Smohalla. Destruction
. Scary Manilow. Warface
. Hurt. Death Breath
. Pump. The Finals
. Battle Bratt. Zoroaster
. Venom. Obtest
. E-lane. Extium
. Steve Cone. Centinex
. Gaza. Handful of Hate
. Southern Gentleman. The Chronicles of Israfel
. Old Man's Child. Nagelfar
. Satariel. The Prophecy
. Divine Empire. Katrina Johansson
. David Galas. Hearse
. Nation Beyond. Faith And Fire
. Himsa. Hellveto
. Temple Of Blood. Ensiferum
. Alkemyst. Glenn Hughes
. Orthodox. Gutted With Broken Glass
. Deceiver. Jesus Martyr
. Pop Evil. Iron Fire
. Son of Eric. Place Of Skulls
. Eighteen Wheels Burning. Uli Jon Roth